just found out my son has a baby and i feel completely out of my depth

[0tiredmumof3]

not even sure where to start with this and i feel a bit sick if im honest

my eldest is 21, hes currently in prison before anyone jumps on that he isnt a bad lad at all, hes had a really rough few years and has always struggled. he was diagnosed adhd as a child and ive long suspected autism too but never got anywhere with that. his teenage years were awful, self harm, drugs (mainly ket but honestly whatever he could get), in and out of trouble. i tried so hard to get him proper mh support but it was always fobbed off and then when he turned 18 he just refused any help at all

anyway ive been worrying about him as it is and how hes coping where he is

then out of absolutely nowhere ive found out he has a baby. 3 months old. i didnt even know he had a girlfriend, never met her, nothing. from what ive been told she is quite a bit older than him as well which has thrown me a bit

i honestly dont know what to think. i dont know if he even knows hes a dad. part of me thinks surely he must but another part of me wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt given how chaotic things were before he went inside

i feel awful saying it but i dont even know what the right thing is here. do i tell him now while hes in there? i was already worried sick about his mental state and this feels like it could tip him over the edge. but then is it worse not telling him?

and then theres the baby. my grandchild i suppose which feels very strange to even type. i dont know if i should be trying to have anything to do with the situation or if id just be overstepping with the mother

i just feel completely out of my depth with it all and like ive somehow failed along the way

aibu to even consider waiting before saying anything to him? what would you do in my position?

He’s got time to turn things around - I’m a huge advocate for rehabilitation and I think the current justice system just produces repeat offenders but you absolutely are making excuses for him and it won’t help him. You can simply state the facts, which are that your boy is in prison and you don’t know if he knows he’s a dad. By the way, I think driving offences are some of the vilest offences, so short shrift from me there, if you think that’s helping to play things down.

in any case, if it was me I’d make efforts to let the mother know you’re there for her, if indeed your son is a father (DNA tests, etc) and I feel certain you will be able to find her if you set your mind to it. And as others have said, he needs to know.

The mother had not come to your door with a grandchild asking for support so contacting her and asking for a dna test is really not the way to go. She is likely to go tell you where to go.

If your son doesn’t know it sounds like she doesn’t want him to know and, by extension, doesn’t want you to know either.

If your son does find out and wants to step up as a father it’s for him to ask for a dna test

Why does he? He’s behind bars at the moment and clearly not engaging with any help to rehabilitate.

OP excuses everything he’s done so why encourage her to track down the mother when you know that any reason that she has for not telling them about the kid will be seen as unreasonable.

And having a father who hasn’t got his shit together can do more harm than good.

The last sentence is very clear in research into ACEs - an absent father, a dead father or not knowing a father at all have significantly lower adverse effects upon children's outcomes than a father who has been incarcerated and has substance addictions.

This all sounds very difficult for you. Is there any chance that finding out could be a positive and give him the drive to be on the right path? What do you know (if anything) about the mother and their relationship from what you’ve been told? Is there a way you could get in touch or find out more?

I think that if you can’t meet the mother and see if she will tell him, you need to do it yourself. At least that way you can frame it in a way you think will be least difficult for him eg that you will support, that it will work out, etc. I don’t think you can risk damaging your relationship by keeping it from him as you might be the only positive link he has right now

And if finding out messes his head up even more?

Who takes responsibility for the fallout? Given OP’s attitude towards his behaviours, she’s not helping him rehabilitate as apparently all he is really guilty of is ‘making bad choices’

So many horrible judgemental comments. The poor boy he must be really struggling. Depressed, sad and angry. He’s still young. He can grow from this. I think you need to do a bit more digging and when you’re sure of your facts tell him what you know.
let him know you’re on his side and you’ll help him deal with it when gets out. We love our children unconditionally. Despite what the do they’re still our child. Keep loving him.

Poor boy???? WTF? He is 21. An adult. He continued to commit crime. If he can’t be bothered to engage with help and rehabilitation, probably because his mother has excused his behaviour then what do you suggest?

I really don’t think the OP should be digging - I can see this ending very badly

I think you all need to step back into reality. Whether the mother tells her son there’s a potential child or not, the son will most likely find out about this child. Do you think his friend will keep quiet or this will be kept a secret eternally? Once the son gets to hear he has a potential child and if he wants to be a part of that child’s life all he has to do is submit a court application especially so if the mother refuses to engage with him or acknowledge him as the father. Morals aside, he still has rights if he’s the father. Isn’t it best to just make the son aware and try be amicable so it doesn’t end up hostile and going through family court. If you really believe the courts will keep him away just because he has a criminal background then you’re mad. From experience and even with having proof of domestic violence towards the mother and child, it didn’t stop the courts from allowing the dad full access and visits. I am not advocating for this man’s rights, I’m stating whether anyone agrees he has rights or believes they can just keep the child away, it’s wrong and he could easily prove that in court. Bottom line is the courts are all for the child having both parents in their life despite previous convictions. There’s a child stuck in the middle and for all anybody knows, this man could step up and be a great father turning his life around. According to the mother, there’s been no conviction or history of violence, just a young man failed by the system who went down the wrong path. He can just as easily prove himself to the court that he is a capable and a loving father who wants to put the wellbeing of his child first. So whether the mum wants him around or not is irrelevant in terms of his rights legally. It may well be unfortunate for her which is why it’s best to try and keep an amicable approach instead of reaching the point where there’s hate fuelled threats of keeping the child away (on both sides, he may well end up refusing to hand the child back over ect)/ point scoring and unnecessary conflict.

Could you ask the friend who told you to feed back that whilst you are shocked, you are open to finding out more . If she doesn’t respond then maybe don’t do anything for now and wait for it to unfold. She may not want to know your son at the moment or have anything to do with him or his family, and you have to respect that. Just breathe for now …you sound like you’ve had a hard time so you’ll have to be mentally fit for any extra drama .

@0tiredmumof3 You absolutely should not tell him at this moment in time IMO. That would be cruel if he has to wonder about it while being in prison. Especially if he will be in prison for a while. How long is he likely to be in prison for, because I think that is relevant at the moment?

You also need to be Absolutely sure that he really is the Father of that baby and that will need to be a DNA test when he comes out , I think.

So in the meantime, just wait and keep quite, would be my advice until he gets out.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta Maybe it’s because he’s given up. Honestly it’s not difficult to try and understand someone who has struggled their entire childhood and then early adult life without the right help and support. He may well be refusing to engage with support in prison but that is reasonable and judging by the comments on here it isn’t unreasonable to suggest he is doing that because he feels that people will see him one way regardless of what he does. Reaching the point where you’ve given up is a dark place to be in. A lot of people who shut down mentally push people and help away. There’s a lot of people in the prison system who were let down, had a bad start in life and had no role model ect there is vast reasons why people end up there. Some of them will be there because they are just generally “bad” people. There is plenty of broken people out there and some of them will just spiral and self destruct even deeper and deeper. You don’t know whether this young man has potential to come out a better person and turn his life around. There could be many deep dark secrets that he has kept hidden even from his mum, nobody knows what could of happened to him in his life. I know many people who have experienced even sexual abuse, some are men and they have never told a soul and have sworn they never will. One particular man I know was raped from the age of 8 and was also assaulted by older female children from even younger and his mum wouldn’t believe anything of the sort could of happened to him and she will never know. That is a man who is plagued by trauma and has displayed this with certain behaviours. Nobody knows truly what struggles and traumas people have gone through.

Writing this man off and shame on the people saying because he has a conviction and is in prison for driving whilst under the influence of drugs “He was probably abusive to her” well maybe she was abusive to him. Maybe she isn’t a nice person overall. Who knows? 🤔 At this moment nobody knows. Nobody knows anything about this woman or whether she’s a threat or danger to her child. There’s plenty of women that keep their children away from the father for the wrong reasons just as much as women keep them away for the right reasons. She fell pregnant with this man’s child potentially and its for both of them to raise that child and if that can’t be done for whatever reason on both sides then go through the right channels. I have never done drugs myself and I don’t even drink alcohol but I know plenty of people who have lived drug fuelled teenage and younger years who have got into trouble with the law but they have turned their life around and are a better parent than the mother who has a clean sheet. The judgement needs doing away with.

Such a difficult situation for you and it must be hard to see your son in this situation.
If it was me, I wohkd not tell him while he is in prison as there is very little he can do whilst in there and you have said that he has poor mh. How long is he in prison for?

ADHD and autism is over represented in the prison population. I believe you OP .

Sorry that you are getting a bashing from people OP.

I have a relative similar to your DS, he ended up in prison in his early 20’s and I have to say ‘it was probably the best thing that happened to him’ he’s now much more level headed and a great father, he was diagnosed ASD whilst going through the court process for his case. He was always easily lead and took risks. I hope your DS has had a wake up call and he can get his life back on track when he is released.

As for the baby, I think you need to try and find contact details, this is your grandchild after all, but also be aware of why the mother may have kept it from him.

OP the first thing I'd do is get back in touch with the friend and ask her if her son knows if your son knows about the baby.

If your son doesn't know about the baby then when you visit I'd ask him if he has a girl friend or had one before he went in. I'd see what he has to say about that question before I even considered mentioning a baby that may or may not exist/be his when his MH is not great.

He won't get help for MH issues but will he take medication for ADHD if he doesn't already? It potentially could really change his life if he would.

OP in your shoes I would only tell him, if I was told directly by the mum that baby was his.

Otherwise it's just gossip and hearsay not fact direct from the mum.

Telling him now :

You don't know it's true.
You don't know how he will react.
The mum hasn't told him, and I can't say I blame her.
He cant do anything either way while he's in prison.

Personally I'd not say anything and if it came up down the line I'd say you'd heard a rumour but didn't know if it was actually true. 🤷 That you'd tell him if you were more sure but had no idea if it was true or not.

Great question. Take it from there.

Only you can decide whether to tell your son what you’ve heard, but I’m amazed that so many posters suggest you should be offering the mother financial support at this stage!

Snowhailrainsun

I agree. The mother may not want OPs son and his mother to know she has had a baby.

She may not have put his name on birth certificate to prevent him claiming paternity rights and OP claiming grandparent rights.

OP doesn’t know whether the person who told her is stirring the pot and it may not be OPs son.

OP - Leave well alone and do not relay what may be incorrect information to your son.

Actually the fact the child might be the OP’s grandchild is the least important thing here. She has no legal right to a relationship with him and, until or unless her son actually gets help, he shouldn’t even know about the child. He’s clearly not stable at the moment. Maybe if he engages with the help, he might come out and not go in again. But the attitude of ‘well he’s not a bad lad, he just made a few bad decisions’ is not going to help him.

There will be a reason why the mother hasn’t contacted the OP’s son. If OP disrespects her wishes, how well do you think things will turn out? There is a risk of bringing a lot of trouble to her door which is the last thing she needs with a 3 month old.

As I said upthread, my friend got the living shit kicked out of her in a similar situation (his mother didn’t believe he did it).

There’s more at stake here than just wanting to be grandmother to a baby

The Daily Mail vibe on this post is high. Children’s and YP’s MH services are virtually non-existent. The CJS is struggling after years of Tory rule. Offending behaviour is rarely straightforward, and OP has already told us that her son is carrying the trauma of childhood paternal bereavement. This doesn’t excuse his offending, but goes towards explaining it.
We know nothing of the mother; she could be the fragile single mother, terrified of the marauding drug gangs her association with OP’s son may bring to her door. She could be a calculating older temptress. Or someone completely different, or somewhere in the middle.

OP, I’m sorry for your circumstances. It sounds like you have had a hard road. I would make your son your priority and it might be that there’s some work to do before you tell him, both in terms of his MH and the various outcomes of him knowing. Are there any family support groups for you to access?
I wish you well.

To be clear - he doesn’t seem like a good father and I don’t think you would be offering anything of value to this child’s life either.

if the mother does not want you involved, respect her decision. Given how bad he was before he was in jail (you describe him as chaotic), it’s likely he wasn’t a good partner to this woman. If he doesn’t know about the child, it speaks volumes that they are not in a relationship and they are not keeping in touch. If she wanted to get in touch with you, she would have already. She doesn’t need your address or phone number. This mate of yours who told you, would have passed on contact details. Instead it’s all very gossipy through the grapevine, as opposed for a clear call
for action.

You have had a stressful time. A higher proportion of people with adhd find themselves caught up in the justice system if only they were given more help to find good habits and decision making as they seek dopamine hits the wrong way and react in the moment rather than respond. The system has failed him not you. Hopefully we all live and learn. Being a grandparent can be such a joy and he may be a good father in time but you can be a good grandmother. I hope it all turns out well for you💕