just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

Sorry to read your update, OP. I know if my DS were hitting his head against a wall I would be very confused and concerned.

I hope you are able to visit him regularly and assure him of your love?

My brother is an addict with terrible MH, and all I have learned is confusing guidelines about the difference between support and enabling. It's very hard to get it right. I am sure you have had internal battles about this yourself. I wish you luck.

Exactly. And the fact that she’s said it’s this situation that makes her feel she’s failed him is odd.

If she wanted him to know about this baby, she'd have told him. And after what you've described, she may not want her baby around someone who frankly sounds very troubled. He's not exactly model father material being in prison and I don't mean that cruelly. I think she's the one in control here, and there's nothing you can do. I think you need to put all of your focus on keeping your son on the straight and narrow once he's out.

You son is an adult.

So that you are not keeping anything from him, talk to him about the rumour you have heard. That is it.

He is an adult, he needs to make his own decisions about any next steps.

I’m sorry but you sound in denial about what he’s done. It was a bad crowd etc. everyone makes mistakes but they can’t blame others.

If he’s 21 and you think he has undiagnosed special educational needs you can get the staff there to look into it and Ask if they can do an education health care plan application for him - then they should get him help to get some qualifications and learning support. May as well make use of any help he can get when he’s in there.

in terms of the baby you should tell your son what you’ve heard and ask if he wants you to reach out to her. She maybe intentionally be keeping her distance as I doubt she wants a family court application from a drug using prisoner

I don’t think it’s in baby’s best interest for mum to be scared or put under pressure now but if you can offer money or food or baby items I’m sure it would be appreciated

Then why hasn’t she contacted OP or her son via his friend?

I would approach this with caution. I assume from your comment that you have found out before your son has and that you were not even aware of him dating. It might have been a one night hook up? I would certainly look to establish paternity at the earliest opportunity. This avoids a lot of heartache on all sides if the baby does not turn out to be yours sons. Particularly as he is in prison and is unlikely to be able to do much. Including develop a meaningful relationship with the baby. Having worked with young fathers in custody, I know of one or two who were wholeheartedly throwing themselves into their fatherhood from a distance, only to be dropped like a hot potato when testing proved the child wasn’t theirs. A whole lot of beg emotions and poor choices ensued before they settled down. Which of course has an impact on progression.

you could ask to speak to the chaplain at the prison. They’re usually a good avenue of support. . Or speak to the visits team as they may be able to direct you to help and support as well.

you could tentatively say you’ve heard from whoever gave you the info and see how he reacts. But I’d prefer you did your background research first as the uncertainty and lack of confirmation can cause a lot of distress when new/young dads are powerless to do anything initially when they’re in prison.

It's not the OP 's job to establish paternity. That's for the child's mother to do if she wishes the possible father and his mother to be involved.

The last thing the mum or grandmother needs is the fear that they could have some ex and his mother buzzing around, least of all going on about rights, DNA testing and suchlike on the basis of a stirring mum of one of his mates sending you a message that may or may not be true.

If she wanted him to know (assuming he didn't already know and told her to fuck off/have a termination/it's not his 'cos she's a whore/hit her/she didn't say she decided to continue with the pregnancy or said she miscarried/terminated it), she would have contacted you herself. But she didn't. Because she doesn't want her baby to have anything to do with either of you, most likely because of him - and a side order of 'his mother still says he's a really good lad underneath the serious criminal offences he's committed and actually been caught committing to get himself in the prison system already'.

Leave them both alone. Do not say a word to your son about it. Give this young woman the safety and peace in which to break the cycle with her baby.

Absolutely this.

If it does turn out to be your son's child then tbh I think the child will be much better off without his dad in his life as doesn't sound like he'd make a great dad and certainly won't be a great role model to the poor child anyway.
A Drug using criminal, I wouldn't wish that kind of parent on any child.
Just leave the woman and her child be and let them get on with their lives.

Surely it isn't impossible to find out who the mother is, and I am sure she could've tracked you down if she wanted to do so. You could start by asking the lad who told his mum and tracing back from there.

I think you should not tell your son without the mother wanting you to do so. Also you have just heard a rumour, imagine you tell your son he is a dad and it isn't actually true.

Its bloody hard to have a child in prison, I feel for you. There are plenty of men in prison that are there because of stuff they have done because of their ADHD, so ignore all the chats on here. Have you thought about bringing this up while on a visit? He may be able to throw some light on it? At least you will be there to support him.
(((hugs)))

Oh stop it! Its her child, have some sympathy!!! You have perfect children doyou??

I feel for you OP, this all sounds so stressful. And I believe you when you say your son isn't a bad lad, I used to work in prison and was not surprised by the statistic that something like 25% to 30% of prisoners have ADHD, which is five to ten times higher than in the general population.

It's easy to write people off, but there but for the grace of God and all that.

If this woman wanted you or your son to have anything to do with the baby she would have been in touch by now. Leave it alone.

I doubt she’s his girlfriend. It’s more likely a casual thing. I’d talk to your son before doing anything.

Gosh this is a lot I’m not sure if you should speak to your son if you can before you do anything else . I’m soo sorry you’ve got soo much going on and then a grandchild comes along too you must be all over the place emotionally . Wishing you lots of luck in whatever you do and hoping things sort themselves out ❤️

Wow, I sincerely hope that nobody will ever need empathetic, non judgemental support from you.

Do you know what he actually was charged with?

You need to wait until he comes out. Assuming it won't be long if he is mostly a good boy. Then you need to get him masses of support and to change his life .. assuming he wants that.

Just a bit of ket? Seriously you need to change your life view imo.

Without doubt this is the best advice on the thread.

OP, I truly hear you. As hard as it is, please detach from the insensitive, judgemental and sarcastic posts on this thread. They won't help you in any way.
You can be incarcerated and not be a bad person. I hope your son gets the right support for the future.
Please take care of yourself OP, your son is very fortunate to have you as his mum.

Don't be so ridiculous nooone has "perfect" children. But the OPs son is a drug using criminal, what good is it pretending he's not? If she really wants to help him she needs to stop being in denial and blaming "the bad crowd".