Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

Are the kids going with you? 😉🤣🤣

You have to be 18 to get married in England and Wales these days.

Miltiple posters are taking issue with you because a thread with 200/300+ posts on it requires you to read the OP's messages at a bare minimum.

If your phone cannot highlight them all at once then you can scroll through, as we used to do before that function was introduced.

A thrrad is an evolving conversation and it is rude to show up, read only the first post, and then offer your sugguestion.

How likely is it that after hundreds of replies nobody will have considered making the same suggestion?

Who wants to read through pages of the same answers to a post?

It's a message board, not quora, and you're missing out if you don't ever bother reading the threads here.

OP, not unreasonably, thought that her time to do this was during 7 of the (not actually) 52 days a year that XH has their children.

As someone with children at a school that tacks a random extra week onto a half term, but is inconsistent about whether it is before or after the 'main' week, OP has all of my sympathy about making an assumption to book the holiday early, and then finding out the school had nobbed about with which week to have as the 2nd one off.

I don't know any separated parents who don't ever go on holiday while children are with the other parent, do you?

There was an error in the assumption about which week children would be out of school. OP has owned it 100%, made arrangements to feed all 3, keep them safe & ensure they attend school.

Definitely time for some grown up conversations with your nearly grown up children - just because their Dad isn't capable of being a functional, communicating adult, doesn't mean they have to follow suit!

Enjoy your holiday OP 😎

How did my totally jokey post get deleted by Mumsnet. Not really sure how it broke the guidelines. Maybe it was misinterpreted as serious.

Anyway op - enjoy your holiday. Your kids will be fine. Ignore your ex, such an absent Dad doesn't get to criticise your parenting.

What for?

Call his bluff and ask him to take them or stay at yours if he's so concerned. They are his responsibility as much as yours. And how dare he imply parents who send their kids to school by bus should be reported to social services - it's crazy to think he did that! Bus is perfectly acceptable!!

As for this relationship between you and him - try to keep your cool about him around your kids. I come from a single parent family and was way less affected by things because my mother did not bad mouth my father or involve me in drama. If you guys can't get along (whether it's his fault or not), try to keep the kids out of it. Maybe you do this already. It sounds like a difficult situation but sounds like you are a great mum and well done for divorcing him if he wasn't making you happy. Best of luck with your holiday!

OMG thank goodness a man has joined the thread, to impart his wisdom.

I know! What would we have done without him?!

I think I might have worked out the bus issue.

OP doesnt say if he contributes financially to the fees, but even if not I am guessing he is rather proud to tell people that "his" sons are at private school. So them slumming it on the bus with the proles does rather bugger up his "doing really rather well old chap" persona.

He sounds like an arse .

Do kids of those ages really need to be looked after while you're away !

Maybe the 15 Yr old does but can he/she go to a relative .

Yep, I do as it was CSA for the entirety of the time I used it.

Woman here!
Sounds like you are a pillock, no wonder no one cares what you think.

Sorry OP but I am rather enjoying the no nonsense responses to the criticisms here. I admire your delivery! Of course you should still go away and of course you should ensure an adult is at home to supervise. My 15 year old son is very sensible but his school has repeatedly advised parents of the dangers surrounding parties when parents aren't present. They say that every single year there is a party that very much goes wrong. It starts out with just a few friends. Word gets out on social media. Word quickly gets out to the local drug dealers who often then show up, sometimes armed with knives and a tantalising array of drugs. They particularly want to target parties to get a group of new customers. Back in the 90s my parents would go away and leave me (14) in the supposed care of my 17 year old sister. She would often disappear as didn't wish to 'babysit' me. We lived in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't a huge amount that we could have got up to (although I did once acquire a kitten whilst they were away and then pretended to have just found it in the garden a few hours after they returned home).
Today is a very different world with the use of social media.

The 'Nanny' doesn't have to 'babysit' them. She will merely be an adult presence in the house as a party deterrent and might make the occasional meal to help out. Of course your kids don't want her there. Of course your ex doesn't want a nanny there. He wants things to go wrong so that he can evidence it as poor parenting.

Go and have a great time OP. But do make sure that you give them the choice. They either come with you (despite knowing that they will loathe it) or they get to stay at home with an adult present and you will leave some additional money for takeaways. That way they can't change the narrative to "my mother abandoned us and didn't take us on holiday as children" in moments of future martyrdom. Obviously the option to join you should be presented in a way which will absolutely deter them from choosing this option.

You sound like a fantastic mum. Ignore the negative comments Hope you enjoy the holiday!

They absolutely do. Would anyone seriously leave three young teens in charge of their house for a week? It would be party central within 5 minutes of OP leaving to catch her plane. Never under estimate a teen. I’ve been there, got the t-shirt.

Lets not forget they are lads.

I know I know, girls can be dicks too but lets face it, we all know that the biggest Good Ideas, Brilliant Plans and "I KNOW!!!" come from lads that age! Ask me how I know!

@Mostlywilliow
Have an amazing holiday & ignore all the posters here who don't speak or understand English.. feck's SAKE.. (just read the whole thread)..

The most fascinating thing about this thread is the number of people who seem to lack the ability to read and understand a post but blithely go ahead and comment anyway. Have a wonderful holiday you three (you, him and vag).

Agreed, out and out jealousy dressed up as faux concern for the poor hard knock life abused teens. I have 3 once teen boys, and can confirm they would have been thrilled to have a week without me ranting on about homework/ snacks in bedrooms/ screen time/ winding each other up

Your children are old enough to be told that leaving teenagers home with a babysitter is quite fine. And they are old enough to percieve their father's ranting as unkind and out of line.

Decide, as a family, that you will not make mountains out of mole hills about their father's behaviour.
State clearly their father's negatives and state clearly that you don't need him nor his views upsetting your very nice lives.

Tell the kids that reporting things from their Dad is not helpful.
Ask the kids to form a monthly calendar of the dates they will be able to spend time with their Dad (and send him a copy).
Dad is disorganised but your children don't have to be.

If he wants to meet up when it is unsuitable, your children are old enough to respond.

@Mostlywilliow Your ex is being idiotic and wasting SS's time with his complaints, which is particularly irritating given how overstretched services are.

You sound very responsible to me getting a sitter to keep an eye on them for the week to ensure they get to school on time, eat, and don't throw parties. Legally, you don't have to do this (although personally I think it's a good idea) and your ex won't get anywhere with his moaning.

If he's really concerned, he can drive over to check on them every couple of days...bet he won't though.

@Gawdblimeygovenor I don't think parents/step-parents who want to have a couple's holiday need to give teenagers the choice of coming with them. DH and I went away for a week last summer, no one else was invited!
Our two had plenty going on themselves, including their own holidays with friends.

Can I ask out of interest (I am Team OP!) would you have left them together as teens, with no supervision, and go away for a week as many on here have suggested? I presume not as you didnt mention your house burning down!