to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

We are in a 2 bed flat. No garage.

FIL has a huge house.

When my mum died my dad offered me her clothes and my uncle did the same when my aunt died. I think it might be an older man thing. Just trying to make use of things and be frugal, a lack of understanding that women of different ages have very different tastes combined with not really knowing what to do with 'ladies things'. He's probably trying to work out how to handle this kind of situation without his wife's know how to tap into.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP and think you're doing a lovely thing accepting the stuff. You're doing him a favour by quietly disposing of it in a useful way.

When my friend died her husband gave me a lot of stuff (not all useful or even very personal so of no sentimental value). Amongst it all though were all the letters I'd ever written her. I was so touched she'd kept them and it was a huge comfort to read them through. A little history of our friendship really. I hope there are some gems amongst the things he gives you.

There is an approach to life where it is very much considered a shocking immoral waste to throw away anything that still has a bit of use left in it. I wonder if this is the issue with OP's FIL?
I am feel this myself a lot of the time, but DH's family have turned it into an art form. Over the years I have learned to sit DH down when he's not preoccupied and gently explain that in a month of Sundays we will never use [whatever it is] and it would be better not to clutter our already over-stuffed home with stuff that we're not using, so the options to NOT waste the thing are donate it, sell it, recycle it, or turn it into something else. He is slowly coming round to this point of view without prompting, but it's taken a while...

I’ve only read OP’s responses, not the whole thread, but I would not want a VAN’S worth of stuff fobbed off on me to deal with either.

I have a hoarder parent who will just leave/hide things in my house without telling me so I am quite hardened to this sort of thing though.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable @juststoop if you’re in a two bed flat I can’t imagine where you’re putting the stuff!

I feel sorry for you all- you, DH, FIL. It’s a horrible thing to go through. I love the PP suggestion of donating to hobby groups who will appreciate her stuff.

My Mum is normally very practical but when her sister died she kept trying to persuade me to take a cocktail dress of my aunts and have it altered but my aunt was a foot taller than me and three sizes bigger; it was a TK Maxx dress that wasn’t worth paying £100s to alter! I realised it was a grief reaction and in the end I suggested we sold the dress and I used the money to buy a dress that fit me as a tribute to her.

It might just be fact though, I dealt with my dead dad and my husband dealt with his mum when she died. They each had a spouse left behind although one was sad and one wasn’t. Thinking about it I’ve no idea if my fil has ever cleared mil’s clothes and stuff.

when I say dealt that makes it sound odd, I mean the admin etc.

When my husband passed away I used Anglo doorstep collection. You book online and they collect from your door - I just found it easier. I asked the kids and close family and friends if they wanted any personal belongings, they picked out what they wanted and the rest went to Anglo as well.
Grief does funny things to people - sorry for your loss

I dint find you cold I find you factual. I love my fil he’s adorable but he’s really just a random bloke whose son I decided to sleep with so whilst of course I’d help him if my husband wasn’t available his primary contact is his son as it should be.

OP you say there is already a van load, and there are more van loads coming. You cannot dispose of all that to a few charity shops, they won't be able to accept those quantities. Your DH is going to have to take some of it to the tip/get it collected. I understand your FIL is deep in grief but presumably so are you and DH, so it is hard for you to have to deal with all this.

I agree that passing things on to you is easier for him, especially as he has a hoarding mentality.

It's very unusual that he and MiL kept the dead GM's clothes!

I would pass them on to charity shops if they're wearable, or to the textile bin at the tip if they're not.

I would also choose one of the gifts you gave her as a keepsake, that would probably mean a lot to him.

I would take it but be very clear to him that you will have a look though it and keep the bits you like/have space for, and will be donating the rest to charity or whatever.

My MIL has a habit of giving us stuff that she either no longer wants or has acquired, and gets very offended if we don’t want it. It’s difficult to deal with. I either take it and donate it straight to the charity shop, or I say I will not use that so you can give it to someone else.

YABU
Very strange approach.
Don’t you work as a team with your DH?

You’re very I did mine, so DH can do his.

Your FIL is obviously very lost atm, some compassion wouldn’t go a miss.

Is it that bad that you have to do a trip to the charity shop?

This IS life.

Keep a couple of things and take the rest to charity shop. If he asks about it further down the line you will just need to be honest with him. Your only alternative if to be honest with him now and give him the option of taking it back but you will have to weigh that up. I understand why this is perplexing if it is a van full and hoarders can be quite frustrating to deal with.

I can see why he did this. He wants it to be your decision what to do with them not his.

Its tricky;
Clothes, just take to the charity shop.
Around where I live, apart from charity shops, there are also some charity 'bins' to place clothes, and other things in.
However, gifts and other small items are another matter.
When my DM went into a Care Home, my DB ASKED for a small fruit bowl he had given her, as a present from some other country he had visited. (which was fine)
I have often thought that my DC might like some of the items they have given to me back. I mean small items like the above, which I use, and would hate them to just be tossed aside. At least, I would expect them to have 'first refusal'.
Otherwise, if you do not want them, then the charity shop is fine.

I agree with taking the clothes to a charity shop but with the caveat that they could go to a shop in another town so that it is unlikely that your FIL will accidentally see them. As for the size and taste difference, many older men do not really notice such things and he is probably thinking that he liked seeing his wife in those clothes and that you might be able to get some use out of them. It has probably not even crossed his mind that you might not want to wear them. Depending on the gifts you gave your MIL, you might find a little keepsake among them and perhaps your daughters or friends might like something, too. Otherwise, charity shops for them, too.

Presumably he has no use for the things, but doesn’t feel like just binning them or taking them to a charity shop.

It’s always very hard clearing a loved one’s things, whether they were a spouse or a parent. I dare say he found passing them to you was the least emotional way.

@keepswimming38 "I’ve got a brother who returns unwanted gifts. It’s the most insensitive act I can think of. He seems to think it’s normal!"

No it's not normal but it's a completely different scenario to the OP's FIL. He lost his wife only 2 months ago, the person he shared most of his adult life with, and he's utterly devastated. And he's not a young man. It's like entering a black hole of despair where rationality, or even the point of still living, no longer exists.

He will be grieving, its just his way of coping.

When my gran died, there was a shawl I had knitted for her, that came back to me, and I do wear it when I want to remember her. So I kind of get it. If there is anything special like that, which is a nice memory, keep it. But the rest can go to the charity shop, and think no more of it. FIL is doing his best, and you definitely don’t need to make a big thing of it.

I'm Swedish death clearing so my kids don't have to deal with this. I know it doesn't sit right with some peeps doing this stuff but it will help in the future.
I've told my adult kids, they understand and have thanked me in advance.

Slightly off at a tangent here, but after my elderly aunt died in her (very nice) care home, we were asked to leave nearly all her things, since they had some residents with very little money and no relatives to buy them anything. They even wanted her faded old nighties - I should add that the residents in her wing had dementia and so were unlikely to notice or care.

Perhaps a local care home might be glad of some of the clothes?

It's one of those awkward grief things you go along with. Keep a couple of the items just in case he ever asks, and quietly gift the rest to charity shops. Job done.

If you have a literal vanload of clothing you are likely to struggle to get a charity shop to accept it as a donation. A charity donation bin/skip in a supermarket carpark may work, but only if you can find one with enough space.

When we helped my MIL to clear things out we had several carloads. We filled the donation points for miles around, and ended up taking them to the recycling centre (tip). There was a large container for textile recycling/donation there, and I wished I'd just taken everything there in the first place TBH.

Your DH needs to deal with these, they're his mum's things not yours.

When my dad died it fell to me to sort his things out, I didn't pass it on to my husband, even though my dad's death was traumatic as his health downgraded so suddenly.