just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

I thought you were having a go at me there. 😀
I've found it so easy not being sent to prison. You don't get sent there for being a 'Good Lad'. Sorry OP.

I realise it wasn’t clear from my original post 😬

Getting caught. The answer to both.

No way not in this case. Taking drugs and then deliberately getting behind the wheel of a car?

People seem to be assuming the mother is a lovely lady and will be a great mother without the OPs son in the picture. I am a lot more sceptical given the kind of person she was having a relationship with and I would want to look out for my grandchild if that’s the case.

How long will your son be inside for OP? That would be a factor in what I did next but I think you need to talk to him about it, if he doesn’t know and finds out you did it could destroy your relationship.

Actually thinking more. As much as you might want to be involved I’d stay away.

Im sure if she wanted him to know he would know that she was even pregnant in the first place.

Cant say id blame her for keeping hush to a drug taking joy riding now inmate.

Id be denying till I was blue in the face that he was my babies dad.

If he won’t engage with help he is highly like to keep making these poor choices. Be back on the drugs within a few weeks and making reckless decisions again.

A baby has been the cause of many many people turning their lives around men and women, sometimes immediately, sometimes later. It's far from a guarantee or an ideal situation, but it does happen including kicking drugs, staying sober, accepting help for mental health, taking the meds, getting into work or training.

He can provide support by doing what needs or be done. Support is not just money. Though again it could be if it resulted him going into work. The support can also be from the GP on behalf of the DS while he gets himself sorted or if he doesn't

There is nothing in the OPs posts that suggests that her DS is violent or the mother may be afraid of him. But that is something she can find out.

As a side note ketamine is not an addictive drug in the sense that heroin or crack are. It is combined with self-harm and the offences deceived a pattern of compulsive self destructive and harming behaviour. It's not irredeemable. I know people who have recovered from exactly these behaviours and gone to have families and are dedicated parents who provide for their children.

If it was my DD it would of course not be what I would want for her, just as I would not want for my son (to have these issues or have a baby with someone with these issues). But if the situation was salvageable I would hope it would be salvaged as best as possible, which to me is to have two loving, nurturing, providing and healthy parents. And that I could help be part of that

So it’s worth making the decision that might riak the mother and child on the off chance? There’s clearly a reason why she’s not asking for support.

The OP has blamed herself and others (bad crowd) for her son’s conduct and minimises it by saying he has made bad decisions.

I’m sure she will swear he would never be violent. He may not be but a mother who can’t see her son at fault really isn’t in a position to decide on behalf of the mother of the baby what happens next.

I think you should offer to support the child where possible for you but I think they may be better off without the dad in his life.

I genuinely hope OP can leave this and concentrate on her son and making him face up to the fact he was responsible for what he did. Then hopefully he can eventually have a fulfilling life.

But she’s not doing anyone any favours by her reluctance to see the situation clearly.

It actually sounds like something that would have been on Jeremy Kyle back in the day

Your son has so many issues that acknowledging this baby (which might not be his) is not going to help him or you at all at the moment. It would be different if the mum was looking for input from him and the extended family but she isn't. Your son is your priority, if you want to help anyone. I have no idea how you get ADHD/Autism assessments in prison but I'd be researching that if I was in your shoes. ADHD medication and coaching really helps most people, including those who have self medicated with drugs. Once your son is in a position to actively support a child he can pursue DNA checks and contact himself if he wishes. Until then, difficult as it may be, do not contact the baby's mum/family.

I completely agree @VanCleefArpels .
Stay out of it.

I have limitless support to give.
Maybe OP's son has addictions?
Maybe not.
I am referring to the support required to minimise the risk of re offending which should be a tailored approach

Spot on! Your son sounds like bad news OP - yes he’s your son and you’re entitled to advocate for your boy but I can see why the mother of his child hasn’t reached out. If she does go through official channels to contact your son then you can start to get involved. Until then just try and support your son and try to get him to find hissed back to being a meaningful member of society when he returns from prison.

What about the risk to the mother and child? Can you use your apparently limitless empathy and support to see why this could have a tragic end

Poster was referring to OP

Only if the mother agrees.

Why is why I suggested she contact the mother to gage the situation before telling her son.

Equally the child could be at risk from the mother. Know one knows.

But if it was my GC I would want to find out if the child was my GC, if and how I could help, and ascertain if, when or how it may be suitable for my son to be part of the child's life, and if the child was at risk. And yes if need be I would foster or adopt and take on all care.

How objective do you think the OP sounds? She’s constantly minimised her son’s behaviour so of course she is going to think it will be fine.

This situation is nothing to do with her right now.

This

Plus the last sentence sounds like you want to take the child, although it probably wasn’t intended as such.

The mother hasn’t contacted OP or her son. She has a three month old baby. That’s all there is to it. She is entitled to decide that she doesn’t want contact with the potential father or grandmother.

Its safe to assume the child’s mother is in the best position to decide who is in her child’s life

Also the OP sounds unlikely to be able to keep it from her son as she sees him as a victim of all this .

im not making excuses for him, im just saying how it is and giving the full picture

i did try to get him help years ago when he was self harming and struggling with his adhd, i pushed for an autism assessment as well but never managed to get one for him. i didnt just ignore it or hope it would go away

he has made his own choices, i know that, but he has also been through a lot. his dad died when he was 10 and that is when things really started to go wrong for him. i did get him and his siblings support at the time but it hit him the hardest by far and things just seemed to get worse the older he got

i do believe he has mh issues but he refuses help and refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem which makes it very hard to do anything

when i visit him now he barely engages, mostly one word answers or just shrugs, so trying to have any kind of proper conversation is difficult as it is which is another reason im unsure about dropping something like this on him out of nowhere

Wait, nobody is saying we know your son is evil.....people give suggestion to test everything first and prove it correct before contacting the mother or offering gifts, childcare, housing her etc

Repeatedly.