To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Yanbu. Sd has the room when she is there and you use it for work is very reasonable. You are using it at times when she is not there.

It would also be reasonable that she has to give up double bed and take box room so that is the bonus of her room doubling as workspace. If not the child there most would get bigger bed.

DP and SD daughter have 2 choices, she gets the box room or she has to share the bigger room with your office! Absolutely ridiculous that she gets the bigger room and you have no space to work!

DP and SD don’t want this.

Well presumably you don’t really want to move to a smaller house either, but them’s the breaks. They’ll need to suck it up just like you do.

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Working in a communal space is clearly not going to be good for anyone.

I understand that you feel your SDs bedroom will be under used, but having it as your office when she's not there effectively changes it from 'SDs bedroom' to 'the guestroom'. It's not hers any more. She won't feel like she's at home at your house. It will affect her relationship with her dad. He is rightly prioriting her needs and wellbeing

You need to find a different solution. A garden office? Desk in your bedroom? Find a different house with an extra room in a cheaper area? Convert the cupboard under the stairs? Small loft conversion? Conservatory? Stop WFH? Separate your living arrangements from your DP?

I don’t think you need to discuss it, your suggestion is the only sensible one and if DP really objects remind him he doesn’t need to move with you 🤷‍♀️

Sod that your having to downsize so she will have to adapt. Your the breadwinner so you need peace and space to do that. Tell her it's that or the boxroom

I would be telling DH he finds a job to suit his medical illness as if he wants to keep a room free do his child you need four bedrooms. Otherwise it will work as you want it

working in the kitchen is not going to work if he and da are around. DS wont understand that he can’t talk or play with you and you will need quiet to work

slabs to keeping a double bed Tough. She gets a large single and you get a desk in there

I have my desk in my son’s room - he’s at school whilst I work. Hardly world ending. And at 13 she will use the desk for homework surely?

Of course it’s fine - it is the only sensible solution. She will have her room to herself when she’s there and i assume that apart from your desk the room will have her choice of duvet cover and decoration and the bits and pieces she leaves there and her clothes etc.

DS works from DD’s room when she’s at uni. She’s not thrilled but such is life and he doesn’t work there when she’s home. It doesn’t stop it being her room or suggest she’s not welcome it just makes sense

From experience of a similar scenario, I suspect your DP does not want to move. He’s using SD as an excuse to drag his feet.

If you absolutely have to move, he and SD need to compromise. This is going to sound harsh but without compromise you don’t have a partner - you have someone that’s exploiting you.

Just make it tidy at the end of the week and they won’t even know 😅

so they are objecting that you use a desk in her room during the time she's not there? It's not a shrine. Is her room currently forbidden territory for you? Tell them the room will have a desk, for SD during weekends but you will use it during the week, end of discussion.

I think I’d be buying a house without your DP in it at all, he is being very unreasonable.

Your SD visits every other weekend and wants the second largest bedroom kept for her sole use? That’s unreasonable.

Is there not an option to have some other kind of surface in there that you could work on which she could use as eg a makeup table, and you just take your chair in when she's isn't there and move it out when she is? Bit of a faff but perhaps a reasonable compromise? What is her objection to the desk- that she doesn't want you in her space, or doesn't want a desk?

She’s there literally two weekends a month eoth no stuff. She gets to stay In your office

We do this with my eldest when he is home from uni. My study becomes his bedroom.

Tough tits really. Your work is paying for that house. If they don't like it, they can live elsewhere. Sounds like the most practical solution. She won't even know you're there during the week, will she? Just find somewhere else to keep your paperwork when she's back using the room. From a confidentiality perspective, you might need to do that anyway.

@SamphireSupper how about a table that folds up against the wall?

Unfortunately for them, as DP is not contributing they don't get the final say.
If you hadn't told her you were working from that room during the week it is unlikely she would have even known anyway, what are there actual objections to you working from there?

Yep. I'd stand my ground on this one. Set the room up as SD's bedroom with desk for her homework. Then use desk during the week and remove the laptop and any other work stuff when she's there. You could have a lockable drawer in the desk for any small items but if you didn't she wouldn't even be able to tell that you use it when she's not there.
They are being totally unreasonable.

I don’t understand why it’s such a big issue? All you’re doing is putting a desk in there…?! Seems sensible to me.

It just doesn’t work any other way. I wouldn’t work at the kitchen table. I’d look for a lockable cabinet and tell sd it really is her bedroom, I only use the desk, but if she feels better about it she can have a lockable cabinet for her special things.

Partition off a cubicle in whichever is the biggest room.

How old is she?

I think it’s reasonable to have a desk in there if she’s only around at weekends and you can clear away your work stuff. If she was around in the week it would be different.

Currently I use a desk in DS’ room to work in. He has a double bed and DH’s office has an ikea daybed. When guests come, DS moves into the office room. Not ideal but we don’t live in a mansion so there we go!