just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

Wow

Multiple offender of driving while high even after being banned from driving because he was caught driving while high, carrying drugs and without insurance is lucky he didn't kill someone. ( @MsGreying this is why he's in prison)

Your need to give this criminal non judgemental support is yours, where is your support for the innocent victims of people just like @0tiredmumof3's son?

@0tiredmumof3 You haven't found out your incarcerated son is a father. You have heard a rumour that a woman, whom you do not know, whom he may have been involved with a year ago, has a baby. That's it. She hasn't contacted him. She may have been involved with other men. She may never have been involved with your son. It's none of your business. It's gossip.

There may be many ADHD young men in prison but most people with ADHD and/or autism are not criminals.

@0tiredmumof3 what sentence did he get OP? Do you know when he’ll be released? Also, do you visit him in prison?

I would approach this cautiously. Don’t actively go looking for the ‘girlfriend’. If she wants to find you or contact you, I’m sure she’ll find a way.

I would wait until your son is released, has a plan to get mental health and rehabilitation support, then you can discuss the potential child and get a DNA test. Then you go from there.

There but for the grace of God goes my DS.

I understand 💐

How does the friends son know ?

I think you need to speak to him first and get facts

is he guessing it’s your sons as were together a year ago

or he actually knows

if your son went to Prison Nov she would have been 6mths ish so showing and surely if she wanted your son to be involved would have told him ot he would had known /seen her preg

how long does your son have to be in prison ?

As I said, I hope nobody ever comes to you for empathetic, non judgemental support

There’s a huge difference between not being perfect and being someone who puts the lives of others at risk through his actions.

The constant excusing of his actions won’t do him any favours and actually it’s not fair for the child and its mother to be taken into that environment. It seems like even if he had been violent, OP would still stand by him.

I could never keep something like that from my son's, and I don't think they would forgive me if I did.

This potential grandchild deserves as much loving family as they can get. The son is separate and I understand that given he is in prison then he'll need to prove himself as someone who has reformed and isn't going to get in to trouble with the police again.

@0tiredmumof3 definitely tell your son and find out if this is true for everyone's sake.

I feel for you OP. A possible grandchild could be a lovely thing.

Firstly, stop denying your sons criminality - he’s not a bad lad etc .. well yes he is. He took drugs, he drove while under the influence, he did it again whilst under bail conditions not to - these are all choices he made - if he had caused an accident, damaged property, injured someone or worse killed them, would that make you see him for what he is? You’re massively side swiping his criminality, please stop.

Going forward, I would tell him you’ve heard something and you have no idea how true it is or not, then tell him. At this stage you don’t actually know anything for definite. Let him decide what to do next, it is up to him after all.

A dna test can tell you if you are related enough to be the grandparent, without involving your son’s DNA. But i think you should tell him, he’ll know if its likely true and if people are talking he’ll find out eventually

I would rather save my support for people who have lost loved ones through drug driving than someone who chooses repeadetly to get behind the wheel of a car under the influence of drugs. What support do you think he needs? "There there don't do it again"? He obviously has done it over and over with no regard for other people's safety.

It shouldn’t be up to either of them. The only one with a say is the mother of child.

If this is pursued then it’s possible for her and her child’s lives to be wrecked - and that’s not hyperbole, it’s not outside of the bounds of possibility that, from her point of view, she doesn’t want a criminal with drug issues (or his mother who minimises his issues) around her son. You don’t know even if he has been violent.

That may be unfair but the possibility of this turning out well is tiny. The chances of messing up everyone involved are much more likely.

Please stop sticking up for him. I know he is your son but genuinely good people don't go to prison.
He is an adult.

Opening a can of worms for someone who is clearly not coping in prison?

Firstly, you can't keep this a secret for everyone, but can for a while. Keeping it forever will destroy you with anxiety, and of he found it in a few years and found out you knew, it would destroy your relationship with him.

So, you need to accept that at some point you will tell him. He's in a vulnerable position right now so the best time would be when he's out of prison and you can support him. While there is a risk that some else tells him first, you can deal with that in the unlikely event that happens.
When will he be released?

Second, no you shouldn't approach the mum. Wait until after you've told your son and discuss with him what the right thing to do is. The right thing is to step up and support the mum and baby in a appropriate way.
Only approach the subject of DNA test once a reasonable rapport has been reached with the mum.

Third, you've got this! The fact you care so much means the right thing will happen when the time is right.

Good luck!

It's really easy not to go to prison though. Me and my whole family have never been. Easy as that.

It’s not for her to do this. People don’t keep information like this to themselves for fun. If the mother perceives he is a danger to her, then that is more important than your desire to be a grandmother/

For those saying she should contact her son or the child‘s mother, would you feel the same if it was your daughter who had the child with someone with drug issues?

I would want to be able to help with and have a relationship with my GC and the mother of my GC. More so if my DS, the father, was unable or unwilling to. I'd also slightly selfishly maybe hope it could be the thing that could turn my DS around if he was in that situation.

What to do? I'd likely try to get in touch with the mum and try to feel out if and how welcome I am, expecting to need to earn my place in their lifes if I am but also sussing out how confident I am that my DS was the father, if he's wanted in their lives, and how positive or negative it would to tell him, how and when.

For example "I've found out so and so has had a baby and I've been helping out as so and so said it was yours and she confirmed. They're both doing really well. You don't have to but when you're ready I think she'd really appreciate a call" is potentially a lot better then "you've got a baby, I have no idea how it's doing except the mum wants nothing to do with you"

Which is why I think everyone should stay out of it.

And you are right. Staying out of prison is a piece of piss!

He is a bad lad right now and he’s on a dangerous and self destructive path. No one is all bad and you can love your son but you need to see this and not make excuses- neurodivergence is one aspect only.

He’s an adult, treat him like one, show him you have high expectations to use his time in prison to access support. Of course tell him you know about his baby - I’m sure he knows already but if he doesn’t, he needs to start thinking about what he can offer his child beyond heartache.

Reach out to the mum and offer financial support - but nappies or clothes or do something.

He has a drug issue and apparently is easily led. He’s self harming apparently.

How would that turn him round? How would he be able to support the child? What if she is scared of him.

As I said I bet people would change their minds it was their daughter

As long as OP is happy to take responsibility for any fallout or harm that comes from getting involved, then fine.

There but for the grace of God etc

Of course it should be up to him to find out if he’s a father! Whether she likes it or not, this woman chose to be with him at some point, chose to get pregnant, chose to keep the baby. HIS baby. Let’s assume for now it’s his. He has the right to be a father, no matter what he’s done - the law also agrees with this.