to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

A job for the DH.

You say FIL is a hoarder. He was probably raised by people who went through the war years and didnt throw away anything because you might not be able to replace it. Waste was almost a crime and he probably has something of the same attitude. But he cant cope so he's passing some of the burden to you with the clothes.

As for the gifts - I know several people who buy what they would like themselves and find it impossible to understand that others chose a gift for the person. The first type of person would like their gifts back but you (and me) dont want them.

The suggestion of nursing homes was a good one and if clothes are good quality then maybe some items could go to a womens refuge. FIL should be happy. Depending on the hobby a nursing home might also have use for some or all of the gifts.

Good luck.

OP, there is a running theme at the moment where women are being admonished for not acting like Stepford Wives.

I'm not sure who is handing out this Kool-Aid but it's bleeding into every thread.

I would ignore large swathes of this thread.

Perhaps keep a couple of things for now that he can see out when he visits. A coat on a hook or a trinket in a window ledge….

Ignore these people OP. Some of these comments are batshit 😅 I would not want a van full of clothes, ask your husband if he wants to keep anything sentimental then get rid of the rest to either charity shop or tip.

DH is the executor with FIL so he is handling that side. He will help go through some of MIL's things as there a lot of her parents things that DH will know about.

I am doing several trips to the charity shop or tip as there is a vanfull of stuff.

How are we not a team?

He is bringing over more clothes every day. It's better if her DH tells his father that his wife can't wear the clothes.

Same. I have already got rid of 75% of my things so DC/DH will not have not to deal with it.

By team they mean you should be doing all the work.

Women aren't afforded this luxury, when their parents die, their husbands aren't expected to sort through their in laws clothing and check for mould.

This thread has reminded me of when my mum was terminally ill and declining mobility and she strongly encouraged me to take a fairly new pair of lilac converse shoes she had, "because I won't be using them". Thanks mum, that wasn't at all an emotionally complicated thing to do - to go around walking in a pair of shoes that belonged to my dying mother!

Just take it to charity and think nothing more of it. Maybe it’s a bit insensitive of FIL but it’s not that big a deal.

I think this is a bit of a drip feed thread. The actual position is that your in laws are/were hoarders and van loads of hoarded stuff from decades ago is being sent to your home. Anyone would find that disturbing and upsetting. But you didn't make that clear in your op so people are picturing a few bags of recent stuff. That's not the same thing at all. Hoarding is very very upsetting to see. I don't have any advice other than to ask your dh to address the problem with your fil before any more vans arrive. Better that your dh cut out your flat as the middle man between fil's house and the charity shop.

There are some really weird responses!

Gently accept and take to charity. He’s not being mean.

I have already accepted everything and it will go to charity or the tip.

Its a sad topic.. but that really made me laugh @Goditsmemargaret

You are not lacking in empathy OP! Not when a Van turns up!

I remember going through a relatives things with my sister. Once you start, its very hard to stop as it feels like a "useful task" and you feel like you have to complete it. Edited to add
It was also good to have someone to go through it with you, as we made ourselves make decisions and approved the other's decision, so we felt we were doing the right thing. Only some clothes were good to donate and I was glad because I could tell my self they would "go to a good home. " That may be what your FIL is thinking and whty he's turned up with a mountain of stuff because he had to keep going but then didn't know what to do next.

We kept or shared out a only a very few things of sentimental value in the end and that was enough. Any more would have felt weird and I didn't want constant daily reminders to be sad right in front of me.. only an occasional one.

Have you offerd to help clear her things? He is probably finding it terribly difficult.

He can't face binning it, so he's asking you to bin it in a way that he doesn't have to think about.

It's hard for you, but it's worse for him.

Don't take it as a slight.

DH will help.

Df was really ill and disabled for years before he died and was tricky to buy presents for. I once got him a mug with a picture of his old university on it.

Qhen he died a few years later my mum gave me the mug back still in its box. It did not feel great.

She also kept trying offload clothes onto my teenage DS and DH...

Op, you're not a house clearing service. Is there any more stuff you're likely to end up with?

It's really common to offer back gifts you've given a deceased person. Very traditional,maybe not so much these days but always has been in the past.

If there's more, could FIL put it in a room in his house? You could say you'll go through it and take anything you want, and organise it to go straight to the charity shops/get a clearance company.

Yes there is a lot more coming so I need to sort everything out quickly.

I don't understand why the gifts come back. If I give something to someone, it is theirs, it is nothing to do with me anymore.

When my DF died, we didn't give the gifts back to various people over the 70+ years of his life.

No idea but it's traditional to do so.