just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

You sound like a caring person, and while some people might have a go at you, there are some great parents whose kids have problems, and some absolutely awful parents whose kids end up doing really well. Some people have one kid who has a perfect life, while the other is always in trouble. So all you can do now is move forward, and I would try talking to your son. You could maybe think about writing a letter to the mum of his child, so she can take her time reading and not feel put on the spot.

Was your son in a steady relationship or was it a one off sleeping with the person?
Your son doesn’t sound like someone I’d want around my daughters baby even if he was the dad
It sounds like your son has a lot of growing up to do

She doesn’t know anything about the ‘relationship ‘ apparently.

You can’t operate based on hearsay.

Honestly I’d stay well clear. The child’s mother would approach you if she wanted a connection.

As for your view of your son, I understand why you are an apologist for him but he is the constant factor here, not the wrong crowd or bad choices. Him.

That is not my view. My view is that courts will allow supervised contact if he shows willing, so people should stop saying it's only down to the mother.

There is absolutely nothing suggest here that he is a domestic abuser - and I don't think babies should be used to rehabilitate parents, so you're being disingenuous taking that from my comments. I meant that may kick start him wanting to work on himself and thought that was quite clear. The best outcome is two stable parents. Failing that, one stable parent.

I've also said the mother also needs support, she sounds vulnerable because of the bad decisions she's also made, so that means the baby is vulnerable.

But again, the question was whether to tell the son. YES. It's never going to go away. The grandmother has heard from someone who heard someone else who will then have told someone else...this secret isn't going to go away and I absolutely would be telling my son otherwise that's another relationship breakdown.

The right thing to do here is what’s best for the baby. If the mother has concerns, if some of his bad decisions involved abuse and violence, or she thinks he can’t not have drugs and be on drugs even if he’s with his baby, then you support that even if it means not telling him. I’d reach out to the mum, nothing could stop me doing that.