just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

You sound like a caring person, and while some people might have a go at you, there are some great parents whose kids have problems, and some absolutely awful parents whose kids end up doing really well. Some people have one kid who has a perfect life, while the other is always in trouble. So all you can do now is move forward, and I would try talking to your son. You could maybe think about writing a letter to the mum of his child, so she can take her time reading and not feel put on the spot.

Was your son in a steady relationship or was it a one off sleeping with the person?
Your son doesn’t sound like someone I’d want around my daughters baby even if he was the dad
It sounds like your son has a lot of growing up to do

She doesn’t know anything about the ‘relationship ‘ apparently.

You can’t operate based on hearsay.

Honestly I’d stay well clear. The child’s mother would approach you if she wanted a connection.

As for your view of your son, I understand why you are an apologist for him but he is the constant factor here, not the wrong crowd or bad choices. Him.

That is not my view. My view is that courts will allow supervised contact if he shows willing, so people should stop saying it's only down to the mother.

There is absolutely nothing suggest here that he is a domestic abuser - and I don't think babies should be used to rehabilitate parents, so you're being disingenuous taking that from my comments. I meant that may kick start him wanting to work on himself and thought that was quite clear. The best outcome is two stable parents. Failing that, one stable parent.

I've also said the mother also needs support, she sounds vulnerable because of the bad decisions she's also made, so that means the baby is vulnerable.

But again, the question was whether to tell the son. YES. It's never going to go away. The grandmother has heard from someone who heard someone else who will then have told someone else...this secret isn't going to go away and I absolutely would be telling my son otherwise that's another relationship breakdown.

The right thing to do here is what’s best for the baby. If the mother has concerns, if some of his bad decisions involved abuse and violence, or she thinks he can’t not have drugs and be on drugs even if he’s with his baby, then you support that even if it means not telling him. I’d reach out to the mum, nothing could stop me doing that.

Even though she clearly doesn’t want contact, or she would have initiated it? Even though you could cause untold trouble without knowing any facts?

Do you honestly think the OP would accept her concerns?

If none of his “friends” have been to visit him in prison/ written to him/ maintained contact with him in prison to relay this information… that tells you all you need to know.

If they have but he’s chosen not to tell you… that tells you all you need to know.

I think your bias is showing. All you know about this woman is that she became pregnant by this man and chose to continue with the pregnancy. This could have happened as a result of an inadequately protected ONS, which while not ideal, is hardly behaviour confined to vulnerable women.
Whether the decision to proceed with the pregnancy was 'bad' is entirely subjective and based on your values, which may not be hers.
Certainly the choice not to share the news with the OPs son if he's the father seems a sensible one and indicates a commitment to what's best for the child and to independence.
The OP believes her to be 'older' and there hasn't been the slightest suggestion she is struggling outside of your imagination.
Yet from this you confidently assert she "needs support. She sounds vulnerable because of the bad decisions she's made..." which even if this were the case, why assume she isn't getting it, and more pertinently why you think this troubled young man is best placed to offer it from HMP?
I'm not disputing the courts may allow supervised contact. But third hand gossip is a very long way from that.
The OP herself, despite her obvious and understandable wish to be involved with a possible grandchild isn't convinced its the right thing in these circumstances, and for sound reasons. There is nothing whatsoever to be gained by telling him now, other than not feeling bad about withholding gossip.
Sometimes as mature responsible adults we have to make choices we're not personally comfortable with for the good of others.
Sometines its good to remember that men's 'rights' do not need to be front and centre all the time and women and children matter too.

Guys, you don't need the son to know about the baby or provide a sample for a DNA test - the OP is the baby's biological grandmother if the baby is his, so they can at least see if she is a close match to it. If her husband is also available to be tested, even better.

Paternity testing works by getting a reading for certain points of the baby's DNA and the same points on the mother's and that of any potential fathers. You subtract the parts of the baby which the mother has (as the baby could have got them from her) and anything left must have come from the father. That is why you can use paternity testing to say that someone is not the father (if they couldn't provide everything left over) but you can't say they 100% are (because there hypothetically might be another man out there who is exactly the same at all those points - although if you sample enough points it does become vanishingly unlikely excluding twins etc). Everything from the baby must be accounted for in at least one of the mum, the OP and the OP's son's father (presumably her husband) if the OP's son is the father - the three of them and the baby could be run together to test that if you contacted the company and explained.

If the mother wanted you to be involved, she would have contacted you.

Respect her decision to keep her baby away from your imprisoned son.

All that depends on the mother wanting to do it not the grandmother.

Of course - you won't get to swab the baby or the mother without the mother being agreeable. This was in response to people thinking that DNA was out of the question without informing and swabbing the potential father.

Tread carefully OP, even the title of your thread is factually incorrect.

just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

You don’t even know this to be true.

But its not the OP's place to instigate this. It should come from the mother if she wants it and she has shown no sign of that yet.

Firstly, OP, I understand what you say about him not being a bad lad. I think others don’t understand because they don’t understand severe ADHD. It’s not an excuse but it does give some explanation as to how his brain makes poor decisions which lead to getting into drugs and driving cars uninsured and not knowing how to steer clear of trouble and make good decisions.

how do you know he doesn’t already know about the baby and chosen not to tell you?

I think you need to contact him and ask to contact the mother and then try to form a bond with them all. Maybe the mother needs support? Do you think it’s your job to help as a grandmother? I do. Transparency is the only way forward to put the baby’s best interests at the forefront of everything.

I think you need to establish the facts before you go any further. Can your son's friend give specifics of who the mother is so you can get in contact with her? This could be a huge misunderstanding or unsubstantiated rumour.

I’m sorry OP but you ARE making excuses for him! You mention the friend who was part of the ‘wrong crowd’. Why is your son not that crowd? You’re judging others as being wrong but your son as ‘not a bad lad’. He’s in prison for criminal behaviour. Driving under the influence of drugs is endangering the life of ANYONE on the road or pavement. Honestly if you were to consider having any form of relationship with the baby or the baby’s mother (whose age is irrelevant btw and also seems to be being blamed by you) I would suggest you take a realistic look at your son. And who you’ve actually raised.

I'm sad at the lack of compassion on this thread. OP, I feel for all of you - you as the Mum of a child who isn't doing well and the worry that brings; your son with likely undiagnosed neurodivergent and mental health conditions that blight his life (prisons are full of people with issues like your son's); and the mum with a new baby, not having the family support that is so needed.

Go slowly with your decisions, you need time to process what's happened and think through what you want to do. Find some support for yourself, all of this sounds really hard. Good luck and best wishes.

Putting the baby’s best interests at the forefront of everything does not involve distracting a mum with a 3 month old baby with having to deal with a drug taking convict ex, who may start kicking off about wanting access or visits.

Can you talk to his friends mum about what was said. Try to get something from her

I have plenty of compassion - for the innocent baby and its mother who will be better off without the jailbird father by the sound if it.

Not much you can do about the baby at this point. Best to stay quiet and let the mum deal with it as you can't be 100% sure it is your son's and you can't contact her anyway. I would focus on your son. Start sending him regular letters just emphasising that you love him and that you will always be there for him whatever happens. Keep it light by including some chit chat about your life and just day to day stuff. Make regular visits and take him something home cooked that he might like if you can. Just keep showing that you care. If at some point he tells you about the child be positive and helpful. That's all.

Support the Mum and be a part of your grandchild's life.

Stop making excuses for your son. No good person ends up in prison because they're a 'Good lad'. You're not doing your son any favours. I am ND, as are my children. It is not a justification for his behaviour. Very many people will say the same thing when they are ND - Don't use it to justify criminal behaviour. Tell him he has a child and use that fact to force him into getting his act together.

If it is his child- that has to be established.