Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

Except that the OP made it clear that they were never going.

Use a parenting app to communicate about the kids and block him on everything else.

He has no right to have any kind of opinion about what happens when the kids are in your care as long as they're safe. And seeing as he never pays or has them it's even less of his concern.

No they were never meant to be coming with us. They were, however, if they followed the pattern of the previous 5 years, due to spend the first week of the half term with their Dad, which is what I thought I was booking. But the term dates are different, there is no way that the ex will have them so it’s either leaving them on their own or getting the same sitter they’ve had about half a dozen times. On reflection it’s to prevent parties and Good Ideas and to stop the house from being burnt down. But their dad has them thinking that I’m a child abandoning abuser etc etc.

Oh I don't miss the Good Ideas. I lost two separate kettles to Good Ideas. One was egg related, the other was instant noodles.

So your original plan was for your DC to stay with their dad while you are on holiday? Despite the fact that you don't communicate with each other? What if he had other plans, even if it wasn't term-time?

I think your ex is an arse and your plan for childcare is reasonable but it seems risky relying on him to have them. Are there any other family or friends who could have the DC, perhaps splitting them up? It's expected that teenagers make arrangements directly with their father but shut down any discussion about opinions on each other's parenting.

When my friend and I were 16, her parents went on holiday for a week. I stayed with my friend and we managed to go to school and look after ourselves quite happily. Nobody thought it was weird or neglectful. HTH.

You do know that you can register as a childminder at 18, meaning that the eldest could potentially BE a childminder by then? I'm baffled as to why kids of this age need a childminder at all. They can manage themselves for a week surely, albeit OP should expect the house to be a bit of a mess on her return.

Except it isnt a stranger, its a sitter that the OP has used several times before and the kids know her.

But dont let facts get in the way of your outrage.

Ex is an arse. Your children are nearly adult so it is hilarious that he's talking about social services over the food you cook. Let him it's risible.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday

Are your kids actually upset or just relaying "dad says..."? Ask them for alternative ideas if they don't like your plan. Presumably your 'babysitter' will keep them supplied with food, clean dishes and school uniform so that's a couple of chores they won't have to do. They can have friends around without being landed with an out-of-control party. Perhaps agree to some later bedtimes, lax homework or several takeaways?

Just give him the big thumbs up emoji 👍 They are too old now. He can’t hurt you anymore.

Age appropriate truth NOW! It’s the only way with narcissistic abusers

Two issues here. Firstly, yes, your ex is an arse. Secondly, your children are not happy with you.
Your post reads as though the holiday was initially to include them and now they can't go and are having a stranger move in? If so, i can see why they're not happy.
Unfortunately when putting together the second with the first, you have ripe ground for your children to play you off against their dad. They will have gone to him with their disgruntlement and found a ready audience.
You need to decide if you are comfortable with your decision about the holiday, and if so, stand your ground. Obviously it's not grounds to have you considered an unfit parent. However he will encourage your children to think badly of you, so you probably need to prepare for a conversation with them where you sort out some sort of compensation/compromise, because in truth it is a bit hard on them.

my husband and I left our three at very similar ages. Only 6 days but a very long way away. They argued with each other and were probably a bit wayward but nothing major. My nephew (in his 20’s) stayed for a couple of nights and a friend dropped by.
I think you should ignore your ex and speak to the kids adult to adult about what your ex is trying to do and what they really think should happen.

What a twat he is. If he was that fussed he would just have the children.

16 and 17 year old really don’t need a babysitter though.

I don’t think you were very clear in OP and it’s caused a lot of confusion. It sounded like you’d booked a family holiday, realised you’d accidentally booked it during term time and decided not to take your DC anymore. In actual fact you had booked a holiday expecting them to be at their dad’s but they’re not so you’ve booked a live-in nanny for the week.

I don’t think it’s an issue at all. I’d argue at their age they’re old enough to stay alone entirely tbh. I think at 17 I’d be pissed off if my mum hired me a babysitter…

I do think it's poor that you value a cheaper holiday away from the kids more than supporting them whilst they are at school. That's not parenting.
The fact that the father is worse has nothing to do with it. In fact all the more important that one parent steps up all the time. You can argue the ins and outs of the balance of responsibility between you two (clearly skewed) but that's a different question.

Wouldn’t the fine be cheaper than hiring a nanny ? Sounds like it’s a week leading up to holidays anyway so probably very little teaching happening

When would it be appropriate for me to go away then? I’m curious. Especially given that I do literally everything else for them, at all times. He is supposed to have them 52 nights a year. He doesn’t get near that.

They would hate it. Seriously. It’s not about the fine. They don’t want to think about ancient history with absolutely nothing for teens it would be a disaster for all concerned.

Booking a nanny to stay with your kids so you can have a cheap childfree holiday while they go to school is pretty shit parentinG.

And how degrading to a 17 year old that you’ve hired a nanny to look after them. And how long has this man been in their lives, the one you’re ditching them for for a week while they’re at school close to exam times esp the 16 YO?

The ex may well be an arse, But at their ages they’re old enough to be communicating with him themselves without your input.

Neither of you come across as shining examples here.

At least you know next time to book with cancellation cover. That would be cheaper than hiring a nanny for a week.

Personally I would have used the mowny spend on the babysitter to change the dates of the holiday.
I wouldnt want a stranger staying for a week with my kids so I do understand why he is upset.

You’ll be relieved to hear I paid the twat off. But it still stung that I kept “his” house —which we had bought together and owned jointly—

Ah, Shrodinger’s childcare - simultaneously irresponsible AND overly protective!

It’s not a cheap holiday. It’s really fucking expensive but I got it cheaper cos I booked it ages ago, which you’d see if you read properly.