just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

Tread carefully. This would be very insensitive

What do you mean? She’s said her son isn’t a bad lad at all and it’s definitely not his fault he’s in prison! 😶

You say he isn’t a ‘bad lad’. Did he commit a crime? (Regardless of ADHD etc)

However I can’t see how contacting her is going to do anything positive. It’s up to him to decide whether or not to have a relationship with the child, and you should take his lead.

They clearly didn’t want you to know for whatever reason. You have heard gossip and it would be unwise to get involved at this point.

True that 🙄😬

I get you, Otired.

Do find the mother and write her a friendly note.

If the baby definitely is your son's, it may give him something worthwhile to live for and be a positive incentive to do better.

Once you sure of the paternity, with the mother's permission, I would tell him.

Good luck. x

Hi OP I would strongly recommend you look up Sarah Templeton. She helps young men and teenage boys with ADHD turn their lives around especially when they have been involved with the criminal justice system. She has several organisations/advice services so one of them will probably be right for you.

Definitely sit with it for a while rather than rushing into contacting him or the baby's mum etc. He's in prison so he's not going anywhere. The baby is little and won't be aware of very much yet. Nothing much is going to change if you take time to get your head around it rather than acting impulsively.

I worked in a prison for seven years. If I had a £ for every time I heard “I didn’t ought to be here” I would be a rich woman.

However perhaps the mother wants nothing to do with the child’s father or his family.
If it was me I wouldn’t want someone contacting me saying I understand my incarcerated son might be the father of your child, I want a DNA test to prove it then I want to be involved in the child’s life. If I was hoping this information never became public as I was protecting my child from this man I’d bin the letter and be asking how to get a restraining order in case he or his family tried to come round to see the child.

Unless the baby's mother makes contact with you or your son, leave it alone. The choice is hers whether she wants any involvement from both of you.

I think @0tiredmumof3 you need to find out what the mother wants and respect her wishes in the first instance.

Secondly as the mother of a girl with ADHD and some autistic traits, who was cutting and overdosing aged 15 and in a very dark place, I hear you. DD did turn herself round and didn't get into trouble but it took a a consultant adolescent psychiatrist, endless therapy and therapists, some specialost therapy on a day care basis, a diagnosis and medication. CAMHS did not want to know. It cost us £8,000 and BUPA picked up a similar tab. I don't imagine that was an option for your boy, who regardless of what he has or hasn't done, was let down by the system.

Adolescent MH services in this country are not fit for purpose.

I hope you get through thos and yiur boy hets the support he needs, inside and out.

i didnt know he had a girlfriend at all, never met her, dont have any contact details or anything so i cant just get in touch even if i wanted to

and i do feel i need to say again because a few comments are a bit unfair, just because hes in prison doesnt make him a bad lad. hes made mistakes and some very poor decisions, i wont pretend otherwise, but he isnt violent or anything like that and never has been

hes always been very immature for his age and struggles in ways that havent really been properly dealt with. that doesnt excuse things but it does explain a lot of it

im not burying my head in the sand about him but i also dont think its helpful to just write him off as some awful person when thats not the reality

im still none the wiser what the right thing is re telling him or not tbh, i can see both sides which is why im so stuck.

The whole thing has to be properly tested before any action
Is the mother in real relationship with your son and does she want him back to her life after he leaves prison? Can you wait to see him or him to come out and see how and what from there?

'Not a bad lad' - what is he in prison for?

It may be that the mother wants nothing to do with him. I can't say I'd want a criminal around my child (even if he's 'not a bad lad' and him being in prison is all a misunderstanding).

I am going to go slightly against the grain here. I really don’t mean this to be as harsh as it might sound, but I’m shocked at the majority of responses to you so far.

You have a son who by your own admission makes poor choices and uses drugs. He is in prison. You didn’t know this woman or have an awareness of a relationship between them.
This woman has chosen NOT to engage with you or your son, she hasn’t sought you out for support or asked for help.
Those are the facts you have, beyond that I feel it’s important to consider all possible reasons why you are only learning about this now.
What is to say your son was kind to her? Was she abused, was she unsafe? Has she kept her pregnancy and child well clear for a reason? Is she fearful?

I wonder why in a woman’s forum so many users are blindly ignoring the fact this woman has made these choices for herself and her baby in the face of a potentially risky and unsuitable man fathering her child. Demanding involvement and a DNA test is poor taste in my opinion here. Respect her implied wishes and leave her alone. Say NOTHING to your son.

You would need to be 100% sure of the circumstances and facts. I wonder how far his coterie of drug addicts and criminals could be trusted.

The baby might not even be his - maybe contact the mother and see what she says

Yeah, the reaching out and first off asking for a DNA test is crazy. She hasn’t sought involvement, she’ll just tell the OP to get lost.

What is your son in prison for? What are the bad decisions he has made?

I think you contact the mum and see if she wants you involved at all.

I also think you need to accept your relationship with this child is separate from your sons. My ex is a nasty man, he likely is autistic as our children are. When we split his family pushed him to have a relationship/gave him the money to fight me. Now 10 years later I have traumatised children and a police investigation into his abuse/ violence to the children when he can’t handle it.

everyone would have been better off if he had just not been involved. I would happily have his mother involved but because she wants to be involved their dad is involved. So if you want to be involved for the love of god don’t push your son in this kid. You say he’s not a bad lad just had a difficult life but whatever valid excuse a person has for how they have behaved you simply cannot be like that and a parent as it affects the child

@0tiredmumof3 I'd say nothing to your son until you are in a position to safety net him and that is unlikely to be the case whilst he's in prison.

When will his sentence end? Will you have him home with you?

'He's not a bad lad'. He's not that great either.

It really is Chinese whispers OP and even if the friends son believes that your son is the father, he may be wrong. I would be inclined to do nothing until your son is out of prison or at least more stable in himself, then tell him what you have been told.

OP - Firstly, I’m sorry that you have recently learned of this information in the way you did, it must have been a huge shock.

As your son is old enough to be in prison, then he’s old enough to know whether he is a father. My first instinct would be to visit him and ask if he knows this woman (the child’s mother). You will know by his reaction whether or not they may have had a relationship. Then take it from there - If he says he may be the father then I agree with others who have said that a DNA test will be needed, but if the mother doesn’t consent to this then it may not happen without legal intervention.

As someone else said, the mother may not want any help/support/involvement from the child’s father’s family, for her own good reasons. Please tread carefully and beware getting involved at the moment until you know all the facts.

You are assuming the baby's mother wants him involved. She might want nothing to do with him.

How long is he in prison for? It's a big difference if he's getting out in a month, or in five years.

Do you think it's likely that anyone else will tell him that he (maybe) has a child? If so, I would tell him because the news is probably better coming from you. I don't know if the prison has a counsellor you could co-ordinate with to share the news (I'd like to hope so, but really, they probably don't, right?)

If he isn't getting out immediately and is unlikely to hear it from elsewhere, I would try to confirm the rumour - because right now, it's a rumour - first. Write to the woman - ideally a proper letter, not on social media - and say you have heard this, and you'd like to know a) if it's true, and b) if it is, whether she would like any contact with your family. Give her your number.

She may choose to not contact you. In which case, I think you'll need to tell your son and ask what he wants to do next (i.e. does he want to pursue contact through the courts).