to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

Do we have to follow traditions forever?

It has never been the tradition on my side of the family.

You don’t have to, but FIL has chosen to. You just need to accept that and deal with it. You can’t take the stuff back to him!

I am dealing with it! It just doesn't make any sense.

I will stick to giving people consumables so they can't come back to me.

I feel for you @juststoop I don’t think you sound ‘cold’ or uncaring in the least. You have acted graciously in accepting the stuff. You are also acting correctly in getting rid of it all. To be honest if it’s all in bin bags and your husband agrees it should all just go straight to the tip.If the hobby stuff is partially used it may not be any good to anyone? If the clothing is mildewed it’s just a burden to charity shops. I have been on both sides of this clearing my late PIL’s house it took six months. They were horrendous hoarders. Honestly I think it gave me PTSD! I found unused gifts which upset me a little. When my DM died she had very little. My sister mad with grief gave the lot to charity. I would have liked a little tablecloth, a cardigan of hers and a silk scarf I brought her from NYC.

Well, as I said in a previous post, sometimes gifts can be a nice keepsake because they remind you of the person.

But mostly in this case, it seems to be FILs way of getting through it. Grief is hard and doesn’t always make people think clearly.

It is so hard to know what to do with someone's things when they die.

Even putting aside the hoarding issue, all of us have 1000's of items in our houses. It feels terrible to throw them away or give them to charity, but usually we can't keep them in other houses.

I could not cope at all sorting out my husband's possessions after died, it felt like I was throwing him away, his life, it was all so disposable.

In the end, my mum helped me by sorting most of the things and giving me the sentimental photos and a few items back again.

Your poor FIL, he's just doing that as he knows he needs to move the stuff on but can't really do it himself. Take it to charity or dispose of it for him, and don't try to stop him ideally, he isn't going to want to do a 'How Clean is your House' style clear-out when he's just lost his life partner, but equally, don't engage with the stuff and no, you don't need to wear or keep anything yourself.

Maybe not but clearly he is following tradition.

That's fine - I am not sure what use some of the gifts will be from 20-30 years ago bbut the charity shop can deal with it.

You seem strangely cut off from the grief your husband and father-in-law must be feeling. It seems you’ve known this woman for 30 years and yet you calmly put forward that it’s nothing to do with you. You might not feel it and I accept that, but you are part of it.

Same here. After dealing with the belongings of two sets of relatives, I began a process of clearing out things I don't need, so that no one has to deal with heaps of stuff after I die.

Your FIL is handing over responsibility for making decisions about huge amounts of stuff. Personally I'd keep a few things and get a clearance collection for the rest. That's what I ended up doing for my relatives.

I've never heard of returning gifts, unless they are heirlooms.

I’ve been there a lot in last few years. I think you either do the clear out straight away or a long time later. After DH died in 2020 I couldn’t bear to see his shoes and cleared them out instantly. The clothes took more than a year.

My DM died a year and a half ago and DF wanted her clothes cleared immediately. One of my sisters got upset about it so they are mostly still there. it’s about different stages of grief.

How have I put forward it is nothing to do with me? Have you even read my posts?

U3A branches have lots of craft and hobby groups, so they may be interested.

Not a tradition I've ever heard of. And deeply impractical.

I can barely remember who gave me what last Christmas, never mind keeping track of who gave things to somebody else decades ago.

I understand not wanting a van-load of clothes that won't fit you. That's a bit of an odd thing to dump on you, but he may not be thinking clearly. I'd definitely just quietly donate those. The gifts... I've lost my remaining grandparents over the past few years, and as my parents went through their things, they've offered items to me and sometimes just handed back things that I made/bought for my grandparents, as well as other things they found that were related to us, like a wedding invitation my grandmother had kept. It's often not something I particularly want, and it can feel a little weird, but in those cases I'll donate it or throw it out.

I think you need to accept that it's an uncomfortable time for everyone and just get on with it. Ask your DH to take over dealing with donating thigs if it's that much of a bother, but it won't last forever. Eventually your FIL will run out of MIL's things to pass along to you.

Its an upsetting time. Its entirely normal for everyone to feel upset and sad after the loss of someone close. There is just no point in railing against it - you might as well feel put out by the weather.

It's both common and normal for people clearing out after a death to feel a strong need to “find a home” for the stuff rather than throw/give it away. Even if you know the items ou give away will probably end up in the charity shop.

Cut him some slack, cut yourselves some slack. Take the stuff to the charity shop, keep the odd item which might have sentimental value or reusability or if you think your FiL might regret parting with it. Craft stuff and books are often welcomed by social groups for older people if you have one locally.

In a few months he may well feel happy to take stuff himself but if for now its easier to let it go via you and DH its not that big a deal.

My late husband bought two expensive and rather nice Welsh hand-woven blankets, gave one to his mum and one to me. When she died I got her Welsh blanket and was very pleased. But then his big sister packed up an enormous amount of old kitchen stuff and sent it to us. It depends.

That sounds fine but FIL is trying to track down gifts given to MIL by her friends 30-40 years ago.

That's very hard. Can you ask your husband to ask your FIL not to give you any more things? He can do a few tip runs for him?
It is so sad but once the owner of the stuff is gone, the stuff is just stuff and is pointless to keep as the meaning and the usefulness is gone too, for most of it. It is so emotionally heavy too, to have to sort through it. You are doing a good job of dealing with it.
I actually liked getting a few gifts back though, just small things and not decades worth though.

What is the tradition of giving mouldy clothes?

I always thought the giving gifts back was strange (I had heard of it before) but as I got older and lost people I realized it was more to do with avoiding people getting shocked or upset if someone else claimed something you had given them. Especially stuff like jewellery. You may not mind, but it could be quite jarring if you didn't know.

Put the stuff the charity, he is thinking he is being practical and returning them in case u might want them. Put out is ott!

Can you get a memory cushion made from the clothes?

This would not appeal to FIL or DH.

It is not just the gifts. It is 20+ bags of MIL's clothes and also her DMs clothes.