just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

I’d send a baby outfit and a letter saying that you’ve heard that the baby is your grandson and that if she agrees to DNA testing (can use your DNA) you’d be happy to help her etc and you haven’t mentioned to your son..

leave her alone.

if she wanted to reach out, she would.
maybe they weren’t in a relationship, maybe the baby isn’t even his.

maybe she doesn’t want involvement from someone who has broken the law.
it’s not exactly easy to be put in prison at the moment.

That’s putting too much pressure on her imo.

The father isn't involved with the baby at all at the moment he's in prison. The mother is probably better off without him but as the OP doesn't even know the mother on what grounds could she report her to social services. She doesn't even know if her son is the father. It's only a rumour so far.

This young woman has not asked for your involvement - it could be she’s scared of your son. If you really want to contact her tread carefully and use an intermediary you don’t know what their relationship was like. Insisting early doors on DNA could create a combative situation she could tell you to fuck right off

A child has a right to know who their dad is. Mother might want to do this alone but the child should be given some information

leave her alone.
if she wanted to reach out, she would.

That. She knows your son's friend, she presumably knows that his mother knows you, so has a route should she wish to tell you.

So it’s absolute hearsay.

1. tell your son
2. let him get a dna test
3. don’t offer help or money until you know for sure- why? To protect you and the baby from another mess, that’s why.

I agree 100%. Why on earth would you believe this? It might be total dross.

If the child's mother wanted him or you to know @0tiredmumof3 she would have knocked on your door and/or written to him in jail.

I wouldn't say a word to your son and I wouldn't contact her.
I would make some discreet enquiries.

I have several friends with children with ADHD and whilst they have never been any sort of trouble, they are all exceptionally bright, but have all had huge personality struggles with mental health, anxiety and, feelings of being overwhelmed.

It is an ongoing worry and a huge amount of private therapy and counselling has been involved at huge expense.

You have my sympathy OP.

So you’ve heard something third hand, the person involved - who you don’t know, have never met- has not told your son anything or if she has he clearly hasn’t shared it with you, for whatever reason. You have no idea what is the truth. Kindly, this is really none of your business unless and until any of the people involved ask you to make it your business.

We don’t know there is even a baby.
If that ‘message’ was even true.
If there is a baby we don’t know who the father is.
The baby assuming it exists is apparently three months old.

So, depending on when he went into prison might tell you if he could possibly be the father. If you work out the months.

Send her a card with a short note in.
Keep things at a distance until you know the details. You do need to speak to your son.

Until you know where everyone stands offer time and a listening ear over money and don't enter a child's life unless you know you are going to stay in a child's life.

Have an objective think about your son and the impact he has had on those around him too. Its hit a bit of a nerve with me today, I had a friend crying on my shoulder yesterday from PTSD due to incident that happen nearly 20 years ago by someone described as a "nice lad really" by his mother. You are his mum, you will have his back, always, but before you introduce him into a tiny babies life please look at him for a moment with the eyes of another person. Look at the person he is right now and not the child he was or the person you know he can be if he only sorted himself out.

Wise advice and my heart goes out to you OP.
A mixture of emotions with the love of your son at the heart of it.
And of course you want to get to know your grandchild who is your flesh and blood.
Imo, your son should know and in order to pave the way for a settled future, I agree it's best to contact the girl first.
Sending you strength OP
Take care

Sarcastic and unnecessary response..
Asking whether he had committed a crime when you know full well that he has.
Just what is the point of your post?
Not helpful in any way.

@0tiredmumof3 you don't need to do anything.

You have been told a rumour and that's it. You have no idea if the baby is even his so absolutely no point telling him.

If you want to do something then I suggest finding out who the mother is and getting a DNA test done. If it comes back positive then decide what to do.

This sounds very much like my best mates brother when his mum found out he had a kid and she played the doting grandmother while he served some time for drugs offences. A year and a DNA test later and he wasn't the dad after all. It would appear a lot if sex went on whilst high on drugs with multiple partners.

Irrelevant.

Because the OP is at pains to claim he’s a good lad.

Honestly until he gets out and gets himself clean I would do nothing .
maybe he has the potential to turn himself around or maybe he won't but until you have some idea or hope of him being clean I'd keep him away from a baby. Currently he has nothing to offer a child.

I’d keep well alone . If the mum wanted you to know she would have told you . Your son is not parent material and no role model for a child . Let the child grow up without the chaos of your son .

The daughter knows nothing about OP, how would she contact her?

How long is your son in prison for OP?

It’s awful how many posters are suggesting a DNA test. I highly doubt it’s Chinese whispers or a false claim. The dramatics here are wild.

OP stop treating your son with kid gloves, suggesting he’s too vulnerable to know he’s a father is crazy. In all likelihood he already knows, but hasn’t told you. Perhaps he thought you’d be upset with him or perhaps he’s in denial. Have an honest conversation and figure out a way to contact the mother to offer her a supportive relationship.

I would tell him. He won't appreiciate being kept in the dark.

"and just to say again, i know how it probably sounds with him being in prison etc but he really isnt a bad person, just makes terrible decisions and always has struggle"

This reminds me of my favourite quote from the last series I watched. Villain says to accomplice "We're not bad people, we just made bad decisions"... to which she says "I don't think there's a difference"

I hope you manage to sort this, OP. Agree with the tentative initial contact, no pressure, no talk about financial assistance - at least until some kind of relationship has been established and your son's paternity confirmed by DNA test! Then, as others have said, if your son isn't really all that bad, let this be his wake-up call.