HolyCheeses and Mary… the spreadsheet, the bullshit bingo and the aftermath. Part deux

[HolyCheeses]

Was asked to start a thread.

started a thread.

Deeds would indicate part ownership, naming you on them might be his next (B.S.) claim.

No acknowledgement from him of his every poor behaviour after you told him the relationship was over then.

I'm glad you're doing ok @HolyCheeses
Keep on with plans for a future that suits YOU 🌞

Good point Popcorn.

With the fuss he's made about letting OP choose the decor etc.. She also spent considerable time going over the design "options" and helping him sort it.. She was in fact the project manager and her helping (with DC's) design the bedroom decor, saved him the trouble of doing it himself.

As if what the OP chose was so vastly inappropriate it has to be immediately re done at further expense. I'm sure it wasn't as she sounds like a very sensible person and given that she was also helping with the renovations, she probably has a very good handle on these things.

So its all very well for him to complain about the massive favour of letting her make decisions for him, and doing things to her taste, but its just adjacent to letting her manage his emotions etc... She saved him all the time and effort of making optimal decisions about the renovations himself. It's a lot of work and fact checking... in fact it is one more way of making her his personal assistant and he's got the cheek to use this as a guilt tripper!

edited to add. I'm not saying that he's an evil mastermind who planned every step, just that his world revolves around himself, what he wants and everyone is expected to conform to that and fall in line and it more or less evolved naturally which is why things like this are so hard to spot at the outset.

I do think that any hint of further aggression should be reported.

The lightness you are feeling is your gut rewarding you for listening to it.👏👏👏

This is a great point.
A few years ago my friends partner that she didn't live with, through choice, and never would live with, bought a large apartment that needed fitting out.

He tried to gently drag her into the decision making around decorating etc.
She has a busy life, work and tennis filling a lot of her time.

She told me she had to tell him gently that having done her own house a few years earlier, and not particularly enjoyed it, she had no interest whatsoever in spending her weekends when she plays tennis, trawling shops.

She likes him a lot and they are still together.
But she has other things to do.
He thought she would "enjoy it".
She put him straight on that point.
She barely did it for her own house.
He was a bit put out, but got over it.

Women spend far too much time looking after the men in their lives.
It's quite the shock to them when for a variety of reasons it no longer suits us.

Nope - of course no deeds mentioned 🙄

Of course should be reported. They are not even married and she is not even in the new area, does not have a job there to start participating financially, he sent a price for a place she is not living in. This is coercive

The more you think about this, the more evil he seems to be or more stupid. Cannot be both, so it is clearly one

@HolyCheeses

So, on the mortgage but no offer of the deeds? Not that it matters at this point, he could offer to put you the deeds to Kensington Palace (if he owned it) and I'm pretty sure you'd refuse.

I can't decide if he's too stupid to realize that mortgage and deeds are two separate things or if he's canny enough to offer only the mortgage thinking you wouldn't know the difference. More the fool him, eh?

Do you think he'll give up now or do you think he'll try to pull more rabbits out of his arse hat?

What sticks out to me is that he hasn't messaged anything about missing you, needing you in his life, can’t we work this out, I love you, etc. It’s all so business like.

Not really a fair assessment Ponoka… OP has made clear the timeline of decisions

1. Partner purchased large property without any discussion. Fait accompli. OP not involved in choice of house, location….zilch.
2. Request from partner for OP to move in, sell her assets, quit job, relocate… all huge changes. (And btw all classic moves by coercive controllers) When OP reasonably requests info on finances she is fobbed off. For months. She has zero info on a major life change. Instead she’s asked to help project manage.
3. Then a sudden “You must move in next few weeks” ultimatum. Again, no financial info whatsoever. Partner astonished she won’t immediately leap at this opportunity, gets upset.
4. Partner finally provides some limited financial info. But major elements missing eg his parents are also going to live there- will they contribute? No info on mortgage, deeds. No recognition her earnings are substantially less. No discussion on how this asset will be shared. OP has to interpret his assumptions by examining a spreadsheet.
5. OP finally has at least some of the info she needs to make a decision, and declines this offer. It is financially damaging to her so she has made a sensible decision. She also declines the relationship going forward. Because no one likes feeling screwed over by their partner who is supposed to love them!
6. Partner throws his toys out of the pram big style. OP is subjected to social media insults.

There is no “level of knowing” that the OP had of how this would affect her financially, until she insisted on the info herself. And as for the OP “giving your opinion as though you were going to be living there …”- well the OP was kindly giving partner the benefit of the doubt. She could not have imagined just how she was going to be completely exploited!
She’s done the hard work analysing his pathetic spreadsheets, while partner has just assumed she will sell up, move and fund his lavish property. He’s had a complete empathy bypass.

Honestly the more I think about this the more I can see parallels with professional scammers. The elements of time pressure, the emotional blackmail, the getting upset, the “ how can you miss this wonderful opportunity?” Grim. Well done
@HolyCheeses for a great decision.

Surely "going on the mortgage" means that you're also liable when it comes to paying it? Once you factor that in, his generous reduction of all other charges fades into insignificance!

Oh I was offered the mortgage too. To give me security apparently.... I declined as a mortgage on someone else's house was a liability not security. I had my own place to fund.

Wanted to add my thoughts about OP decorating. CF asked OP to style the bedrooms. He outsourced and therefore 'chose' the decor by default. He won't see it that way as he wanted that to be an anchor but it's not really. If he doesn't like it, he wouldn't like it whether she lived there or not. I think it's a red herring.

The offer to put you on the morgage making you liable for a debt you never sought is so unbelievable.

How did he come to this conclusion that you were so dim as to fall for all of this?

He reads as a total grifter.

It's amazing isn't it. Are they stupid or do they think we are?

let's see more of the aftermath....since the title of the new thread

If he’d offered a Deed Of Trust, that might conceivably be acceptable, but he hasn’t. Well rid of the fellow.

He may have one last desperate grasp. An actual proposal.

Now I wouldn't expect him to intend to follow up with a wedding. We know he won't be sharing assets. Could be a final crumb to tempt OP back under his spell.

Have you heard anymore from him OP?