Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

251 replies

0tiredmumof3 · Today 14:10

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Bered · Today 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OriginalSkang · Today 14:14

I would want something to do with my grandchild and would try to contact the mother to see how she felt about the idea. I wouldn't push it at this point if she wasn't in to it. Do you have a way of getting in touch with her? Could you find out from her if your son knows?

TheFarmatLittletown · Today 14:15

How did you find out?
Can you contact the Mother and offer her some support, being it that she's a new Mum on her own with a baby, and that way you can have a relationship with your grandchild?

LittleMissClutter · Today 14:16

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby

How did you find out?

TomatoSandwiches · Today 14:16

How do you know this baby actually is his child though op?

outerspacepotato · Today 14:16

Confirmation via professional DNA testing before anything else.

Not a home test.

Secretseverywhere · Today 14:17

I’d probably reach out to the mother and offer whatever support you are able to give financial, time, emotional. Then Id follow her lead regarding whether or not your son knows. It’d have to have been pretty bad for her not to have told him surely?

Tableforjoan · Today 14:18

Well firstly you’d need your son to do a dna test not sure how easy that is when he is in prison however.

OneNewEagle · Today 14:19

How did you find out? And why did the person tell you?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Today 14:20

You can't be sure that he's the father.
He needs to do a DNA test.
Mind you, his DNA is already on the police database but I don't think they let random people have access to it.

Tillow4ever · Today 14:25

Ah Yes op, prisons are famously known for only housing people who aren’t “bad lads” at all.

I think you need to take off the rose coloured spectacles - you aren’t helping him by excusing him for everything he’s done.

Re the baby - how did you find out? I presume the dates line up with when he wasn’t incarcerated? I would certainly advise a DNA test to confirm paternity, then I would tell him this is his wake up call - he’s a father now, he’s got another life to consider. He needs to shape up and step up. If he turns out not to be his, I’d still use it as a wake up call and point out it could have been and maybe they’ll be another baby in the future that is his if he doesn’t turn his life around.

I would offer support to the mother in my son’s absence in your position. That said, she may not want it if she sees that your own child is in prison and you make excuses for him and his behaviour - she may judge your parenting skills (rightly or wrongly) and not want you in the babies life.

anxiousbiscuit99 · Today 14:31

You would need a DNA first to confirm. It wouldn’t be the first time someone’s tried this!

rbe78 · Today 14:31

I would definitely want to know that my grandchild was ok, and if the mother needed any support (monetary or otherwise) in the absence of the father of her child. Whether she wants you to have any access to the baby is her choice though.

Original poster
0tiredmumof3 · Today 14:33

it actually came from the mum of one of his old friends. they were close at school but not so much anymore, have drifted a bit. im not especially close to her either, more just know each other from years of standing around at pick up and the odd chat since

she got in touch out of the blue and said she thought i should know. apparently her son mentioned it to her and thats how it’s come about. i know people will say its all a bit chinese whispers but i dont really see any reason for his friend to make something like that up, especially something this big

i havent had anything directly from the baby's mum or her family at all which is part of why i feel a bit unsure what to do next if im honest

and just to say again, i know how it probably sounds with him being in prison etc but he really isnt a bad person, just makes terrible decisions and always has struggle

OP posts:
Credittocress · Today 14:44

I think you should write to the mum and give her your contact details and say you had heard, wasn’t sure if it were true but if it is then you are happy to provide whatever financial or practical support she wishes. Add that you haven’t spoken to your son and won’t without her permission.

It may well be your son doesn’t know and I wouldn’t put a new mother in the worrying situation of having to manage an ex in prison.

bridgetreilly · Today 14:46

0tiredmumof3 · Today 14:33

it actually came from the mum of one of his old friends. they were close at school but not so much anymore, have drifted a bit. im not especially close to her either, more just know each other from years of standing around at pick up and the odd chat since

she got in touch out of the blue and said she thought i should know. apparently her son mentioned it to her and thats how it’s come about. i know people will say its all a bit chinese whispers but i dont really see any reason for his friend to make something like that up, especially something this big

i havent had anything directly from the baby's mum or her family at all which is part of why i feel a bit unsure what to do next if im honest

and just to say again, i know how it probably sounds with him being in prison etc but he really isnt a bad person, just makes terrible decisions and always has struggle

Honestly, the reason to make it up is for the actual father to get out of taking responsibility while your son can’t do anything to deny it.

It’s all a mess, but right now I would do nothing until your son is out and they can do a proper paternity test to be sure.

Temp2024 · Today 14:47

Please please reach out to the mum. My daughters’ dad is useless but it’s always made my eldest so sad that his mum, sister, etc don’t wanna know her. Keep it about her and baby though and not your son. (Also wouldnt offer financial assistance yet)

AllLights · Today 14:47

Credittocress · Today 14:44

I think you should write to the mum and give her your contact details and say you had heard, wasn’t sure if it were true but if it is then you are happy to provide whatever financial or practical support she wishes. Add that you haven’t spoken to your son and won’t without her permission.

It may well be your son doesn’t know and I wouldn’t put a new mother in the worrying situation of having to manage an ex in prison.

I think this is best but I would want proof the child is my GC.

I would question whether your son would bring anything positive to this child’s life? Drugs, bad decisions, he’s in prison etc. But I’d also wonder about the mother. Most women, especially older ones, wouldn’t be interested in men like your son, so there is a chance she is as unstable and the child may be in a bad situation.

Allseeingallknowing · Today 14:50

Secretseverywhere · Today 14:17

I’d probably reach out to the mother and offer whatever support you are able to give financial, time, emotional. Then Id follow her lead regarding whether or not your son knows. It’d have to have been pretty bad for her not to have told him surely?

As others have said, don’t offer financial support until you are sure he’s the father!

Credittocress · Today 14:56

Allseeingallknowing · Today 14:50

As others have said, don’t offer financial support until you are sure he’s the father!

Show quote history

I think there is a trade off here. The mother hasn’t reached out, she hasn’t asked for anything, she hasn’t claimed any entitlement. If the OP contacts her out of the blue and starts off by asking for a paternity test she may well be told where to go.

The mother seems to not want to do anything with the son, she may well be scared of his involvement given how chaotic he seems.

I think contacting a mum out of the blue who is trying to cope with a 3 month old and starting off talking about DNA testing is likely to end badly.

If the mum had contacted the OP asking for money, then that’s different.

MayaPinion · Today 14:56

I wouldn’t be offering financial or other support without a DNA test. Say you’d heard on the grapevine that your DS has fathered a child, and subject to a DNA test proving paternity, you would like to be involved in the child’s life, including providing support. I also know, that if it was my DD in her position, I would be wary of her staying involved with someone who was in prison (for drug offences?) especially when his own mum admits he’s a druggie who makes bad decisions.

Sassylovesbooks · Today 14:57

I definitely wouldn't be telling your son. If you know where the woman lives or can find out, I'd put a note through the door. Tell her that you've been told your son is the Dad to her baby. Ask for confirmation. Say that if she needs any practical help, to get in touch and that you'd like a relationship with your grandchild. Tell her you haven't told your son regarding the baby, as you weren't sure if he knew and you didn't want to tell him, without her permission. Leave your contact details.

The ball is then in her court. It's up to her what she decides to do, and you will have to respect her decision. It's not your place to tell your son, especially whilst he's in prison and definitely not without the woman's permission.

You have no idea what your son's relationship was like with this woman. Given how you've presented your son on this thread, then I'd say the relationship was probably toxic, chaotic and not good. Your grandchild needs a loving, secure, stable home life, and your son can't provide that.

Villanellesproudmum · Today 14:59

How do you think your son will react?

Will he grow up and bring positivity, financial support to the mother and child and want to be involved or will he continue to behave as he is and not be accountable and bring nothing but problems to the child.

pouletvous · Today 15:00

Kindly…:is this the best thing for the baby? There is obviously a reason this women didnt tell you or your son that she was pregnant

Snowhailrainsun · Today 15:02

Stay well out of it unless the mum contacts you or your son directly.

Given what you’ve said here, she may want nothing to do with any of it. Leave her alone.

You have no idea what is true or not, and people love to gossip. If your son has changed when he’s released and then gets involved, that’s his own business.

I would do nothing at all without a dna test.