just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

This isn’t your responsibility and even if you feel you have an obligation as a (possible) grandparent the person to do the running is the mother of the child, by deciding or not to consider contacting your son.
Unfortunately if you want to be in contact or even contribute towards the child you have no rights to be in contact, particularly when your son is incarcerated. The mother may have accepted to cut her losses and contact with your son because of the implications of the situation he is now in.

So some random approaches you and says “she thought you should know”. The inherent assumption there is that you don’t know. Why would she assume that if she is not close to you? I’m thinking chances are it’s not your son’s child, but rather someone else (possibly her own son) who is trying to deny responsibility.

And if it makes him worse? And if he continues to refuse help? Sitting in jail with nothing else to think about is going to make things worse.

It’s not the job of the child to turn its father’s life around. The OP won’t acknowledge that, whatever the circumstances and despite being let off lightly originally he continued to offend.

This is not a man who is facing up to what he did and trying to make it right. His mother thinks it was bad influences and bad decisions. Would you want someone like that in the life of a child you knew?

@0tiredmumof3 Do you understand that your actions could be putting people’s lives and wellbeing at risk. I’m guessing not because of course your son isn’t responsible.

Could you live with any consequences? Would you just excuse that as well?

If OP is happy for her son to think of himself as more of a loser than he already does, then go for it.

I don’t believe telling him will help improve his MH, it’ll worsen it if anything. He’s best to have this time to focus on himself and his rehabilitation to enable him to become a respectable member of society on his release. Once he’s nailed this, then he can move on to being a decent dad one day.

That's some story you've told there. Banging on her door straight out of prison? Why would you assume that?

That only man I've had trying to bang down my door was well educated and in a high earning job. I've also worked with clients who have been in prison and the most mild mannered people you could meet, they just had bad home lives or a lack of support so turned to substances. Some manage to beat that and have children or have great relationships with the ones they already had.

I fully support a decision to limit of withdraw contact with an irresponsible or dangerous parent, but making up stuff that is ultimately going to affect a child's life just because you have decided someone must be violent or intimidating is a bit much.

There will be a reason she hasn’t told your son. If you do decide you want to support her, you have to be prepared to take the rose tinted glasses off and really accept that he might just be a “bad lad”.

Do not go in demanding DNA

I'd just drop in conversation that there is a rumour that he has a child. See what he says to that. If this has got back to you via a mum, who's son told her, who found out from someone else then there is a good chance your son has already heard it himself if he is writing to friends.

PPs description resonates with me. I work with vulnerable women and I've seen this many times. If you're working with men in a helping capacity, I dare say you have met them when they're mild mannered.
When you meet them on the other side of the story, when your role is supporting women and children, you get a different perspective. You see the impulsivity. The lack of understanding of the difference between what they want and what is in the interests of others. The difficulty in accepting no. Not always. But enough to be a pattern and not something to risk a mother and baby being exposed to if there's a choice.
Your view is contact may facilitate rehabilitation. Mine is rehabilitation first, which could facilitate contact.

She doesn’t know he won’t be violent. Does the son sound like he will take things in his stride, given his erratic behaviour, continuing to offend after the first offence and refusal to accept it?

And would you risk the health and wellbeing of a baby to prove the point?

Sounds like the child is better off not knowing his father is in jail. I mean really!

As I said......

My DS (adopted) had many of the issues mentioned by the OP. Self harm, self medicating with illegal or prescription drugs, alcohol, mental health issues.

Mid-late teens were awful and there were a few occasions we were phoned to collect him from A&E or answered the door to the police returning him home. I despaired, frankly.

He has subsequently been diagnosed with ASD and is three years on an ADHD waiting list.

He made some very silly and very dangerous choices at times and it is a miracle he didn't end up in prison or dead.

Nearly 24 now, and appreciates what he put us through and is on the way to learning how to keep himself safe and recognise the warning signs and triggers himself.

So, as I said OP, there but for the grace of God goes me and my son 💐.

Edited because I pressed send too soon.

I mention my DS was adopted as this was history repeating itself in his case. His birth dad was the same and was contributing factor to DS ending up in care.

Whilst your son finding he is a father might "turn him round" had my DS not had our support and influence then he probably would have gone even further of the rails. It was having a solid foundation and stability to return to that helped in the end. Will your son ever be in a situation to provide that stability?

I talk from experience

Great post, 100% agree with this

Presumably because he eventually chose to take help to turn his life around? That is amazing, he’s done a great thing.

But OP’s son is clearly nowhere near that at the moment. His own mother minimises his actions so he probably sees it the same way

I’ve already said this further up, but the more you post the more I really, really think you need to keep well away from this woman, the baby, and not mention it to your son.
Regardless of what you say, you really are minimising your son’s actions, and then excusing them too.
Guess what? My dad died when I was 10 too. Yet, here I am…typing this from my own bed, and not a prison cell.

Best case scenario here is that your friend got it completely wrong and this child is absolutely nothing to do with your son.

Yes, he did take the help in the end, but there was a time during which there was no reasoning with him.

As he and his brain matured in his early 20s we started to see a difference in his attitude and behaviour - and being medicated after the ASD diagnosis definitely helped too.

OPs son may just not be quite mature enough to take the next sensible steps. But in order to do this he will need support, he won't just manage it on his own.

He won’t take the support though and his mother is enabling to think it’s not his fault.

Bringing the drama is not going to help him

This is the best post.
A lot really depends on the mum - if she’s like your son the child will need proper support and a family. If she’s a decent, clean, solvent woman she’ll probably do better without a druggie ex-con in her life.

I hope so much your son can turn it around, OP. It can’t be easy. Good luck with everything.

Hey - if this baby is his, and that needs to be established via dna test before he gets invested emotionally I suppose to protect everyone involved BUT if this baby is his, this might just be his push and reason to turn his life around, maybe better he finds out in prison so he doesn’t go off the rails with pressure and it gives him time to consider the ‘what if this baby is mine’ and a way forward with life!

His mum is probably struggling as much as I was, probably more as her son ended up in prison, mine didn't.

I always said that my boy was not a "bad" person, he was a struggling, vulnerable and lost person. So maybe I minimised it too. But at the time it was the only way I could be.

I needed support and compassion in order to be able to offer him that same support and compassion. I wasn't responsible for his actions, but I was responsible for my responses and I was desperately trying not to respond in a way that pushed him further down the wrong path.

I feel for OP.

When his mother minimises his actions and he won’t take help, how is the possibility that he is a father going to help?

But no, let’s bring a 3 month old baby into it.

She wants to defend him? Fine.

She wants to risk a woman and child? Not fine

Because we've had to call the police to remove individuals who have done exactly that - gone straight from the front gates to bang on doors and then, when they're not there (because they moved), go to grandparents and to schools to demand what they call their rights.

No amount of fluffy, oh, they're lovely boys, really, has changed the fact that once their sense of entitlement gets in the way, children and women are frequently first in the firing line on release.

@0tiredmumof3
but if he is a dad then he does have a right to know, i dont think i can just sit on something like that forever.

Normally I’m an honesty is the best policy person. However part of being in prison is the absence of the outside world. It’s another thing he’s lost the right to.

You shouldn’t feel bad if it’s true and he finds out you knew. Different situation to him just being in a different town or working away for instance.