To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

I’ve read all of your posts and honestly I think you are right to put your foot down on this. She gets the nice big room, you are only there when she is not. Everyone is making sacrifices here, it is what it is.

Sounds like you're all having a really tough time of it, and like you're shouldering a lot OP.

Yanbu. I don't know the right way forward but YANBU.

Perhaps suggest to your partner he returns to his Ex., would be great for his daughter.
Let them work it out.

I think they have a complete fool made out of you.
Carrying it all with YOUR job, and he thinks his daughters large bedroom should be kept empty while you work in the kitchen.

I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship faced with such selfishness.

OP has addressed all these points. And why are you dismissing OP as the breadwinner when she is picking up £600 of her DP’s CMS payments that he can no longer afford, and that she is not legally obliged to cover, so DSD doesn’t have reduced circumstances at home ? OP works from home, she’s said multiple times we’re talking about a laptop at a desk. DSD is there four days a month and to have the room standing empty in her absence the rest of the time is utterly ridiculous.

How about the two of them respecting OP’s feelings and allowing her a proper workspace given that she’s supporting the equivalent of two families here ? The urge to give step children everything they ask for out of some sort of misplaced guilt is batshit - she’s thirteen, she can’t dictate what happens to ‘her’ room when she’s not there when space is at a premium and life circumstances have changed.

I agree with this. Get rid OP, make your life easier

OP didn’t post for advice on leaving her DP. He has a cancer diagnosis and may not be thinking straight. If a man posted suggesting he leave his sick wife because she was being a bit selfish he’d be torn to shreds. This isn’t stuff to end your relationship over. It’s sit down and discuss it. The alternative is that OP and her DP stay where they are and OP stops paying CMS to his ex to facilitate that. They can’t have it both ways, and it’s my bet that if DSD’s mum was aware that this was the considered alternative, she’d be telling DSD to suck it up.

No he wouldn't be in these circumstances.

He'd be told that he has every right to work in a bit of peace when he is carrying everything, including his wife's Ex.

In OP's case....
His daughter is NOT more important than OP's mental health when she is carrying everything including his ex, to the tune of £700 a month.

She's a goddamn saint.
Cancer or no cancer, she has to work, and is entitled to some peace doing so.

MN is batshit at times.

If she loses her drop through stress.....there won't be any bedroom to keep as an empty shrine to his daughter.

Apologies if someone has already suggested this @SamphireSupper but could you consider something like this as your desk and leave the storage elements empty? At weekends you could then just take the chair and laptop out and the room looks exactly like SD’s single use space. She can use the storage to leave her own things behind if she wants to?

www.daals.co.uk/products/yukon-high-gloss-white-2-in-1-desk-or-sideboard-with-extendable-top?variant=32160251740211&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=17058647490&utm_content=&utm_device=m&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17063444530&gbraid=0AAAAAC5PeAw1oP_ih_YuNT2FcvYptnYfx&gclid=CjwKCAjwhqfPBhBWEiwAZo196jnBNQi26jnuapMooo5wx1biKaI9LtI-iZ3PmreZqulB_CerGrE8khoCBRcQAvD_BwE

Ds gets bigger room as living there more often. He will grow and want more space as he gets older so this makes practical sense.

Dsd takes the box room, converts to a single bed and your desk goes in there. Make the room lovely and cool, maybe a bunk bed with chill under area. The positive to this is as she gets older and is doing exams etc she will then have a proper desk to work at. Make it very clear that this is only for when she's not there and you'll work elsewhere on days she is if that happens.

I would keep the desk as neutral and clear as possible so it feels like 'hers' when it's her room.

All of her belongings that are there will be just as “safe” with the OP working at her desk as they would be if the room was just hers.

it really is baffling to me. The changes are being made to the size of their home due to the change her DP’s circumstances and everyone is having to make changes. OP is losing her office, DS is having a small box room, SD is sharing her room with the OP using it while she isn’t there.

no different to if they had 2 girls who shared a room!

As the OP said, SD is there at weekends, she won’t be using the room.

it sounds like SD doesn’t stay for additional time over the summer holidays. But I would imagine OP would make temporary changes for that.

and if SD’s circumstances changed then they would all need to work something out. But it would need to be discussed between the OP and her DP, like all other decisions

I'd make the box room your office with a bed where she can stay when she stays. As she gets older I expect she'll stay less as she gets more interested in going out with friends. Your son is there all the time so he can have the bigger bedroom.
Is there any chance of a longer term project to convert a garage or build a garden office?

You’ve proposed a sensible option. I think that unfortunately OH and SD just need to get on with it… you’d prefer a room which is yours alone to work in so you too are compromising!

Well you sound like a lovely woman who is under a lot of pressure and doing your best to hold it all together. I personally think you have to force the issue of having a Desk in the room. As you’ve said it will be hers when she stays to do homework etc. it’s no brainer from me.

I don't think you should still be paying the £700 in those circumstances. You let your DH pay the £100 he's supposed to and let his ex then claim benefits. Then you can stay afford to stay in your house.

Sounds you are doing a great job at keeping 2 families happy whilst going through a rough time . It sounds as though you perhaps need to sit down with not DP and SD and explain how the desk can be used by her whenever and that when she is with you, the room is solely her space and can still be exactly how she would like it decorated etc.

You've misunderstood the post you're responding to. You're actually in agreement 😄

We downsized and my SS is with us 3 nights a week...he is 24. When we downsized he wanted to make the room his own, football shirts on the wall, boxing pictures etc...I vetoed it because it also doubles up as our spare room as we do have family and friends stay reasonably regularly...I am of the opinion that you don't get to call the shots when you are a child/young person living at home...you don't get that luxury until you are in your own place....kids can be far too opinionated and entitled...

Can you and/or your husband seek support from a cancer psychology service attached to the hospital treating him? I think he's not being reasonable/ realistic about the difficulties in working in a space containing other people, one of them four, but it's kind of understandable.

Do you have any suitable local to your new house co-working spaces to give you another option for somewhere to work?

Four year olds vary, but I'm not sure how happy a four year old with an unwell dad would be to play alone in their bedroom rather than downstairs with adult company. He could have a bedroom that is just for sleeping and getting dressed and reading stories but all the other toys live elsewhere.

Do you know what the 13 year old's objection is? Mine at that age would have been around wanting private space. I think offering her a choice is a good plan - she can have the box room but that means a single bed or have her double bed in the bigger room but knows you use the room to work in when she's not there.

Another option: could you have the box room to work in and the two children share the bigger room? I understand it's not ideal but for a few nights per month she might be ok with it. That might give you a room with a double and a single bed so you or your partner could go and sleep in that room with your son if you struggle to sleep in the same bed during his treatment.

So he's 24?.
Does he have additional needs?

The 13 year old girl shouldn't share with her 4 year old step brother. That's not going to work.

No just doesn't earn enough yet to rent or buy...the other 4 nights he stays with girlfriend at her parents...

You use the room. When she’s not there she wouldn’t know what’s happening. And she’s told this is what needs to happen. If she knows you are downsizing and her dad’s unwell she needs to understand compromises have to be made by all including her. It’s not going to impact her in any way. When she’s there you can work elsewhere in the house.

there is a lot going on but you having somewhere to work in your own home through everything is important. And her wanting a room to sit empty ‘just because’ at this time, isn’t.

this is just a case of a teenager being given a say in something they shouldn’t as there is no other solution. I also WFH and move to multiple rooms of the house including both kids rooms when they are at their other parents or at school. They don’t even know and I wouldn’t be asking either as I have to work and wherever the quiet undiaturbed space is is where I go. You should be doing the same.

Could you get a dressing table which is basically a desk, I use my dressing table as a desk, then maybe your could choose a nice one for your DSD and get her some potions and lotions. Nice hairbrush hair dryer etc. So everyone is happy?

Im normally extremebly pro step children. But in this case practically you are keeping the show on the road & you need to be able to work.

Id give SD a choice:

1. she shares the big room with DS
2. she shares it with your desk.

And you assure her that her things are private etc.

And you just say to DP you can’t realistically work at the kitchen table in a small house with kids. Nor can you spend your waking hours in your bedroom for your MH.

I wish all of you the best, you are all
going through it.