just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

what's he in for - how can we even know hes 'not a bad lad' - did he murder someone? or steal a pack of ciggs from a shop?

how do you know he's a dad?

I would start by asking your friend more about the mother.

If she was in a relationship with your son it's likely she has her own issues / chaotic lifestyle and if your son is inside for what I think he is and is vulnerable I would have lots of questions about the nature of their relationship and whether transactional / one using the other.

Depending on how stable the mother is I would then think hard about either approaching her directly (if stable and no concerns) or through children's services to make them aware of the situation, who the child's dad is, your potential relationship and any support you might want to offer.

This 100% and there is nothing to tell as you have no idea if it's the truth.

If you've never met the mother and can't be sure the baby is his I think it would be very unwise to tell him while he's in prison. You have no way of knowing the effect this might have on him ...and possibly without need if it turns out the baby isn't his. I would possibly try to contact the mother but even that could be problematical if she doesn't want to be contacted. Could you speak to your son's friend to find out if he's sure and if so how? Did the mother or your son tell him or is the baby's paternity just hearsay amongst the friend group. How long will your son be in prison op? This might impact what you do next
💐

That is no consolation to his victims you saying he's not a bad lad?
Would you like that bring said if you were a victim of someone's crime.

I can’t see how the OP can be sure of paternity before speaking to her son.

Why would Children's Services be interested based on what the OP has said? The woman might be managing quite nicely with support from her family for all we know. The fact that the father is in prison is nothing to do with them.

Stay out of it.

You might blow something wide open when the baby’s mother has decided to bring up the baby alone without input from your imprisoned son. She might not want him or you turning up on her doorstep.

She might want nothing at all to do with him ever again and you may cause a lot of issues if you get involved prematurely.

She might perceive you as interfering and, you only have it based on gossip that he is the father.

Your son will probably find out for himself after release. Maybe then you can get involved if mother is amenable and a DNA test is positive,

Agree with @Pipersgirl The facts are not clear. I can imagine you must be shocked and worried about this gossip but you don't know it's true. Both parents of the baby are in a mess. If the baby's mother hasn't made contact or asked for anything, she will have her reasons and may not welcome any interference. There is no need to do or say anything now that could just destabilise everyone when they are vulnerable, probably best to wait and see what, if anything happens

OP l would do nothing until he gets out of prison. You don’t even know if the baby is his so until he’s able to provide a DNA test it’s pointless telling him.

Same. For all you know he could've been violent or abusive to her. By you saying her age is throwing you off shows to me you're already looking for blame elsewhere.

Why on earth would you report this woman to social services when you have no clue even whether son is the actual father and know nothing of how she’s bringing up the child. Lots of groundless assumptions here.

I onow you love him and you say he isn't a bad lad but that he always makes bad decisions and he is in prison.

Presumably he is in proson because someone has suffered because of his decisions.

So, in the gentlest possible way, I think you should have a long hard think first about whether it's in the baby's best interest for him to be aware or involved in its life. I know that's hard to hear. I know you'll want to be a gran. But the best gift you can give that baby is stability and it sounds like the baby has that without your son.

No. NO support until there is a DNA test.

Didn’t ought to be here? That makes no grammatical sense.

You haven’t found out your lad has a baby.

Someone has said that he has. Which isn’t the same.

You don’t know there is any baby. You don’t know if there is that the father is your son.

The baby is three months old and how long has your son been in prison ?

They were probably locked up for their poor english skills, like OPs son

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 With all the other ‘good lads’

@0tiredmumof3 as your son is very troubled and has made poor life choices so far it’s likely his friends / girlfriends were of a similar mindset. I would be very careful about getting involved with the mum of this child and grandchild as you could be bringing potential trouble to your door, once again.

How long has your son got left on his sentence?
I personally would wait for him to be involved in their lives (if he chooses to once released) before I would get involved.

Why isn’t it grammatical? I’ve heard people say it, not so much these days, though.

I think you have to tell your son, he isn’t a baby he’s an adult man so you don’t have the right to keep it from him imo. He might even know it’s a possibility and just not have told you yet. Then take his lead in terms of contacting the mum etc? I think that’s what I would do anyway.

None of this makes sense? You are making a lot of presumptions on rumours and gossip @0tiredmumof3

Do not bring this woman and her child into this chaos.

Just a hunch based on the likely non violent reason for her DS being in prison, his chaos and drug use.

If friend says babys mum is just an ordinary woman who had a ONS and didn't realise OPs DSs issues then as I said in my post obviously don't report to anyone and babys mum might be glad of a supportive grandmother.

But, having know a lot of young men like OPs DS, many of whom father children. Often the babies mothers can be equally chaotic, troubled and not in a good place to care for children. Sometimes it takes a while for them to come on the radar for children's services by which time the kids have been exposed to a lot. A helping hand and early referral to children's services, if the friend discloses this sort of person, would be helpful to the baby long term so mum can be supported.

TL:DR would you expect a capable, responsible older woman to be attracted to a young, chaotic, drug taking, law breaking young man?

How is your boy doing in prison?
He is only young and on leaving prison he will get lots of support if he wants to engage.
I just wanted to empathise with you because good people do bad things and vice versa and he is still young.
My adult son of a similar age very narrowly escaped a custodial sentence last year.
It has been harrowing and exhausting but he really does seem to be improving.
Definitely contact the baby’s mum x