just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

i wouod first go back to the person who told you this story to get more detail and verification if possible. First hand instead of second hand. Talk to her son directly. Find out, if you can, exactly how certain he is of his facts and if your DS already knows.

Then, in order to gauge how your DS might react to you knowing this news, why not visit him in prison as a starter, to find out how he is faring with his mental health. Encourage him to keep his head down, to work hard, to stay out of trouble and to cooperate with the authorities. Tell him you love him and will always support him if he can prove that his drug problem is at ieast managed.

if you feel he is able to accept such news without being adversely affected then you could get in touch with the mother to find out her take on the situation. It isn’t worth telling your son anything until you have some verification from her.
She could deny he’s the father, or tell you he already knows.
She could be amenable to help and support from you or tell you she wants nothing to do with your son and his family.
She could be married or in along term relationship or refuse to see you and slam the door in your face.

Be guided by the further information you glean by going back to the source of it and asking questions directly.
Then be guided by how well your son is doing in prison.
And finally, be guided by the mother’s response.
You can’t possibly make a decision until you have gathered all that intel and thought very carefully about it.

It isn’t your job to talk about DNA tests.
As much as you may want a relationship with this baby, I’m afraid that just isn’t your call at this stage.

This must be a terrible shock to you. I hope you get clarity and I wish you well.

Well, no, it's not. If he is proven to be the child's father then he can request parental responsibility in court. The child has a right to know their father. How much contact he should have is a matter for the courts to decide. There's not enough information given here to suggest that he's unsafe enough to have zero involvement.

It’s entirely understandable that there should be a DNA test!

Your ex would likely be an asshole whether he was autistic or not.

I wish people would STOP conflating nastiness and abusive behaviour with being autistic. It’s so bloody offensive.

If you want a relationship with your grandchild you need to play the long game. If the mother doesn't want him to know there will be a reason for that. She may change her mind in future, who knows, but this is her child so her rules.

I would be inclined to reach out very gently and offer support initially. Tell her you've heard the rumour, that you havent said anything to your son and wouldn't do so without her blessing. Tell her you would love to meet her and baby, even if initially over Teams or Zoom. Build a genuine relationship where she can trust you.

It is worth remembering that prisons are famously known for housing a disproportionally high number of inmates with disabilities and mental illness, that support for young people and adults with such diagnoses often falls far short of what is required and often comes too late, and that people with ADHD are statistically much more likely to be excluded from school and to end up in the criminal justice system.

the babys mum wont know me if i dont know her, she doesnt know where i live or anything so she cant get in contact even if she wanted to. all i know is shes older than him, thats literally it

the friend who told his mum wasnt involved in any of the drugs or that side of things so i dont actually know how he knows, which i get probably sounds odd but thats all ive got to go on at the moment

one of the things really playing on my mind is how ds would react if he does find out at some point and then realises i knew all along and didnt say anything. i dont want to make things worse for him but i also dont want to completely break his trust either

timing wise the baby is 3 months so would have been conceived about a year ago now, and he wasnt in prison then so it is possible. for context (not making excuses just explaining) he had a number of offences, driving under the influence of drugs, failure to stop and not cooperating with the police. he was bailed and one of the conditions was that he couldnt drive while they investigated properly

while on bail he was then caught driving a “friends” car (someone from the wrong crowd if im honest) so no insurance plus hed broken bail conditions, and he had drugs on him as well. thats what ended up with him being jailed in november

i know how it all sounds written down like that but he isnt a bad person. i genuinely believe a lot of it was him self medicating with the drugs because he just wasnt coping

hes obviously off them now and thats another reason im so worried about him. a few weeks ago he had minor injuries from hitting his head against a wall which really shook me up. ive spoken to the prison about my concerns and theyve said they will “monitor” him but there isnt a lot they can do if he wont engage with mh support

so adding this on top just feels like a lot and i honestly dont know what the least worst option is anymore

I would question whether your son would bring anything positive to this child’s life? Drugs, bad decisions, he’s in prison etc. But I’d also wonder about the mother. Most women, especially older ones, wouldn’t be interested in men like your son, so there is a chance she is as unstable and the child may be in a bad situation.
this is exactly what I was going to say. There is a chance that the mother is into the same 'scene' as your son and would possibly be unable to look after the child properly. That would bother me hugely and I would have to try to find out then situation to keep a close eye on my grandchild,

Is there any need for this comment, OP has asked opinions on what she should do as she’s just been told she might be a nan! FFS honestly don’t comment if you can’t comment anything nice or helpful 🙄

The least worst option is to stay out of it. You actually know nothing, all you've heard is a rumour from another person who is totally unconnected with it.

If the mother wanted your son to know she could presumably contact him at the prison. You telling him about a rumour (which might not be true) could affect him badly in his fragile mental state. As for the mother she might have been living a chaotic life and having the baby was a wake up call to sort herself out. It happens. Don't bring more chaos into her life.

My opinion and my advice is to tell him, if he finds out you knew when he gets out then yes that trust will be broken 100% then that might make him go back to his old ways. At least while he is in prison he cannot access drugs, alcohol or make any silly decisions he will have time to think about it all but off course there needs to be a DNA test for sure to make sure he is the father and the only way to do that really is by him meaning he needs to know. It may be something he needs (without sounding bad and I know others will pipe up with what I’m about to say) responsibility, a reason to sort himself out by being a father getting the help he needs because now he has a child and that child now needs to be prioritised.

If I was him and you hadn’t told me that I had a child and then come out and found out I would be livid. I get your worried about his mental health but as I said he is watched in prison and there’s nothing he can get his hands on while in there and again he has time in there to process all this before he comes out?

Have you considered she may have a reason for not telling him or you? And even if he’s the father, it doesn’t mean she was his girlfriend.

If you do nothing then no harm done. If you start asking around/contacting her/telling him, you risk blowing a hole in her and her child’s life. If you can live happily with that possibility then crack on. The repercussions of this could be serious.

I am sure you will decide to contact her as you clearly want to know the child and most posters are egging you on but you don’t know her situation (he may have been violent for all you know (though I’m guessing you wouldn’t believe that as many mothers of sons have this odd blind spot to their faults). If she had wanted him/you to know, I’m sure she would have made contact.

If your son really isn’t a bad lad then he needs to concentrate of sorting his life out when he’s released and this is an unnecessary complication

I think the OP is in denial completely. So comments expressing your opinion of someone who drives under the influence of drugs is well needed. If someone you loved had been killed by a driver under the influence of drugs I'm sure you would feel completely different

He’s already apparently been in minor injuries for hitting his head against a wall. I can’t see a scenario where anyone comes out of this in a better situation than they are now

If I were you, I'd leave things be.
All you have at this point is a third hand account. The baby's mother hasn't reached out to you, and your son hasn't mentioned the child, so I think as far as you're concerned you'd be better off not thinking there's a role for you until you're told otherwise.
From the mum's point of view, she may have decided her baby would be better off without your son in its life, which is hard for you to accept perhaps, but understandable nonetheless as an unreliable troubled dad can be worse than none at all. So I think sharing this hearsay with your son could do harm to others as well as to him.
I'd personally carry on as normal for now. Concentrate on supporting your son to repair his life and prepare for his future. This news, if true, isn't going anywhere and will keep.

Yes and I get that.

OP is asking advice about something else completely not about whether he’s this and that because of the mistakes he has made. She’s asking for advice on a completely different matter.

Exactly - that’s more than just a ‘bad decision’. And I have dated some ‘bad lads’ but she has every right not to want someone who does that in her life.

Well that’s just my opinion as OP asked for advice. Nobody really knows what should be done here we are just all giving different scenarios and opinions on the matter.

It’s relevant though. All OP knows is that her son has broken the law, she feels it isn’t his fault and she has heard gossip about a possible child. He has a drug problem and has self harmed while in prison.

If nothing else this puts even more pressure on him.

I really feel for you 💐

It’s a fact that prisons have a lot of ADHD men who have never had proper support and medication, and they often suffer with very compulsive behaviour and self medicate with drugs. I believe everything you say about him, and I hope that when he comes out he will get a diagnosis and the support he needs.

It’s hard to say as it’s your DS and only you know how it might affect him. If he was my own DS I would visit him and tell him.

I personally don’t see how any decent woman would want to stop a grandmother from seeing their grandchild, but I would obviously tread carefully with that, as I’m sure you will too.

Wishing you all the best of luck ❤️

so adding this on top just feels like a lot and i honestly dont know what the least worst option is anymore

You can’t possibly know what to do until you gather more facts upon which to make a proper, well thought out decision.

You need more info directly from his old mate who told his mum who told you.
Make arrangements to meet up with him. Face to face. How sure is he?

You need to go and personally see how your son is coping mentally and emotionally before you dream of telling him anything. Make arrangements for a visit asap.

You need to find out the mother’s take on what you have been told. She could deny it or verify it …you have no idea if this story is even true. When you have more info, find out from your DS’s old mate who she is and where she lives ready to make contact if necessary.

You are in a great deal of shock right now.
But you will eventually have to act -to arm yourself with much better, reliable facts to inform yourself.

Tough one. I think if she wanted him to know about the baby, she’d have contacted him? I suppose she may well have done and he might have opted to ignore her and not tell you. If you want something to do with the baby, you should try and reach out to her if you can find any contact details at all. That way at least she can confirm or deny the rumour first and foremost. I’m not judging your DS OP, young people mess up constantly. We all make mistakes. I hope he’s getting correct support in prison to ensure he doesn’t return.

Okay but I think many people are just thinking how lovely it will be for the OP, the child’s mother and the child.

This is a situation that could go horribly wrong for the mother and her child. It’s only right that the OP understands that before she makes a decision.

But you can't just look at one thing in isolation in situations like this from everything else I feel? Tne fact is he is in prison is relevant and this has to be taken into account surely in understanding the whole situation?
I don't have the answer but the fact the OP just repeadetly says "he's not a bad boy" doesn't really help either.

hmmmm it’s a tricky one for sure. I do feel for the OP. Lots of things have to be taken into consideration.