To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Gosh this is easy.
You are a family.
Include SD in the discussion.
Her dad is unwell and can’t work so everyone has to muck in , make sacrifices.
The smallest child has the box room.
And ,,,,given she needs her double bed, SD shares the larger room.
Alternate weekends it’s exclusively hers and weekdays it’s your office Bonus is, SD has a desk to do her homework on in privacy when she’s with you.
Everyone has made a sacrifice. It’s what families do. Pull together! A sound life lesson for all.

Provide SD with a wardrobe and bedside locker near the bed for her exclusive use. Make it nice for her.
Set the office space apart. Use a movable dressing screen / room divider to delineate the space if necessary/ useful for zoom meetings etc.

I wouldn't be letting DSD be dictating what you do with 'her' room and what size bed she has. She's a kid, she needs to follow your rules, DP needs to butt out as well.

What you're describing is what the Op wants to do. The dp and his dd have already said no

what a tough time for all, no wonder SD is struggling.

practically I think I’d give her the choice, big room, big bed but you share it. Or your son has it and she has the small room unshared.

this isn’t anyone’s fault and everyone has to make a compromise somewhere (and your doing plenty of that!). I see your points, but I also see hers, no teenager wants her step mum to be in her room even if she doesn’t leave anything, it just rams it home it’s not her home.

But it's not practical for the son to have it... he's there 100% and then wouldn't have access to his own room after school or during every holiday or sick day etc.

I see that in theory, however, mine never played or sat in their room, even when off sick. Not until they were teenagers. And I see practically as an adult it makes sense to use the empty room. but she’s also a teenage girl whose world has been turned upside down at a critical time in her life and they’ve never been known for their rational sensible thinking. allow her the autonomy over this, treat her with some respect and more like the adult she’s growing into.
she might be happy to share for the bigger room.

He's 4 though - if he comes home and his mum is working in "his" room, he will be running in to see her every 5 minutes

You sound like a good person OP and you’re juggling a lot of difficult issues that aren’t of your making.

I hope you get everything worked out.

So everyday during the summer holidays etc the child can't go into his room... while the other room sits empty 85% of the week.

It just isn't logical.

Yes, the girls world has been turned upside down. And the OP is actually outting her own family to the bottom of the pile and downsizing so that SD can still have the same lifestyle at her mother's... despite it being absolutely not the OPs responsibility.

I find it just bonkers tbh.

You know, at this point (unless OP has resolved this to her satisfaction) I think I'd be telling DH "Maybe we should 'downsize' to two 2-bed flats. That way everyone has their own room. Problem solved?". That's tongue in cheek of course, but at this point if I were OP I'd be looking out for myself and my own child. Since obviously her DH is only looking out for himself and DSD.

duplicate.

Why do OPs start these threads? Genuine question. End up spending an entire day arguing with strangers about something you are absolutely crystal clear in your own mind is absolutely not unreasonable. I don’t get it!

Can the compromise not be that your stepchild chooses their own table/desk or even better a make up table with mirror that you can sit at?
If you are on a laptop anyway, I don't see the problem.

Why can’t your desk go in your room?

It could - but then the dh couldn't use it to rest during the day, and the OP will sleep and work all day in the same room (which is not advised) meanwhile there is an empty room along the corridor.

I can't understand why people think it is appropriate to keep a room empty 90% of the time, when a family is struggling for space. Dsd stays every other weekend and the room can be cleared of work related stuff for those days. She shouldn't really notice the difference.

Tough! OP is currently the breadwinner while hopefully dp improves.
Reasonably, at all costs she must be able to preserve her employment or everyone suffers.

Everyone must muck in or she walks. Simples! There is no other reasonable resolution.

In OP’s position, wouldn’t have the headspace to negotiate this.

It would be my way or the highway even tho I would try to explain the rationality.

Of course he could sleep in the daughters room when she’s not there or even the sons room

Musical bloody chairs!

You need to look at options for your work setup. Ergonomically, a dining room setup is not great. The kitchen table is an even worse idea (chair).

Tell your DH that you will need to return to the office (costs for comuting etc) or you will need a serviced office and.that this cost will negate the benefits of.downsizing.

SD, can share with you or take the box room, I know.shat she will.choose.

OP you should set a desk up in your own bedroom. That’s the best solution all round, and you shouldn’t not do it just because you ‘don’t want to’. The children’s bedrooms should be theirs.

I work for my bedroom, and sometimes sit downstairs with my laptop if I fancy a change of scene. I think suggesting losing your job because of working from your bedroom is ridiculously dramatic. It sounds like you just don’t fancy it.

Put it in your room, don't make it you and them.... Life's too short, your sd deserves the same in her house as your son!

So she is only there four days a month? Of course you can use that room as your office how would she even know anyway?

So many people advising the OP to put a desk in her bedroom. So she will then leave a room empty and face additional stress, poor work/life balance, and diminished sleep hygiene on top of being the breadwinner, caring for her sick husband, supporting her child, her stepchild AND the husband’s ex?

Absolutely. And what would people do if the grandparents came to stay for a couple of days - would they still keep the SD's room empty and ask the grandparents to sleep on a sofabed downstairs?!