To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Interesting. Your last post pointed out that you were expressing an opinion. I’m simply expressing mine in supporting the OP.

Your DSD has her own room at her other house. She is 13 and spends at most half a dozen nights a month at your place so she just has to accept that as she is having the bigger room at the weekends and you are using it during the week. She is not being ignored or hard done by, it is the only solution now you are having to downsize as her Dad can't help provide a bigger house.

Since I’ve apparently been appointed to the position of thread guard dog, l have to say l approve of the image you posted 🤣

😂😂
Maybe that should be your new user name!
Mine came from another thread where a poster said "you think you're the Queen of the thread" so I made myself Empress 😂

Brilliant. On it as we speak !! 🤣🤣

😂

Caveat: I have not RTFT, I have just read OPs comments.

OP, sorry that you and your family are having such a tough time. It can't be easy for ANY of you.

I'm not sure of it was asked but does your husband have serious illness cover? Was he entitled to any payment for his illness? I remember when my own mother was ill with cancer and my Dad had to work long hours to make sure there was food on the table and the lights came on while I took kcer the running of the house and missed a lot of school to take my mum to appointments... I hope you and DP have a good support network. My parents did did eventually receive a lumpsum payout of serious illness that they paid off toward the mortgage to lower the monthly payments. But possibly if your DP is entitled to this you could set it aside and use that to continue to fund the maintenance?

I think its very noble of you to continue to pay the £700 but tbh I wouldn't. Not right now... I would reduce it to something more manageable - could you afford £250 maybe and let SDs mum know that hopefully this is temporary until your DP is well enough to return to work and you really are trying to juggle everything.

I 100% would not consider downsizing right now. Your kids are going through enough without losing their home. It's up to SDs mother to get advice on her debt, and claim CMS for the other 2 kids. The fact her partner left her cannot be your problem right now, you have enough to deal with.

Also, can you look at a moratorium on your mortgage for 6 months to a year? Essentially agree with the banks to go interest only for the next 12 months whilst your DP is out of work, so your outgoings are reduced. The capital not paid is just extended onto the backend of the mortgage (so an extra year on the total term).

I'm really sorry your partner is ill and hope he has a good recovery, but he is really acting in an entitled and spoilt manner at the moment. It's vital for everyone that you continue to work and to do well. It's vital you have some space to do that. Your SD's room is the only option. I'd go nuclear on this, tbh. They are all being incredibly selfish.

You are a amazing - honestly, not many people would do what you are already doing.
I would have a box room for her AND set up desk in the box room.
she is barely there and you are providing for everyone. sorry your dp does not have a choice

ALSO IMPORTANT
I would reduce the 700 payment by at least half

Honestly just fuck that! You need to adapt to an attitude of its my way or the highway. Subsidizing two families and they have the gall to squeeze you even more. Atleast you’re not stuck in a marriage, cut your losses, get more support as a working single mom if he wants to destroy u too x

ALSO IMPORTANT
I would reduce the 700 payment by at least half

I'd be tempted to stop paying altogether OP, you have no legal obligation to fund his ex. It may not be her fault she's facing difficult times, but its not yours either, and you have enough challenges of your own.

And as someone has just said - you're doing all of this, and your DP still wants to squeeze you further by insisting his daughter gets her way with bedrooms.

Critical illness cover was discussed quite a bit upthread but didn’t get a response from OP so either they don’t have it or it hasn’t paid out for some reason. From what OP says she is supporting DP’s ex because she is renting a home she couldn’t otherwise afford (presumably because her partner has upped and left) and is waiting on council accommodation. If she moved out in the interim she would have to change DSD’s school or DSD would have to move in full time with OP and her dad, which she doesn’t want. OP is downsizing partly to support that and partly because she wants to reduce their outgoings now, so that in the event that DP doesn’t survive the cancer, she has a mortgage manageable on her wage.

Hi, yes I saw the comments re why the OP is subsidising the maintenance and while.its lovely and honourable, she's putting herself and her son out of their family home instead of putting themselves first.

It's unfortunate that SDs mother is in a financial bind, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the OP. In the unfortunate event that her partner sadly passed, she wouldn't continue to pay the money and SD wouldn't live with her. So at that juncture if she decided to downsize to a 3 bed she would have the box room as an office in its entirety. But in the meantime, there are ways to reduce outgoings (saving upto £600 on maintenance and a mortgage moritorium) without another family upheaval.

SDs mother needs to go after her other kids Dads for support... not the OP!

And apparently most of SD mums 'income' is going on rent

So I think that's

• 700 from OP on behalf of DP to be nice,
• 100CM from Op on behalf of DP,
• basic Child Benefit for 3 kids,
• Universal credit for 3 children,
• Higher amount of universal credit for the 2 disabled children,
• 85% any childcare paid back , her income for the hours that she does each week (under 16 hours).
• All the other free stuff you get with being on certain benefits (prescriptions etc)

That adds up to a lot of money, it must be a high rent / big house. So the answer surely is for SD's mum to move to a cheaper rental near the current school. Of course there will be something available, she probably doesn't want to move, which i can understand but that's life. Meanwhile chase the other kids' dad for CMS.

And OP can stay where she is.

But DSD isn’t giving up her room. OP is using a laptop in there to WFH on the days DSD doesn’t visit. How is that giving up anything given that it’s not causing her any inconvenience whatsoever ?

There's a strange ideology around money in separated families. In a 'together' family, if Dad isn't working for any reason (or there's some other financial issue) then everyone has to cut their cloth accordingly as there's simply less money to go round.

Yet when parents are apart, the above principle doesn't seem to apply. Even if Dad's circumstances change, even if its not his fault, somehow he's expected to keep up the same payments, even when its clearly impossible.

I have no idea if the OP took much persuading to continue paying the £700, but I find this even more shocking than the bedroom/office situation. Heaven forbid the OP's DP got hit by a bus, would she continue to bank roll his ex?

OP said somewhere upthread that the ex is waiting to be rehoused and that if she moves to a cheaper area in the interim DSD will have to change schools. Given the amount of upheaval the child is already dealing with, that may be a step too far - she’s already had problems with attendance because of everything that’s going on. I don’t think all of the income will be going on rent - UC pays a rent element but it doesn’t cover the whole amount, so the ex would have to make up the shortfall from the rest of her income. And it seems that her own partner has left her, leaving her with considerable debt, so it’s unlikely he’ll be paying anything in maintenance. OP said she has agreed to pay the shortfall in CMS for six months at which point it will be reviewed, and then again in a year.

The comment about DP being hit by a bus is a tad insensitive given that he has a cancer diagnosis, and from the sound of it, a serious one. She’s given her reasons for continuing to pay CMS over several updates - mainly to support her DSD who is having a hard time with everything that’s going on. She’s also said that she has only agreed to pay the shortfall for six months at which point it will be reviewed, and again in a year.

I know she shouldn't have to change schools. Just the same school as currently. Different house / flat.
Op said most of the SD mums income is going on rent, currently.

If there are no alternative cheaper properties in the school catchment area then DSD would have to move school. I’m assuming that OP meant the school is in a more expensive area.

She doesn't need to be in catchment, she's already at the school

Just a note to say please look after yourself in all this, OP. You have SO much on your shoulders. I know your original post was about rooms but it's clear it's now a host of other, interconnected, pressures. 🌺

I agree with PPs suggesting some gentle honesty with DSD - 'Money is limited, we are trying to find the best outcomes for everyone including her and her mum. This means some sacrifices for everyone, for now. We're a team.'

I thought it more sensitive to use the frequently heard 'hit by a bus' phrase than make reference to cancer.

I have got a good idea. DS could go in larger room with a single bed and desk and DSD goes in box room with single bed but you can set desk in their if there is space.

When she's not there I mean. I think most kids like having a desk ih their room anyway even if for craft or homework.