just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

Op you love you son yet won’t acknowledge any of it is his fault (except ‘bad choices’).

Maybe my view is biased.

I knew someone who was in a similar position to the child’s mother in that she didn’t want the father or his family involved and tried to avoid him finding out.

Long story short, he found out and beat the absolute crap out of her. His mother didn’t believe he was at fault either. So that’s why I am saying that if you open the can of worms, you have to take responsibility for any fallout.

On the face of it, it would seem that your DS has very little to offer in the way of any benefit to the baby which may or may not be his. If anything he would bring nothing but chaos to what is probably already a difficult situation for the baby's mother.

I would stay out of it. If the mother wants to make contact, she will.

I'm surprised at how many people believe this man's 'rights' to be a father supercede the rights of a child to grow up without being burdened with a highly troubled, drug taking, criminal 21 year old for a father.
I wonder if people who believe this have any real idea of what life is like for a child of a parent with these issues, and what the long term impact can be? The insecurity, the chaos, the let downs, the unpredictability, and when they're old enough to understand, the anxiety, worry and grief? OP is his mother, and look at the misery she is experiencing, who would wish that on a child if they could be spared?
And yes, some people do turn their life round for a child. But many don't. They do just enough to be able to stay around on the periphery, turning up as and when, causing disruption and insecurity.
If this was a woman considering a relationship with him the advice would be run for the hills. Yet he should be in the life of an innocent child?
If he is indeed the father, the time for him to find out is when he's capable of being the type of father this child deserves.

It doesn't sound like he can make the info useful. He has enough on his plate right now in trying to reform his messy life. There's no value in telling him now.

One Day at a Time, OP. x

He was already given a chance not to reoffend. He was given a driving ban. He reoffended and added possession and driving without insurance while he was at it. Do you think he should have been given another chance until he hurt someone before sending him to prison for his crimes?

Not to mention how many chances he had not to do it in the first place!

You sound very naive.

again im not saying hes not at fault for what hes done, i know he is and ive never pretended otherwise

but if he is a dad then he does have a right to know, i dont think i can just sit on something like that forever. i just keep coming back to how much hes already struggling and whether telling him now would do more harm than good

hes not violent and never has been, so im not worried in that sense at all, its more his mental state and how he processes things

i feel stuck between doing the right thing and doing the kindest thing and i dont know if they are the same here

I'd think the possibility of being of a parent might actually be a turning point in terms of the son's behaviour. If it's not, at least he'll be supervised in prison.

I know people are saying the only opinion that matters is the child's mother, but that's incorrect. Courts would grant contact if it was in best interests in the child. It is, unless the parent is abusive and they are still being responsible/breaking the law.

The son here is young, he can still turn his life around. The baby's mum had a baby with him knowing all this (including how young he is), so sounds to me like they both need parenting support here. Most definitely the son needs to take responsibility for what he's done. Seek help for whatever it is made him feel these actions were fine and be a good role model. Otherwise he deserves to be denied any contact, but that doesn't mean the OP or extended family can't be involved.

Stay out of this. He's a grown adult who has behaved badly enough to find himself jailed. Son or no Son. I'd give this a wide berth.

Great post.

You’re not 100% sure he is, so there’s nothing to tell him.

Just tell him when he’s out and then he can get a DNA test. How long is he inside for?

He’s 21. An adult.

I very much doubt the court would grant contact given the child is 3 months old and the father is currently in prison. The child is not there to rehabilitate its father.

OP said he won’t seek help for his issues so it seems nobody wants to take responsibility for his actions. She doesn’t indicate that he wants help to do better.

Would you really get involved knowing there is a risk that by getting involved, things could go so wrong? I’m really surprised that so many people would be willing to risk the wellbeing of a woman and her young baby.

If he turns his life around then and only then he should perhaps have the chance to prove himself. But until he and his mother can understand that it isn’t the fault of everyone else then there’s no point

I would probably offer to help in any way with the innocent child/ my grandbaby and leave the incarcerated ket addict to it?

What are you going to do if you tell him that a woman you know nothing about, and don't even know if he had a relationship with her, has had his baby, he becomes even more unstable and it turns out that this baby is nothing to do with him at all?

Have you even considered the baby is someone else's? This baby was born in January, he would have known she was nearly 7 months pregnant when he went to prison IF he had an actual relationship with her or she wanted him to know or if was even his baby. He may have been seeing the young woman a year or so ago, she may have started seeing someone else quickly afterwards when he was first caught drug driving. Baby may have been early or premature.

You do not have any facts at all to tell your unstable son anything @0tiredmumof3

My worry would be that the mother is not much better than OPs son if she actually thought he was a catch in the first place.

If I was OP I would be trying to work towards a more ‘normal’ life after all the stress and hurt her son has given her, not bring more of the same into my life. I’d steer clear of it all, especially for now.

The right thing and the kindest thing are the same though. Stay out of it.

So far you have blamed drugs, a bad crowd, undiagnosed ND (because he won’t seek help), his father dying.

If he is banging his head on the wall then how are you so sure he won’t harm someone else? He refuses to take the help that’s offered. He’s not going out of his way to move his life forward.

But it’s clear that you think his and your interests are the most important. Like I said I hope for the sake of that 3 month old
baby that you are doing the right thing because that’s who will have to live with any consequences.

Well first up stop minimising your sons behaviour /actions - you don't end up in prison these days for 'not being a bad lad'. In fact if anything sentencing is often quite lenient and for first time minor offences people don't get sent to prison unless it was a proper violent crime etc.

So don't minimise - your son has committed crime, and it wasnt nothing as he's been put in prison for it so yes he is a bad lad. But hopefully incarceration and rehabilitation can help him learn and change.

If this child even is his, the baby's mum may well hope to avoid him ever coming into their lives again given his actions and criminal record.

First up, can you speak to your son and ask if it's even possible he has fathered this child?

Exactly this.

And if the son behaviour is partly because he lost a parent then his child may go through the same thing if he doesn’t get his shit together.

He needs to engage with the help that’s offered before he’s even ready to be asked that question.

Yes to be fair I'd agree with that, he needs to work on himself first and foremost. You're right

Sorry, I don't think I've come across as I meant to.

I'm saying that people think that the baby's mums say so is going to determine a future relationship and that is not true.

So, what is best for the baby? Best thing is having two stable parents putting him/her first. Next best thing is having one stable parent putting him/her first.

I've no idea if the son can manage to turn things around, but if you think courts won't grant supervised access simply because someone has gone to prison, you're mistaken. The charges aren't against children. Even after being convicted of DV against the other parent you still get contact. It's disgusting but true.

If the son can't be bothered changing then he won't be involved for any length of time if at all. And yes OP does need to stop making excuses. It doesn't mean he's evil, but it means that he's not responsible and doesn't care about rules or hurting himself or others at this time. That's what needs addressed. But her question was should she tell him.

And yes, she should.

As a retired prison officer of 32 years I can completely agree with you that just because he’s in prison doesn’t make him a nasty person. I’ve met lads who are doing time for shoplifting but did it to try and give their much younger siblings birthday or Christmas presents as their actual parents were out of it on drugs. I’ve met some really canny lads in prison and some not so canny too. If I was in your position I’d do some digging and see if I could find out exactly what’s going on before I said anything to him. You need to have the facts. Then you can make the decision to tell him or not. Good luck x

Tell him. Agree with the above poster that it may be a turning point for me, and while in there he will have time to reflect on it all and on himself.

He doesn't have the right to know. She and her child have the right to not have an ex banging on the door straight out of prison, demanding 'his rights' over a child she has given birth to, having been egged on by his mother listening to rumours.

And even if he has never to your knowledge been violent before, well - he's been in prison. That changes a lot of people, especially when you add in the emotional impact of being imprisoned, the lack of assessment and treatment for any possible neurodiversity, the likelihood of having accessed other drugs in prison, of coming out and heading straight for a pub or dealer, and all the stuff that you don't know about any possible relationship (and by the sounds of it definitely wouldn't believe about him in any case).

The right thing AND the kindest thing is to keep your mouth shut. Of course, this is the right and kindest thing for an innocent baby, not necessarily for you or your son, but there we go - although what do you think will happen to him if pretty much the first thing he does on release (having been wound up in prison over it) is get hold of a car and drive to her/her Mum's house to demand these non existent rights? He'll be straight back inside again.