Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

I stayed home while parents went on holiday a couple of times around the ages of your children. No childminder, just siblings at home alone, all teens and oldest probably 17. Big difference is that we knew we were welcome on the holiday and asked to stay home because we all had other social / sport stuff on we didn’t want to miss. And I would have been annoyed to have a babysitter at that age! I can see why your kids might be unhappy with the arrangement. Sorry but I think you do need to cancel if the kids don’t like this plan, even if that’s being partly driven by arsehole ex.

This man @ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey I met him in the chippy last Friday.

I don't doubt that he should be equally responsible but isn't, but the point is that your kids need to be supported through school as a top priority, and their needs don't disappear for the times he should be covering them but isn't. It's just a fact that most people feel hard done by by the extra work that divorce brings and it's just hard luck. Don't give them the sense that your new relationship is more important than them - they are kids and don't have a responsible father, that's tough enough.

I know instantly what’s happened there. Have you lived though “eggs in microwave”? It was like Chinese New Year.

The “new” relationship is over 5 years S it happens. And of course they’re important but I’m also not prepared to push thousands down the grid either!

Some shocking replies here implying that wanting to go on your planned holiday for one week without your nearly grown kids is bad parenting! They have a father who won’t step up but sure you’re the bad parent for not sacrificing every tiny part of yourself.
I think if their dad cant / won’t have them then it makes sense to hire a responsible adult, it’s not like you’re leaving a toddler with a stranger for a month!

He won’t use apps. He wouldn’t attend mediation. He finally stepped up to some bits of the consent order he was ignoring when I said I’d only be communicating via his solicitor at £150 a pop. But now it’s all via the kids.

The replies you’ve got here are ridiculous OP. As usual, the man gets off Scott free 🙄
If your kids are complaining about being left and telling you their dad’s opinion, reply “great! If that’s what dad thinks go and message him and ask if you can stay there. He will have to pay for taxis to and from school though.” Let him take some of the flack!

It’s like a parallel universe isn’t it?

Can you imagine this one the other way around?

”Ex and I divorced and he’s now living with someone else. Anyway, recently the kids came back from his upset because he’d originally booked a holiday last year and then when he realised that he’d got the term dates wrong he told the kids that because he doesn’t want him and his GF to miss out they’re no longer coming but will be staying home with a nanny.

The eldest is 17, and they’re really upset.”

There is not a single person on this thread who would say he’s totally justified. They’d all be saying that as usual this is a case of a man putting his new gf ahead of his kids. Just like the OP is doing here.

So many kids end up having to take a back seat after divorce and when their parents move on to someone else who will give them the life they want.

No but only because DD1 was in the kitchen at the time when DS2 was making himself a snack (he is my go-to Good Ideas Man!) and I heard "DONT PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE!!!!" so she saved me from that!

Melting cheese for cheese on toast in a wok because the grill was broken was another of his, burnt cheese does not a) smell nice and b) come off no matter how hard you scrub.

If your kids are 15, 16 and 17 and can't cope without their Mummy for a week then you've already failed so catastrophically as a parent that I hardly think it matters what sense you give them.

Did you see the bit where I said there are no changes allowed? I’ve tried.

Next time they pass on one of dad's horrible messages you tell them
"You live here with me. I make sure you're safe, have clean clothes, cook you meals, I pay for the electricity and wifi you use every day, I'm here if you've had a shit day/a fall out with friends/need advice, etc etc etc. Your dad sees you X times a year and does none of that so I'm not exactly interested in his opinions on my parenting. Nobody's ever stopped him doing those things for you"

They're old enough to know that parenting isn't optional and isn't just "women's work"

@Mostlywilliow

There are some mad posters on here.

Nothing wrong with what you're doing. Nothing At All.

I've 'looked after' many kids your kids ages when their parents have been away (work & holidays)

I'm really sorry your Ex is winding them up... offer to take them with you, they'll soon rethink their stance 🤣🤣🤣

talk to your eldest (with whom I have some sympathy) & explain to them it's not fair on them to be responsible for the younger 2 while you're away for such as long time (ie not just one/two nights) so that's why you've booked the Nanny (though I wouldn't call her that)

as for your Ex (& barking posters) just more ignoring.

At these ages, you could conceivably leave them on their own for the week. But i totally understand the reason why you've got a sitter instead (i dread my DC announcing their Good Ideas)

Some of the responses here are crazy.

I don't think you are putting your new partner or relationship ahead of your kids. If you and your ex hadn't separated I doubt anyone would be as bonkers about what you are proposing. You will be gone a week. They will be kept safe and (more importantly, going by the Good Ideas) supervised. And their father is not that far away. Not shit parenting from you!

He is just trying to get in your head @Mostlywilliow

& this!!

Except that the only bit you got right in that is the bit where the term dates were wrong, literally none of the rest of it is true!

Yes but they were never coming with us in the first place!!!

And they are supposed to see their father every other weekend for 2 nights. This never ever happens. He sees them in school holidays “to get his days up” because if he dips below 52 as he did last year his liability goes up by 1/7 per child. So it ends up in doing all term time, all weekends and almost all the school holidays. So please feel free to flip that.

its not a stranger it’s a babysitter they already know

I agree the pile on should be towards the dad. If he has to do a 4 hour round trip to commute his children to school for one week of the whole year then that’s what he should sodding do! OP deals with the other 40 odd weeks and has more than earned a holiday. He sounds like a massive dick op, I’d tell him if you’re so shit a parent he should take them all to live with him. That would shut him up!

The issue isn’t that they can’t cope for a week without her.

The issue is that she originally booked a holiday and because she didn’t bother to check the termtime dates she then decided to ditch the kids rather than move the dates or cancel the holiday.

As it is she will have lost thousands by not taking the kids with her.

A 16 and 17 year old don’t need a babysitter, although I’d be concerned about parties and drinking etc at that age. But when the holiday was originally booked with them in mind apparently, and they were ditched as soon as the OP realised she’d cocked up it was the kids who ended up paying the price.

And as a 17 year old I’d be thinking it was deliberate.

Certainly if someone posted here that they were all meant to be going on holiday and that because the person booking suddenly realised the dates were wrong which had they checked they would have known all along so the person couldn’t go, people would be telling the poster that was a deliberate move on their part.

Even worse!

Oh that makes sense, so you thought it would be the kids week with dad, but it’s not, they have to be at school that week. I see. They’ll be fine. Just tell them ‘dad isnt in charge of the rules in this house he’s in charge of the rules in his house. If he’s happy to take you all for the week and drive you all two akd from school that’s fine by me I’ll cancel the babysitter just get him to confirm in writing to me. Cheers!’

Why?

They're not small children. Just indignant teenagers being wound up by their father. You don't have to let them rule the roist.

they're were fine until non parenting parent got involved to cause trouble,