Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

This is such a bizarre mix of responses and the nasty ones have a really horrible sexist overtone! They’ve included assumptions that;

• I “took” the house even though he paid the mortgage
• My partner is someone I just met
• Ive ditched the kids
• ive prioritised my (new?) partner over the kids
• Teens would be humiliated by being supervised but simultaneously might be drinking and have parties
• i should throw away thousands rather than my children being slightly inconvenienced
• I’ve booked a stranger
• i should take them all with me!

Fuck me, so the exH gets to pick and choose when he fancies being a parent to his kids, gets to try and control the OP and start rows via their children, make malicious complaints to SS and pay less CMS than he should be the OP gets flamed for wanting a week’s break and leaving the ‘kids’ in safe hands???

Yeah of course the OP is in the wrong 🙄

Try reading properly.

most of these replies are mental. OP, you’re never, ever, allowed to do anything for yourself, ever again. You’re such a bad parent because you don’t see that 🙄

Three older teenagers who will stay at home together with an adult they know to cook them meals and drive them to school?! What a hardship 🙄

Did you miss the bit where I detailed that I have them ALL THE TIME save for the odd week here and there that their father deigns to have them? What is a shame about that? Would you never want anything without the children, even when they’re almost adults and would rather be doing their own thing anyway on holiday?

I’ll suggest that I tag along to the next couple of festivals with the oldest this summer. That will go down like a sack of shit…

Seems to be an awful lot of people not reading the thread properly before posting, and jumping on the OP for things that were never the case in the first place, maybe get the facts before piling on her?

OP enjoy your trip. If Superdaddy isn't happy with the arrangements, he has enough time to try and sort out a way to get them to school if he has them.

Ok. Calm down., I didn't mean to touch a nerve As I said each to their own. Have a good holiday.

The standard of reading comprehension from a large number of posters on this thread is absolutely woeful.

Actually no, when you post nonsense like how nice it would be to spend time together but each to their own, it’s pointedly aimed to gain moral superiority and guilt trip - except of course I’m with them all the time anyway. Perhaps you don’t see yours as often as you’d like.

I think you’re getting a hard time unnecessarily, your ex is being a dick and sounds like he’s been telling your kids shit to stir it up and get them on your case.
Yes, you made a mistake but you should absolutely go, enjoy yourself and know the kids are with someone who has looked after them before.
If you don’t you are always beholden to your ex and I think that’s wrong.

Another horrible MN pile on.

OP, of course yanbu.
Can you get on to Women's aid about his continued abuse of you, for advice.

Can you call 101 and ask for advice about his emotional abuse of the children, and log his emotional abuse of them?
Can you contact safeguarding at their school?

Fight fire with fire.
He is emotionally abusing the children to get at you.

Some years ago my friends younger cousin was married to a prick like yours and she made a complaint to the police.
She also logged it with the school safeguarding team.
She asked her solicitor to write to him to ask that he desist from doing a long list of things that were upsetting her children and that she had logged his behaviour.

Her family made sure lots of mutual friends and some of his colleagues saw the letter.
It got back to him because there was gossip as he was such a nice guy!
Text book street angel, house devil.

He was furious at being exposed and that it had been logged with police, school etc.
It did calm him right down though.

Bullies hate being exposed.

I don’t get posters who would drag along a teen who’s just going to be miserable just to say they holidayed together.

Ops placed a responsible adult in the house dbs checked.

Not that the 17 or 16 year old should need an actual adult as hell only a few years ago at 16 you could leave school and move into your own home.

We shall be camping later this year and I know for a fact my boy won’t want to come and he will be 17 and can cook. So he can look after the pets with grandparents on call just in case.

The kids are with you 24 7 ur the main parent for your peeps he's left the household and that's where he stays if he needs to know about the kids at any given point im.sure he will.know via a child 😉 lol he has nothing to do with your life now he's lost that part of the relationship ur not being unreasonable but I would start to make sure the kids know and he's knows what happens with your family now if about ur ways if he needs or wants to arrange anything that's down to him and give ur kids the responsibility now to have contact with him they will.soon learn your decisions lovely have a great holiday 😉

Because they're 15, 16 and 17.
I stopped going on holiday with my parents when I was 15 because it was awful for everyone involved.

I have mine all the time . I have one deceased and i miss her every day.. Look really calm down n enjoy your holiday.

Have you got teenagers??
Mine hasn't wanted to come on holiday with me since he was 15. And I let him stay at home all by himself 😱

You don't care for people's opinions so I have no idea why you bothered asking.

Your time to do this type of holiday is when your children are adults. It's ridiculous that you can't see that.

When my kids were about 12 and 9 I booked a babysitter (daughter of a family friend) to look after them for 2 days so I could go on a jolly (OK, a work conference, less fun than it sounds). But my ex, whilst a total arse, isn't controlling, just lazy.

When I went away for work for a couple of weeks (done this twice over the past 3 years), my parents came to babysit (cost of previous babysitter would have been prohibitive, parents like spending time with the kids, and whilst my parents are older, so are the kids, so it all works out).

Next time I go away for a night, my kids will be 16 and 13, and TBH, I'll ask them if they'll be OK alone, and only book someone if they say they won't - but I don't have any party worries (we live in the middle of no-where). By the time they're 17 and 14, I would expect them to be totally fine - maybe even for a week if I ramped up to it, and they had plenty of food in. That's basically an adult when it comes to the 17 year old. I stayed home at 14 and moved out at 17, so if trustworthy (and neighbours available for emergencies), not an issue.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you going away for a week and having a responsible adult just to keep an eye on things. All these people having a go are crackers.

I do recommend both JADE and Grayrocking. I keep communication to a minimum with mine, I don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - although yours is going via the kids which does make that tricker - but I'd explain that you are following what the court ordered. Stick to that line. I don't bad-mouth my ex (sees them once or twice a month for a day), but they are both very realistic about his reliability and shortcomings, so I don't have to.

In a nutshell.

@Mostlywilliow
Bloody hell, OP. You've seem to have turned the arsehole magnet 🧲 up to 11 On this thread!

Of course it's OK to go away without your strapping teens! Of course it's fine to leave them with a DBS checked teensitter to monitor the Good Ideas and snuff out any hint of a party!

Tell me you don't have a teenager :)

What?! Nope, adults need time together away from the dc. I’m not divorced/still with dh who is father of my teens. We’re going away next January just the two of us - twins have been skiing with school and dd1 has been to Italy in the autumn and Tenerife in July. They’re not deprived and we spend loads of family time together. The idea we should be glued to our teens is bonkers.

clearly, ideally dc would have been with their dad but that’s not the case so they will be fine for 7 days out of a whole year. I am pretty stunned so many have an issue with this.

this would be a complete waste of time for Women’s Aid, 101 and indeed the OP. The XH is being a dick, but they won’t be able to do anything to help for kids of this age.

Clearly many here have never been a single parent doing 99.9% of the parenting! My ex also cant get over the fact I bought him out of "our" house. Enjoy your holiday. I bet the teens don't mind at all, mine wouldn't!