Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

I hope you have a really nice holiday, OP. I’ve just come back from a week in Macedonia with a mum friend. We drank a lot of Macedonian wine, saw lots of orthodox churches and did lots of walking. Sounds like you have a sensible childcare solution. And social services are not going to be slightly interested in teenagers getting a bus to school. They get cross about vexatious reports, it uses up resources that are needed elsewhere.

That’s why you view all of the OP’s comments before you respond…

Why would you think that? OP has been perfectly clear that it's a second week of a half term holiday that her ex usually has the 3 children for the week (using the actual meaning of the phrase 'half term' rather than the annoying recent development of using it to describe every school holiday 😬). And that she booked VERY early, to get a substantial discount on a holiday for 2 that cost several thousand pounds.

She was then equally clear in a subsequent post that she's booked a qualified child carer she has used before, who has taken a week's leave from her main job to cover this one.

How much do you think nursery workers are paid? Many are minimum wage and there are plenty who don't earn over £30k. I don't know what rate OP has agreed, but if she said 'would a grand to move into my house for a week be of interest?', I suspect that would turn the heads of many 20-something childcare workers to put in their own holiday fund & use in the remaining 23 days leave they have left.

Responsibilities include 7-8am waking 3 teens, administering breakfast, ensuring they put bowls in dishwasher & leave for bus. 4-10pm ensuring some attempt towards homework is done & dinner is made for them, turning away hordes of teens at the door seeking a party, turning off wifi & generally encouraging getting some sleep at a suitable hour, running dishwasher, checking doors are actually closed & locked.

2 weekend days - as per after school period but midday-midnight, give or take.

Childcare provider still gets 5 weekdays to fill as she sees fit 8-4, whether that's kicking back in a lovely home, seeing local family, going to the cinema, spending her hard-earned gains at the shops, making money in a 3rd job again recording onlyfans foot fetish output against OP's luxe carpets, or whatever.

I suspect it's more than a grand, but even at £800, it would be far more than they get in their normal 'day job' for less responsibility, and OP doesn't loose the several thousands she's already spent on her holiday (she thought XH would have the children for).

I mean, it's not the sort of money or reality I live, but it's hardly far fetched either!

My see all button doesn't work which is highly irritating. Ironically if you read all my replies you'd know 😅

hehehehehe we really needed that. I feel complete now

No where does it say she bought him out, bet the poor sod lost everyone.
Leaving her kids with strangers for a week?
poor parenting

Your poor cat never getting to meet new people. Must be bored.....

You have exceptionally poor reading skills.

hahaha....brilliant.😂de-railing here..

All you pearl clutchers who stay glued to your kids every second of every day, look away now. DH and I had 1 night away (gasp). My DS (18 at the time) put the oven on to warm (for a pizza). Got distracted gaming, ended up going out when his mates called round (funnily enough to go out for a pizza) and came back, pissed at stupid-o-clock and went straight to bed.

We get back on the Sunday, around 1pm...oven still on and DS still asleep. Oven had been on for approx. 20 hours... At least the kitchen was warm.

I'm still traumatised when he dug the knife into the toaster, whilst it was still switched on, to get remnants out...

Fucking hell.

The double standards on this thread is unreal.

Of course you can go on holiday without your nearly adult children (usually mums on here tell other women that they should get a break and why does dad get to go away and mum can't).

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your teens will be fine and it will give them a sense of responsibility.

It disgusts me that women will tear other women down in the way that you have been on here by certain 'women', but those people will argue that black is white. Whatever you say will be wrong in their eyes. Some people need to unfuck themselves.

I hope you, your chap and your vagina enjoy the trip, make wonderful memories and come back feeling happy, refreshed and ready for the school holidays 😆

On the bright side, at least pizza hadn't gone into the oven BEFORE forgetting about it for 20 hours 😱

May I just say Mostlywilliow that your patience in dealing with some of the insane comments from rabid posters who can't be bothered to read and understand the full thread is admirable to say the least.

I wish you a wonderful holiday, blister-free from having broken in your walking boots, and the peace of mind knowing that you will come back to an intact house and kids who will appreciate you following your absence for a week!

I would just not respond. Any hint of annoyance plays into his hands by giving him control. Respond to any SS queries you get, but he will not go there, this is part of his wider need for control.

They are 15, 16 & 17 ... social services will laugh him out the door. Go on holiday, enjoy ur break and ignore the twat

Nope. He was and still tries to be highly abusive to me. I’ve posted under other names about some of his antics. He rarely denies it - it’s more that he feels like he’s justified to behave in this way. What a horror.

Gutted I missed some of the deleted comments! I’m sure they were highly insightful! I caught sight of one from last night about how I was fucking off with my latest shag! My partner of 5 years! Weird!

You need to have a reread there.

Them poor neglected babes. I think this has the beginnings of a tragidrama WE musical.

Right so the kids are all reasonably grown up.
They were all fine with this arrangement until Dad gaslit the situation…

Your kids are old enough now to be spoken to frankly….. tell them that you are not ‘abandoning’ them…. You are away for 1 week, of which they will be mostly at school, in their rooms gaming or sleeping anyway!!…
The ‘stranger’ is someone they’ve met lots of times before and she/he isn’t there to babysit them as they are all old enough to look after themselves…. However while they are almost adults you aren’t happy to give them the responsibility of looking after themselves, each other, and the house for a whole week, especially since 1 needs to be revising prior to exams starting….. THEREFORE you have employed a ‘HOUSE SITTER’ (not a babysitter) to just ensure the seemingly basic things happen - like doors being locked, cookers not being left on, plants watered, bins put out etc…
If you don’t trust them not to have parties tell them the house sitter is also there to ensure house rules are stuck to and leave a firm set of rules about for that week no one has friends round,
Tel them if they think they’re mature enough not to need someone looking over them then prove it…. This person is predominantly house sitting BUT if they are all mature then they can cook their own dinner rather than expecting this person to…. But will also need to be wiping down sides, washing up, drying up and putting away! The house sitter is there as a safety officer and rule enforcer only and not as their scivvy!

Be honest and tell them - while the original plan was that they’d be at their fathers, you’d miscalculated dates.. but that actually they’re all old enough to be left for a week, and old enough to just have a house sitter around and not need ‘babysitting’ or have to stay at a friends all week! Or grandparents (if you have them)…
You are semi trusting them to be responsible and the house sitter is there ‘just encase!!’ Tell them that!

Sell this to them as a good thing, a test run for them becoming independent adults in the VERY near future….

Say god knows what your dad has said but you’re not babies that can’t be left… you don’t NEED to be at his everytime I want a holiday

Make it so try t next time their dad brings it up they tell him they’re not babies and don’t need to be looked after by him everytime you take a break!!!

As for social services… they’ll likely be impressed you employed someone to keep an eye on the house and oversee things for a week… lots wouldn’t have bothered!! And the kids are welcome to arrange with a friend to stay at theirs that week.. unless of course dad thinks friends parents are also ‘strangers’

if all 3 end up arranging to be at friends all week though, I’d still arrange the house sitter just to ensure they don’t sneak back for a party!

My son is 16 and I rely on him to dogsit for me when I go away with work or whatever. He likes having me around to look after him but he's perfectly capable of looking after himself and not setting the house/himself on fire without an adult around. (Plus he's not the type to have parties when my back is turned as he hates mess). Getting someone in to keep an eye on three teens for a week is obviously completely reasonable. There are some real helicopter parents on here!

I don't agree with slagging off the ex to the kids - however justified - as it can backfire and create a wedge between you, but your ex really does sound like a massive bellend, OP. Your kids will no doubt come to realise this in time.

no. My middle one is super sensible but also a big worrier
youngest one definitely likely to leave the hob on or similar as he is scatty
eldest would have had parties.
and they would wind each other up

He sounds just like my ex also an ex police officer! Complete control freak. I too am on a much better position than him. My ex decided to f off to Thailand and thought he had got away with everything. He knew criminal law but not civil law. I got the better deal in court. However he too avoided paying CSA. They just can't bare it when they are not in control. He used to phone my eldest son but always got around to slagging me off so my son just hung up on him. I am much further forward than you now. when my eldest so got married he was going to invite his dad at the behest of his wife to be. I simply told them if the ex was going then I wouldn't because I knew he would cause trouble especially if he got drink in him. My ex mother in law and her younger son were invited and that was fair enough. Apparently he came back home to the UK for the 1st time in about 20 years a week before the wedding and my son's only knew about it because their uncle had put it on facebook. He didn't even let them know and they were prepared to travel to the other end of the country to meet with him! They had visions of him just turning up at the church. It transpired he went back to Thailand before the wedding. His mother said he was disappointed at not being invited and he had said he would not have caused any trouble. The very fact that he said that means he would have! He is the one who is missing out on his beautiful granddaughter just because he is an arse and she adores my now husband as her granddad. My kids are no contact with him now and they they think he is an arse too! I would definitely leave your kids with a sitter and enjoy your holiday. He is just still trying to exert control over you. Don't let him!

Can’t read your replies without trawling through everyone’s !
Easy to flick through and read OP’s though as you can scroll and look for the blue comments

They obviously know hence the Dad hearing there is a ‘stranger’ moving in for a week!