Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

I agree, very very few teenagers would be happy about being told they’re staying at home with a babysitter instead of going on a holiday that they were already told they were going on. I don’t think this is down to their dad this time. He does sound like an arse generally though.

How did you get the school dates wrong? Why did you think that a young adult wouldn't want any input on decorating their room? You could have waited a year and had your holiday, they would be old enough to leave.
Your ex is a arsehole and can take emergency leave if so bothered. But it doesn't mean that he's wrong on every count.

Unless your kids are inherently irresponsible and likely to burn the place down I would just leave them well stocked with food/supplies/money/emergency contacts and go! Do they really need a babysitter/nanny? I moved out when I was 17..??

However if you're doing it so your ex can't throw it in your face that you 'left the kids' I can see from that perspective. He sounds absolutely vile.

My ex rang ss/the kids school and started a smear campaign because I went on a night out

It was my 30th birthday night out with friends (I never had a night out) and the kids where at home,safe and sound with my sil (they where aged 11,10 and 8 and more than happy to eat crap,watch tv and have a late night with their aunt)

He wasnt offering to have them-he hadn't seen or paid for them for years by this point but I was the must awful mother for A-going out on my birthday and B-spending 'his' money on myself/booze

I just laughed so hard and told him to jog on

I'd tell yours the same-its all about control with these cunts and if you dont give it to them,they have zero power

I think your ex is BU for many reasons

But did you book the holiday just for yourself and your partner?

You got someone to stay in the house with a 17 year old? For a whole week? I don't think I'd impose a stranger on my kids for a week. I also wouldn't impose my kids on a stranger. How much did this babysitter cost? I have to be honest, if DH did this I would think he'd lost his mind. What responsibilities will the babysitter have? I find this bonkers, I can't lie.

How much are you paying? Surely that good deal isn't so good when you factor in childcare.

My parents used to leave my brother and I at home age 15 and 17, for 3 or 4 days. We managed fine. 50 years ago kids were much more self sufficient and far less mollycoddled than today's youngsters

Just ignore him, he won’t change. DH’s ex wife is still like this after many years. Mutual friends have said that the majority of her conversations and social media posts are about what an awful father DH is and how he is apparently a narcissist. (He’s far from either) The DC are adults and he has no contact with her now. She still hasn’t forgiven him for daring to leave her despite the fact he was more than reasonable in the divorce settlement. When we met he warned me that her dying words would be how much of a bastard he is. I thought perhaps she might move on in time but sadly I think his prediction might be correct!

They're not young either. Frankly I think it's weird that the feel of this thread suggests much younger children.

They'll cope.

OP the ex can do what he wants. You don't have young kids and they are welcome to go to his house if they want while you're away. Keep the person you've hired in the house though.

is this a package holiday? I only note the no changes, refunds, amendments and I have previously heard of people being ‘fined’ or penalised for not bringing the whole group.

They’d paid for two people but only one showed, or paid/booked for 5 and 3 actually attended. I’m not clear why exactly the hotel would be bothered, but it can cause issues with certain packages.

Not a stranger. OP said this sitter has looked after them before so the family know her. Tbh how much minding will these children need? The eldest is virtually an adult and the other two aren't babies.
I think the children will probably get over it.
OP if your ex hates it that much he can look after the kids and pay for them to get to school why would you pay when you're not there? If he doesn't want to do that then he can shut up.

Really?

Sorry I couldn’t help but laugh at this. My parents went on holiday without me from me being 14 years old onwards - no one else in the house - and I lived independently from the age of 16!

I was left home alone for a week at 15 when my parents went away. It’s really none of his business anyway. Do the kids want to come and are already paid for? I’d take them all out of school for that tbh.

They're spot on the right age for a coercive controlling ex to start with the vexatious social services complaints. Young enough for it to upset you, but too old for social services to actually do anything inconvenient like insist that they go and live with him instead. No comfort at all but this seems to be straight out of the coercive control playbook. See also: texting your youngest when he'll be asleep and asking the police for a welfare check when he doesn't respond, has he tried that trick yet? He's exercised post-separation control for years by not telling you when he's having them, and now that they're old enough to begin making their own arrangements he needs to find something new.

They're also old enough for you to tell them that he can hold whatever opinions he likes but you don't want to hear it thanks.

Laughing my head off at the thought of them coming on THIS particular holiday! They are 3 mostly nocturnal gaming addict teens, and would rather be dead than come with me and my nerdy partner around the archeological sites of the Eastern Mediterranean!

Or he gets up early and/or takes annual leave and/or finds an air bnb for a week….?

I think Pps (me too) thought the kids were booked on the hol, and because you found out they’re in school you ditched them. We see now that’s not the case!

What was the plan if it had been the hols?

Your ex sounds vile.

The fact that you booked a family holiday to a destination that they don’t want to go to during school term aside, why do they need a baby sitter? Your ex isn’t that far away in case of an emergency and you can probably line someone else up nearer a well that they can contact if necessary.

A babysitter seems sort of overkill for three teens (eta but to be fair you know them and their needs best, I can’t understand why your ex feels he needs to have an opinion on this!) and to be honest, I can’t see why your ex would really need to communicate with you re contact with the kids given their ages but otherwise, he’s a wanker and a shit person, YANBU. I’d be telling the kids I didn’t really care to hear his opinion about me, why are they telling you? They’re plenty old enough to understand you’d not want to hear that surely?

You sound like you have come up with a practical solution that won't impact his life in any way was he expecting you to beg for his help?

I've mentioned on another thread that DH and I left our now 16 year old at home for three nights when she was 15, as she had no wish to come away with us. As I said, she practically shoved us out of the door, and has since had the house to herself for a week when we went away earlier this month. 17, 16, and 15? They don't need a babysitter!

I would be annoyed too if i had paid the mortgage and my partner took the house and i certainly wouldnt leave my children for a week with someone who wasnt family

How do you know he used to pay the mortgage?! Making assumptions about women are we? 🤨

This!

Kids that age it isnt a babysitter so much as adult supervision.

Four of mine I could have happily left on their own with no issues, but the others no so much. One would definitely throwing a party, one wouldnt plan a party but a party would end up happening. So no way could I have left them unsupervised, as much for their own good as mine.