To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Because SD only uses it 13% of the time and it actually has no effect whatsoever on her life of OP works in there the other 26 days a month. Children do not have "their own" room. They do not pick the house, they do not make decisions about the child: bedroom ratio and they do not pay any rent or mortgage. They have use of a room in the house within the bounds of the rules set by their parents, and they have a right to privacy when they are in it.

I don’t know why you bothered asking. You had clearly already made the decision and wanted validation.

Stepchildren already have a shitty deal that is not of their making.

So how does this step child have a shitty deal when OP is voluntarily picking up CMS because her DH can no longer afford to pay it ? She’s doing her best to provide for her and the simple fact is that OP using DSD’s room as her workspace while she’s not in it, isn’t going to impact DSD in any way at all. That a thirteen year old girl, should be allowed to dictate what happens to a room in someone else's house that she only uses four days a month is utterly ridiculous in any event, but in OP’s circumstances it really doesn’t fly.

I think what it comes down to is some posters and the OP are solely focused on ensuring a child's practical needs are met (shelter, food etc) and seem to place less importance on the emotional needs of a child. A lot of the posters don't seem to consider the emotional needs AT ALL tbh and don't even understand where the posters on the other side are coming from.

How would her emotional needs be impacted though? She gets a bedroom.if her own... a tiny portion of it is used by the bill payer (of both her houses) whilst she's not even there! Tbh she wouldn't ever even have noticed if the OP didn't hadn't told her in advance

I feel like 100-odd posts have tried to explain this and the people on the YANBU side just are not getting it.

Because (whether fair or not) it sends a message to the SD that:

• It's not her room first and foremost but her SM's office / spare room that she stays in sometimes
• Where she would fit was an afterthought when they bought this house
• She is not welcome at the house any more frequently than she currently visits (as her room will not be available)
• She is being treated differently to her brother

It's not her room first and foremost but her SM's office

But it's not. She is not planning to have any of her things there. All she wants is to use the desk when the room is not used.

And the 100-odd posts that explain its not the SMs responsibility to house the SD and to pay over the odds maintenance at 7x the CMS rate when her two actual biological parents can't reasonably do it are just ignored.

A laptop in a room the days SD isn't there didn't even need to be discussed realistically... she wouldn't even know!

And yes, she is being treated different to her brother who is the OPs biological child living there 24/7. However I am actually of the opinion that OP shouldn't downsize and should cut back on the 700quid a month until such time her DP has recovered.

Her father is ill. Sacrifices have to be made.

1. how does a laptop in there on the desk when she isn't there mean it isn't the SDs room?

2. SD is getting the bigger room, they clearly thought about her but can't afford a 4th room. (I say they; OP is funding everything).

3)Why does it mean SD isn't welcome for more time? A laptop is easily moved.

4)Her brother doesn't live in 2 houses.

Because it’s not just about a laptop. It’s the identity of the room. The room is ‘multifunctional’ as the SM’s office and SD’s room. That’s literally the title of the thread. You don’t know it’s just a laptop, it could be a lot of paperwork, equipment etc.

Because she’s working in the room 9-5pm 5 days a week.
That basically rules out the SD living there through the week or on the holidays.
Which could be something she might want in the future if things became challenging with her mum or to spend more time with her dad as he’s ill.

Ultimately the SD has an issue with the idea of it. Most likely for one or more of the reasons above and because she wants her privacy and to belong. Rather than just telling her she’s wrong and unreasonable the OP and her DP should be looking for ways to reassure her and minimise the disruption. The OP hasn’t told us specifically what the issue is though for posters to even try and meaningfully help.

I'd say it's about how you word it. As your sd I'd take it better if you were asking to "sometimes" working at her desk. You won't leave anything around when she's there I guess. That way, it's her room, not a multifunctional space.

And stick some flowers/a make up mirror on it for when she comes round.

You don’t know it’s just a laptop, it could be a lot of paperwork, equipment etc.

yes we do, OP said it's just a laptop

Nope. None of this.

Then why do you think the SD and DP don’t want the room to also be OP’s office?

And why are you so sure it’s an unreasonable concern?

Would it be more reasonable for SDs mother to not be able to afford her rent and have to downsize and move out of the area?

No. If the OP working in the SD’s bedroom is the only option then I think the OP needs to address the SD and the DP’s concerns.

🙄 Or tell everyone... This is what needs to happen. The OP is carrying the weight of 4 children (only 1 of whom os hers) and 2 other adults (who aren't currently able to finance and potentially house their kids without the OP).... she gets to be a tiny bit selfish and just put her foot down.

What ‘concerns’? DSD is only there four days a month. She hardly keeps any of her belongings there and OP is talking about sitting at a desk with a laptop, not turning the room into a home office. It will have zero impact on DSD and DH’s only ‘concern’ is enabling his DD to get her own way. It’s a difficult situation and everyone has to make compromises. DSD doesn’t get a free pass because she’s a step child - especially not when her step mum is continuing to pay CMS to ensure her well being at her mum’s.

DSD is thirteen. She’s having a tough time because of everything going on in her life so she thinks she should be pandered to. DP’s only concern seems to be enabling his DD to get her own way. OP using her room to sit at a a desk with a laptop will have zero effect on DSD because she’s not there when it’s happening. To all intents and purposes, on her return, the room will be as she left it.

It’s an unreasonable concern because space is at a premium and OP doesn’t have the luxury of leaving the room unused when DSD is not there. At thirteen she’s old enough to be asked to make compromises in a difficult situation and to understand that OP is trying to do her best for her.

Exactly this. She's old enough to understand that the downsizing is actually happening to help HER mother... therefore ensuring consistency at her main residence. She's still getting a double room at her Dad's.

Because if the OP loses her job or can’t cope with her work because she doesn’t have a dedicated quiet space to do that work, none of the SDs needs will be met at all - there will be no money for either of her houses, for food, clothes etc. So step child or not stepchild there are times when everyone in a family has to compromise and this is one of those times.

Completely agree with this. You’re paying the bills and supporting the family. Yes we all want stuff, but that’s not how life works. Tough, they’ll just have to suck it up.
You’re supporting the whole family so they just have to do what’s best for you to support you in keeping going and do your job otherwise everyone will suffer.

Have you decided what you are going to do?

So the children’s bedroom should be “theirs” but the OP, who is paying for the house can’t have her room as “hers” when there will be a bedroom that sits empty for 20 days out of 28?!

The OP should sleep in her room from 10-6 and work in that room from 9-5?

this is honestly one of the most hilarious things I’ve read…

buy a house that gives everyone their own room, but don’t dare consider using a room for work while it’s not being used by anyone else!

why not move a fridge and a camping stove in your room too, OP, then you’ll never need to leave! 🤦🏻‍♀️