Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

Oh behave yourself @Applecup !

It’s fascinating really because threads like this lay bare the absurd, damaging, sexist double standard perpetrated by women against other women. We don’t need the patriarchy to hold us back when there are female led attitudes like this around.

What do your kids think? That should be what matters.

This thread is hilarious, the mummy martyrs are out in force tonight. You’d think@Mostlywilliowwas abandoning three toddlers in the central reservation of the M1 for a week. Do none of you remember being 15/16/17? No wonder young adults lack resilience these days if their entire secondary education and emotional wellbeing will be damaged by their mother going on a week’s holiday THAT THEY HAVE NO INTEREST IN GOING ON.

(But of course it’s fine for the feckless ex to swan in once in a blue moon and ‘babysit’ his own children, that doesn’t warrant any comment whatsoever.)

he sounds like a twat turning the kids against the idea but wont help himself

i stayed at home alone at 16 with my 13 and 2 year old sister for a few days but that was over 30 years ago

just talk to the kids about it and say well ask dad to have you then se what he says to that

Err this. Have most people on this thread met any teens?! I doubt many would want to go on this type of holiday

Instinct tells me part of the reason is the ex is so shitty about this issue, is the children are getting older and his control over you / them is slipping. It’s going to be very minimal in a couple of years.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when he contacted social services! It must have given someone some laughs

Can I just say I love you, OP. You take
no shit which is important when dealing with the Stepford Wives of MN who believe women should be chained to the stove and never have a life beyond their children.

Have a lovely holiday OP!
Just don't tell the ex next time.

It's also why so many would rather stick needles in their eyes than open a thread on MN.

Seriously nasty, with lamentable literacy and comprehension issues!

Totally! Weird isn't it. Kids that age think nothing of ditching parents for a festival for days on end and no one blinks. Lots of 17 years old are on the verge of leaving home for uni, travelling, jobs and housesharing or whatever, fgs. But resident parent mum going on holiday on her own, leaving them with safe supervision when their father seems then less than 50 days a year is apparently some sort of evil monster.

Enjoy your holiday! Have a chat with all of them about why you won't/can't them without a supervisor. And be blunt, yes part of it is trust (no Good Ideas!), part is that at 15/16 its on the edge of acceptable from a safeguarding pov, anyway and part of it is their Dad failing to step up. They can moan all they like but you are still going. They'll get over it! And eventually when a bit more mature, they'll see through shit Dad's attempt to manipulate them and appreciate you a lot more than they do right now.

YANBU. Fuck me, some people on this thread must be mental/misogynists/illiterate. No idea why you’ve had such a hard time.

Ah, Shrodinger’s childcare - simultaneously irresponsible AND overly protective!

Hahaa. I love you too Op. I find it hard to believe 3 teen siblings are going to be the least bit concerned about you going on holiday but only who the replacement mumbot might be for the food/lifts/ washing components.
As for their dad. FFS. Coercive or not - have the kids or help sort a sitter. Not complicated.

Can you imagine actually reading the thread and knowing that the kids were never going on the holiday?

I’ve never seen such pearl clutching before as on this thread. Have those of you who can’t possibly understand the OP leaving her teenagers for a week actually got teens, or are your kids still little?

Ignore him completely.

he can communicate with the kids directly

social work won’t be remotely in those things
m

also ignore ignore ignore the arseholes on this thread criticising your holiday. I hope you have a bloody good time

Wow I had no idea 🙄 They’re old enough to be fully aware they were meant to be going away. How cruel to just go oh well, we’ll just leave you at home and go without you!
Jesus wept! being a parent isn’t your sole purpose in life!
Many, many parents go away without their kids especially teenagers, they weren’t meant be going away, they weren’t included at any point, it’s not cruel for adults to holiday without their offspring.
No need to be a martyr to your kids.

How many times does OP have to say the kids were never meant to go with her. She is not ditching them and has not lost any money by them not going. She is having a break and by the sounds of it a well deserved one!

Well OP, I’m quite frankly flabbergasted that you are abandoning your children for a holiday. Did you not get the memo on the day you gave birth that says now you have become a mum you are not allowed to leave your child’s side until they are well over 18? Whatever are you thinking leaving a very nearly adult, an almost nearly adult and a 15 year old with a responsible and police checked adult.

I think you were unreasonable not to put all the relevant information in your OP, and drip feed it through the thread 😂
But having now got all the details, YANBU, although I’ve always made it a habit to head off these issues by offering my ex the chance to increase his time with his children, BEFORE making alternative childcare plans. It honestly saved me so much grief. He always said “no” but then had no leg to stand on when I carried on with my life, providing external suitable care for the children when I needed it.

OP, these posters are weird. I can only assume that their children are very young.
I have a 17 and 16 year old and the 17 Yr old drives, has a job, cooks dinner 2x a week, occasionally drives the younger one around, and is pretty much self sufficient. I'd be happy to go on holiday for a week and leave an adult in the house with them who they knew and was DBS checked. These "children", are A level and GCSE age.

I'd be more worried about leaving them home alone, parties etc but if their Dad is so worried, he can take a week off, have them and drive them to and from school.

The way some posters are going on here you'd think you were abandoning them for a year not a week... I am sure their educations won't fail due to you being absent for a week. At that age, my parents would (and did) just leave me in the house alone for while they were on holiday. But I think having someone come in is a good compromise if you are concerned about parties etc. I would ignore your ex. Fortunately at your children's ages, you won't have to have much to do with him for much longer.

Bullshit.

Your mistake here OP is being a single parent who has dared to get into a new relationship. For some, the only acceptable way to be a single parent is to sacrifice absolutely all of yourself to your kids and never have another relationship again.

As if, having done almost everything for your children for your whole lives, you are lacking for “time with them”.

I thought some of the posters were men, just trying to wind you up. Take no notice you have covered yourself re childcare go away & have a lovely time.

Yes he’s an arse, social services will laugh at him!

But he’s a total cunt to involve your DC with his whinging! Selfish and unnecessary!

Not a lot you can do though.

They are teens who will have each other and some of whom who are seconds away from moving out and living with strangers and perhaps remembering to call their mum on Sunday.
I’d ask them really clearly why they are suddenly taking parenting advice from their dad, and they should ask him to comply with all the parenting orders and actually spend some time with him before they start thinking he’s saying all of this for their actual benefit.