just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

At some point he has to take responsibility for some of it though. The system may not have helped him. But he committed several crimes and the OP minimises his actions to a concerning degree and that is hardly going to help him.

Her potential role as a grandmother is irrelevant right now.

She needs to get her son to face up to the fact that it was more than ‘bad decision’, and ‘a bad crowd’ that put him in prison. I think she needs to focus on this and leave the woman and her baby alone until or unless she herself contacts the OP or her son.

Being a grandmother in this situation doesn’t really seem very joyful - it’s just drama

I really wouldn't get involved as you just don't know if you're going to make the situation worse. What if you got in contact with her and she told you NOT to tell your son about the baby - where would you be then if your son found out later that you had kept that information from him? It would ruin your relationship with him.

@0tiredmumof3

I would not tell your son about this as he could spiral and doesn’t have any support in there. You also don’t really have any facts yet. It’s possible the person who told you is mistaken, or lying, or has been given false information. However it’s obviously also possible that the woman has told people your son is the father, in which case she must expect it would or could get back to you.

If you are able to contact her in a non-confrontational way and let her know what you’ve heard, and how to contact you, then I’d do that. Leave it up to her if she wants to make contact. If she does, you can consider DNA testing and all that. But for now I’d do nothing more. When your son comes home you will have a different situation to deal with.

I do wonder what support you think there is for young people with ND, or for young adults in prison? The answer is very little.

Yes, he’s responsible for his choices and actions, but to portray him as also not accepting help depends on there being help available in the first place. Do you know what mental health support in prison is? It’s usually a person with an A level in psychology who hands out work books and adds you to a waiting list for a psychologist who’s in a few hours a month. People who are seriously mentally ill wait many months, even years, for transfer to hospital, people on suicide watch die because no-one is actually watching. A boy who’s committed some low level driving offences and banged his head off the wall will barely register, sorry to say.

Agree with the above poster. I volunteer with homeless people, nearly all of whom also have drug/alcohol problems and criminal records, and nearly all probably have ADHD and/or autism, diagnosed or undiagnosed (mainly undiagnosed in the older people). Prison should be a point where they're given help with addictions and underlying mental health problems, but they're not. So they're kicked out, still addicts (and now homeless as well), and go back to petty crime to fund their habits, and so the cycle continues.

OP - it's all Chinese whispers at this stage. Wait until your son gets out of prison before doing anything. The baby could well be nothing to do with him.

Do not keep making excuses! He is a bad lad! I not only work with adhd, autistic young adults I have a few in my family and they do not end up in prison or choose to do drugs etc. You literally keep making excuses so no wonder he keeps doing what he is doing your basically supporting bad behaviour by saying he isn't a bad lad and using illnesses as excuses! As for a baby personally I would want to know and I would just go to person and ask tbh and get it over with then a dna test if they say yes as I would want to be a positive influence if allowed in my grandchilds life as clearly your son won't be.

Op said i do believe he has mh issues but he refuses help and refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem which makes it very hard to do anything

But he’s still responsible for his multiple crimes.

And ‘low level driving offences’ ?

OP says he had a number of offences, driving under the influence of drugs, failure to stop and not cooperating with the police. he was bailed and one of the conditions was that he couldnt drive while they investigated properly
while on bail he was then caught driving a “friends” car (someone from the wrong crowd if im honest) so no insurance plus hed broken bail conditions, and he had drugs on him as well. thats what ended up with him being jailed in november

Not that low level. Drug driving, failing to stop refusing to cooperate, breaking bail conditions… And that’s the account from his mother who is determined to claim it’s the fault of everyone else but him.

He’s a 21 year old man who has committed a number of crimes.

Would you risk the life and wellbeing of a 3 month old and his mother for the sake of trying to help this currently mentally unstable man?

If I was the mother of the baby, i doubt she will see the OP as a positive influence, given how she depicts her son. I’m sure she’s a very nice person but just has a blind spot when it comes to him.

Yes, he is responsible - as I said.

Those are low level offences, in legal terms. At a guess the only reason he’s in prison for them is because he broke his bail conditions. Nobody is excusing them, and my point is that there is no help for people in his situation.

I have also said I don’t think OP should tell her son about what’s she’s been told.

I’m not sure how the life of a woman and child are at stake here, you seem to have massively upped the ante on this.

If not married dad needs to be there at registering the birth

so be w bit hard for him to be on the birth certificate if he doesn’t know about baby and in prison

There’s clearly a reason why she hasn’t contacted the OP or her son. I’m upping the ante because I have seen this kind of situation go horribly wrong.

worst case if OP doesn’t get involved - nothing happens

Worst case if she does get involved - well, work it out

We all bring our own experiences to the discussion but massively upping the stakes is probably not helpful at this point. The worst case of anything is that someone dies, but we don’t need to weigh that up in every single interaction do we? On the available information he has no history of violence. He’s been a bit of a dickhead. If more information becomes available, I might change my assessment.

No doubt the mother has her reasons - one of which might be that OP’s son is not the father.

It seems fairly obvious to me that a mother is not going to sit on this information and do nothing. I agree and have said that she should tread carefully and certainly not tell her son this until or unless she knows more. But to expect her to not even try to find out whether this is true seems unrealistic.

This is not correct - father can be added via a statutory declaration or after registration if the mother wishes.

He is mentally unwell and hitting his head against the wall. He’s refusing any help that’s offered. You may be happy for him and his mother to be involved but the child’s mother has a right not to involve either of them.

He may not pose a danger but the point is that the OP is not in a position to view the situation logically.

ND people who self medicate are at risk of self-harm if they cannot self medicate and don’t have any other strategies. Yes, he is mentally unwell, like 95% of people in prison, a good 60% of them because they’re in prison.

You’re racing ahead with the hypotheticals aren’t you? Where have I said I’m ‘happy’ for him and his mother to be involved? Of course the mother had the right to exclude him. Bit stupid to tell strangers he’s the dad if that’s the plan. But we don’t actually know if she told anyone that, do we? OP is as logical as anyone else on this - there’s a lack of factual information all round. Find out the facts, then decide what - if anything - to do.

I’d wait until your son is out of prison then tell him what you have heard. He can then make contact with her, sort a DNA test etc. You getting this involved with him not knowing a thing about it isn’t right or fair on him, regardless of what other posters are saying/thinking about him. It’s his child (or isn’t) and he’s the one who needs to sort it out. Leave it be unless the mother of the child contacts you.

so he can be on birth cert even if not there and not married ?

Yes. https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

I think that the only one who has the right to tell your son about the baby is the mother. That’s if he’s the father. It could be a rumour that your son’s friend heard. I definitely wouldn’t be telling him if I was in your shoes. If he is the father then the mother has a reason for not telling him. It is her choice who she tells about her baby. I wouldn’t say anything to your son. If he is or isn’t the father you don’t know how the mother and your son were together.
I don’t agree at all with the comments about it giving him something to work for or live for and encouraging you to tell him. I was abused in a lot of ways by my ex including r*pe and I would never let him know where I am. I will always put my children first.
I am not saying your son has done the same but he doesn’t know about the baby and it should stay that way.

I think if I were in your position I'd tell him what you've heard & ask if he knows this girl/woman has had a baby & is there a chance it could be his. It might be the kick up the backside he needs to straighten himself out if he finds out he has a child. If he knows about the baby ask him if he'd like you to try & contact the Mum to offer support. Let him know that he still has some control over his life & that you'll support him with his decisions from now on as long as they're the right ones for him & his baby (if it's his). If he doesn't want anything to do with the child then you have to respect his wishes & stay out of it. If the Mum gets in touch with you direct it's between you & her then for you to decide what to do.

Does the mother of the baby not get to control whether contact is made? She could have a very good reason for not getting in touch. This is a man who is unstable and not accepting help.

But if it was my GC I would want to find out if the child was my GC, if and how I could help, and ascertain if, when or how it may be suitable for my son to be part of the child's life, and if the child was at risk. And yes if need be I would foster or adopt and take on all care.
Totally agree. Thank God there are people like you in the world - makes it a better place for us all to live in.

Would that concern override the wishes of the child’s mother to not contact the OP or her son?

Makes me think that if I were the woman who had the misfortune to have become pregnant by her son, there would be no way on Earth I'd ever breathe a word of it to anybody (and make up a different father) in case a shit stirring Mum of one of his mates told her, as this PP would be striding in with an eye to snatching my baby for herself permanently.

@NeverDropYourMooncup you would lie to the child about who their father is.