AIBU to say no to my son and partner moving in?

[OneFunnyPearlTurtle]

My adult son and his girlfriend live together and have happy lives and good jobs. Randomly I get a call from them saying they are planning on ditching their current jobs and getting new ones and moving in with us to save money for a deposit to be able to buy their own place. They wouldn’t be able to travel to their current jobs from our house due to longer commutes. They have accumulated their own house full of possessions and pets, they have no children. I was not expecting this at all and am annoyed that they have made a huge decision without discussing it with us first. I feel railroaded into helping them and annoyed that they have made this assumption. My DH has been DS DSD for over half his life has told me no as it is impractical and has left me to have the conversation with them. I want to help them and feel guilty if I consider not helping them, but I have to also consider the huge impact it would have on mine and DH lives. DS has said they will live in the garage and have told us they will pay a token £50 a week in rent so that they can have maximum opportunities to save. I couldn’t bear to have them in the garage but we don’t have a bedroom for them as DH and I need separate bedrooms for health issues. AIBU to say no to their idea? Do I just ignore it as they might be running through the practicalities of various ideas? Are they being CF by assuming they can disrupt our lives? Am I horrible for not wanting this to happen? They want to pay for storage for their house full of possessions which will eat into a huge chunk of their money. I feel awful for wanting to say no to them but I don’t see how this can work day to day and long term. DS GF has a notoriously troublesome family that have said they can’t wait and will be here visiting all the time and I just don’t want all the disruptions. WWYD?

I would say yes immediately. But only to the garage option and I would make it clear that they must cover all their costs. Your DH sounds like so many step-parents, unwilling to embrace the children of their spouse. I am a step-mother. I do have children of my own as well but my now DH requested for my step-son and gf to move in after uni. I said yes. It wasn't easy but it created the foundation for what is now a lovely relationship between us all.

OK, you do accept that the pair of them moving in with bits and bobs and pets and so forth is not going to happen right? It's how you go about telling him that's the problem for you, since DH has washed his hands of it, he is SS to him I think?

Anyway first thing, how are they going to save if they give up their jobs?Delusional.

If I were in your position, I think I'd probably offer the following scenario (because he is your son).

Sit him down and read him the riot act about not consulting you. Start as you mean to go on.

Then offer HIM a spot to sleep in - no pets, no furniture or effects. His girlfriend must stay with her parents, sibling, friend whatever, until they have saved enough to move on.

That way no one is homeless, but they might be motivated to get with the program and save like mad to be together again.

Just a thought, and only if you think they will agree. If they insist on being together with all their detritus and pets, refuse point blank.

Tough one in a way. Mums will be mums!

Hmm, sounds to me like you're not getting the full story OP. Highly likely they've been evicted rather than chosen to make themselves homeless, and the job situation doesn't make sense either. There's something you're not being told, but whatever it is you don't have space and they can't possibly be serious about living in your garage!

I think it depends on the overall family dynamic. Obviously I’m basing what my reaction would be on the dynamic I have with my own kids. I know my son would start the sentence with ‘can we’ or ‘would it be ok if we’, so if it wasn’t convenient I’d be explaining why. This son and his gf are coming at this more entitled, but I don’t know if he has otherwise been a thoughtful son or if it’s typical of previous entitlement.

@OneFunnyPearlTurtle do you find it difficult to say no to your DS? Are you scared of him and his (slightly rough sounding gf) if you say no?

Honestly, you have to be brave and say ‘I’ve thought about what you asked and the answer is no to all of it. You and gf are adults and it’s up to you to house and finance yourselves. I love you but I don’t want to live with you’.

You need to be crystal clear that it’s never happening, otherwise they might be arriving with all their stuff within a few days!

This is what I was going to suggest. I would say:

‘Oh Jack, you can’t live in the garage, that’s mad darling, it’s got terrible damp and it isn’t liveable for you, Jane and two pets. I saw a mouse in there recently. Of course I’d love to have you in the house but what with our arthritis and other medical issues we don’t have the space. Me and Dad have been talking and if you’re really struggling to save a deposit we are happy to help. If we move a few things around, we could probably afford to lend you £5,000 to boost your savings. I think you would be mad to leave your good jobs in the current climate. What will you do with the cats? I think it’s better to stay put and get your head down. I don’t think you can pack up an entire house with pets and the rest of it and expect to live with other people and let’s be honest, £50 rent won’t cover anything, a little shop perhaps, half a tank of fuel, a quarter of a month’s council tax?? It’s a drop in the ocean when it comes to living expenses.’

They need to grow up, wouldn’t we all like to relinquish our adult responsibilities and move back in with our parents and chuck ‘em 50 quid a week? It’s embarrassing.

Who owns your home/holds the tenancy? If your DH has any responsibility he can join you in saying no, if you don't feel you can do it alone. Your DS is totally unreasonable, this is the kind of thing you ask to do, not tell. (Actually it's a daft idea, to live in a garage, unless it's been properly converted with electricity, plumbing and insulation.) This is such a bad idea it sounds like an April Fool's Day joke.

There is something else going on here. I don't believe their story. Has one been sacked or made redundant? Have they been given notice on their rental?

I'd be more concerned for their welfare and help them navigate that in a way that also works for you. I feel they are panicking about something that you are yet to learn about. Moving in is not the solution here.

If they give up their jobs in the current climate they may be unable to save anything. They have other options. They can downsize if they currently have a house - even to living in a campervan if they are convinced they could live in a garage. They would not like either once it gets to winter but the van might actually be warmer.

You need to say no and mean it.

You need to put a stop to this now. Nearly the same thing happened to me when my DD and partner were moving back to our town from an hour away. It would have been temporary and only for a few months until they managed to buy a place of their own. I was horrified as me and DH have a lovely quiet life now.

I managed to persuade them to rent a place instead thank goodness as either I would have killed my DD or she would have killed me!!

Just say no. They’ll get over it and need to find another way to save, and take longer to get on the housing market. That’s life these days unfortunately!

They be better off:
(a) decluttering; (b) storing what they decide to keep, in your garage (with your prior permission!) for a small storage fee; (c) keeping their jobs! (d) moving somewhere smaller, cheaper, and commutable to their workplaces, and saving money that way.

Exactly. This is such a batshit suggestion that the only appropriate reply is ‘Ha ha no son, that’s not going to happen, hope you haven’t given your notice yet.’

wow its incredible he feels he can present this to you as a done deal.

Don't make excuses etc - he'll argue back. Just say no that doesnt work for us.

Could offer them the garage as a storage facility? If that wouldn't inconveneince you too much, they could store their stuff there while renting cheaper smaller place to save. Its potentially a way of helping them out without changing your whole lives.

they are planning on ditching their current jobs and getting new ones

DS has said they will live in the garage

have told us they will pay a token £50 a week in rent

They've TOLD you? They are planning... DS has said... have told us...

Hang on? Why does he feel he can be in charge of your choice about your home? That isn't how life works.

Although the answer may still have been the same, IF he had approached this differently, you might have been more amenable.

Why does he feel HE is in charge of choices about your life and what you will give to him? Does he have a history of this? Did you bring him up to be this entitled.

Suggest they move in with his GF's family instead.

You need to get them round and have a proper conversation about this. Your DH needs to be a part of it too, he's certainly not unreasonable to refuse to go along with this cheeky fuckery, but if he wants you to say 'no' he should be there to support and back you in doing so. You're supposed to be a partnership and this affects both of you.

I would just ring him up and say 'no' - why all the drama?

It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

I would just be kind but firm. Sorry DS. That doesn't work for us. Try GF's family. They sound happy about your relocation.

How old are they?

I think they have to realise they are an adult household now - a couple with pets and belongings - not a couple of teenagers boomeranging about.

Moving in after uni isn’t the same situation as OP, at all. This adult couple already have jobs and a place to live - they want to chuck that all in and come back for a measly £50. And your DH was the one suggesting it - not a done deal issued by the son.

How will they move into the garage?. Is the garage habitable?. Have they actually given up their jobs yet? . I doubt that?. If they have then they are extremely irresponsible. If the garage is habitable, can you agree for 6 months with lots of rules ie they can't bring their pets.

FFS what part of 'it's illegal to live in an unadapted garage' do peeps not understand on here? 🙄
Even if it was legal OP should still say no for so many reasons.

This.
he doesn't get to dictate, or set the rent, or make such assumptions.
Hard no.
And when does £100 a month cover the cost of each adult living with you?!

They're cheeky cunts. How dare they unilaterally announce that they're moving in, that they'll pay you 'token' rent , where they'll sleep etc?
Personally I'd just laugh in their faces: 'Good heavens, what an extraordinary thing to say! Of course we can't have you move in.'

I wouldn't lend them a penny. Going by their behaviour in this matter, they sound entitled and self-absorbed, and I wouldn't trust them an inch to ever pay it back.