Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

YES DO THIS! does this mean you want me to come to the festival with you or is it that you’ve cancelled because you don’t want to leave me and look after yourself for a few days? Oh I see, completely unrelated. You can look after yourself at a festival surrounded by strangers and alcohol, but I’m a bad mum leaving you safely in your own home with an adult, tell your dad to pull his head in if you want to get to that festival as you might find yourself on the far side of the country on holiday with me since you don’t think it appropriate to be away from me.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

It sounds like you deserve it after putting up with that arsehole ex.

’a good look’? lol. So what makes a ‘good look’? Isthere like a book, or leaflet we can refer to? Does it only cover holidays or is it more detailed including food, clothes, bedrooms etc.

OP. Ignore your ex. Go, have an amazing time, safe in the knowledge your home will be intact when you get home.

I think the kids are old enough to be told gently that this is another way your ex tries to control you @Mostlywilliow and make you look bad while doing the absolute bare minimum himself. What a snake!

Have a wonderful time with all the sex, ancient monuments and good food and wine you can get.

If your ex is that bothered, he can look after them and run them to school.

If the teens are whiny remind them of the Good Ideas (love that concept!) and when they show some responsibility maybe you'll let them be on their own.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

And I'm sure plenty of posters have made errors with school term dates themselves. Stop being horrid to the OP. She deserves all the happiness.

What’s with all the hate?!! This woman is so deserving have a holiday without her kids! By the sounds of it she does absolutely everything for her children, when her arse of an ex is doing his best to continue to make her life difficult. He does not financially support their children, he can’t be bothered to have set days to see the children. Indirectly he is financially controlling her and controlling what she can or cannot do, as she can never plan anything.

Women should support women, I can’t believe some of the disgusting messages I have read here tonight. Would you wish that your sister, mother, auntie went through this? I bet if it was closer to home your answers would be completely different.

OP go and enjoy your holiday, don’t give it another thought. You have a system in place where your children are well looked after. Most importantly, enjoy the downtime from not having responsibilities for a few days!

Classic narc behaviour.
Enjoy every minute of your wonderful holiday!

Mine would either be getting left home alone at that age or I’d be sneaking them off school for the week (does much happen in the last week of term?). Give your ex the chance to have them at his, if he doesn’t respond or says no well then he’s had his chance. I really don’t understand why kids this age need to be babysat? We’re planning a holiday later in the year without the kids (they’ll have had 2 holidays with us this year), they’ll be 19, 15 and 13.

Children!? They're 17, 16 and 15! They are already on the landing approach to adulthood. They'll all be at university in the next 3 years, and then people will tear into OP if she dares to worry for a second, about anything clip their wings.

Booking a nanny to stay with your kids so you can have a cheap childfree holiday while they go to school is pretty shit parentinG.

And how degrading to a 17 year old that you’ve hired a nanny to look after them

And that's just fucking delicious. Unintentional hilarity: so often the best kind.

Ignore your ex, OP, he's just being 'vexatious'.
Your children don't need a babysitter at their ages, they could likely manage on their own, but getting a responsible adult to stay in the house will give you peace of mind for this holiday. They will very soon be making their own decisions about where they stay and this nonsense will be over.
Enjoy your break!

There have been some very misogynistic responses on here. Of course you should retain the family the home, the family are living in it with you and you care for them. Why do people think it is not ok for you to leave kids for a week but it is ok for their dad to hardly see them? Why do people assume family is preferable to a professional childcare, that very much depends on the family surely?

Anyway I do hope you are getting some proper support. Your ex sounds very abusive and you deserve a huge wodge of self care - like a nice holiday.

Hi @Mostlywilliow, I have only read all of your posts so far, so I'm sorry if anyone else has posted along similar lines to me; my concern is actually for you. You say you will be holidaying in the Eastern Mediterranean area, is that not where, or at least near to where, so much of the recent conflict is happening? Does the Foreign Office say that it is still safe to be holidaying in that area, and even if it is still considered to be safe enough, because your destination isn't actually that near to all the fighting, will the airlines still be honouring all of their flights now?

I am asking you, because the chance of any quick resolutions to the conflicts, seems to be lessening by the day, or even by mere hours? Therefore, the airlines must surely be considering, and be concerned about, whether the availability of enough fuel, and the potential/likely costs of such fuel, is going to have to make them cancel most, if not all, of their upcoming flights? I do hope that you and your Dear Partner, can still go safely there - I'm trying to not split an infinitive here, but I've probably not managed not to, or if I have succeeded there, then I've almost certainly broken a lot of other grammatical rules instead - and have a wonderful time together, and come back both refreshed, and well, ahem, 'exercised' 🤭

Your ex is playing with the teenagers minds.Glad you’re happier now with a kind loving man. He’s honing in on the weak spots- the things that the teens are not keen on- and he’s ramping it all up and making it look like it’s most unreasonable for them and he’s their saviour complaining on their behalf. You can’t change the knobhead but you can give the teens options - within reason-to make it clear hes full of it and you are considering all of their concerns and want them to be addressed and to see them happy, while also hanging on to the original plan for a well earned holiday

Only you know what compromises can work and will make them happier.

im sure they are aware that it’s not what you originally planned for them but they are understandably disappointed

Could they take the last couple of days or day off to stay at home and have down time too?

Could you arrange sleepovers with each of their friends for when you’re back? A ticket to their fav movie/ fun day out/ fun night out when you’re back or while you’re away?
Enjoy your lovely break

Only if you read OP’s posts you will see that the children were never meant to be going in the holiday!

Some of the replies on here! 🤣 The 1950s called and it wants its attitudes back!

OP, you clearly didn't receive the rulebook when you had children. Page 2,375, Section 3.27, paragraph 4 says: "Once you have produced the progeny of the Man, you may never again leave the cave for longer than is necessary for work or errands, lest you be cast into Hell at the point of your death for your transgressions against the purity of Motherhood. There is a pit of boiling oil especially for those Mothers who holiday without progeny who have not yet journeyed to adulthood at midnight 18 years past their birth. So think on, ye vile sluts, ye."

🤣🤣🤣

Honestly I’m not sure what I’m reading on this thread. Presumably the 17 year old will be closer to 18 if not 18 already by then… so old enough to drive, have a part time job, be going off to uni, join the armed forces, even be a parent themself but still needs a babysitter…

Just go on holiday. It sounds like it will be lovely. Unless I’m missing some special needs or behavioral problems with the “children” who are barely children then I’m not even sure why they need a nanny.

They've not been 'left out' they don't want to go.

but even if they did, their mum wouldn't be unreasonable taking a holiday without them.

'Not a good look' 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️😂😂🙇🏻‍♀️

Yup 🤣🤣🤣

The 17 year old doesnt need a sitter. But lets look at the alternative.

OP goes and leave 17 year old in charge. 15 and 16 year olds decide its a Good Idea to have a party while mum is away....except that they wont say that they will say that will just have a few friends over. And then word gets out and suddenly the 17 year old is "in charge" of a mob of teens with no one to help or back her/him up as Daddy clearly couldnt care less and lets face it, would probably revel in anything negative happening to @Mostlywilliow 's home.

Even a best case scenario is going to end with vomit, broken stuff, something nicked and the place looking like a very localised tornado went through it. Worst case scenario involves far worse.

This isnt about "babysitting" a 17 year old, its about making sure that a 17 year old isnt left being responsible for younger siblings with Good Ideas. Also, @Mostlywilliow knows her kids best. She knows if the younger siblings are likely to work together and get on, or start kicking off and doing what they want because "Mum isnt here and you can't stop me!" far better than we do.

With age and hindsight, the eldest will probably thank OP for doing it, not condemn her.

Is there any other family member or family friends that could keep an eye on your teenagers for you?

For what it's worth your ex is being a dick and you've done nothing wrong.

@Mostlywilliow your ex is definitely an arse and so are some of the contributors to this thread!

I’m hoping I can give you some perspective that might be similar to how your children may see it. My father had minimal contact with me after my parents separated when I was 12 and there wouldn’t have been any suggestion of me staying in what was our old family home in this situation. He wouldn’t have looked in on me either. By the way he lived 10 mins down the road from where we’d moved to.

The age your children are I can guarantee they’re aware of the imbalance between what you do and what their Dad does.

So, it’s a school week for one thing. Most of the days you’ll be away they’re going to be at school/college anyway. The week will fly by.

What do they usually do on weekends? Sounds like marathon sessions on the PlayStation from one of your other posts. It’s by the by whether you’re there for that.

Your children are at an age where they’ll prefer doing their own thing. I bet they’ll have a great time while you’re away for the week, even if the babysitter is there.
I still remember the first time I stayed home and looked after the cat while Mum went on holiday for a fortnight - bloody loved the peace and quiet 😂!
Last family holiday I went on when I was 16 was hell. I wanted to do my own thing, felt like a spare wheel and after being told I was antisocial, I flipped and vowed to never go on a family holiday again.

Not surprised to read others have found when their children got to 15 they didn’t want to go on family holidays either, I think that’s the preference of most to be honest.

Regardless of whether your ex is an arse, you booked a holiday for you and your partner without considering your 3 children? How could you not know when they'd be in school? What difference does it make if they're in school or not anyway?

All those questions are answered by reading the OP's posts.

Yep

It's nuts the way people treat teenagers these days. They are not children and by that age should be perfectly able to look after themselves at home.
I suppose it's not allowed nowadays but at 14 I went with a friend the same age to Butlins for a week - just us. DH and 3 friends went on a package tour to Switzerland on their own at 14.
I can only assume that the OP doesn't trust them to be sensible.