To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Oh poor guy, that's tough. Maybe him and the girlfriend could rent a place together soon.

Yes that is what they are hoping. I just remember when I lived at home many, many years ago, we were loved of course but we didn't have much say in stuff, we very much knew it was put up or shut up! Things have changed massively.

I know. Tricky living between 2 homes as well.

Half brother, not step

My mistake....Does that make it acceptable, though?

People always jump on when it’s the step child.. we have this set up with my daughter and works well whilst I’ve been on maternity leave. It’s her dressing table/homework table when she’s here, we simply take the laptop out, but means we have a room for meetings etc that’s private and out of the way whilst she’s at school or her dads. She’s younger and doesn’t even know really! Baby has the box room (old office). Not everyone has millions to buy bigger houses and makes no sense to have a room sat unused 80% of the time. She won’t even notice.

This sounds the most sensible option to me too

She wants the big room and the double bed, her dad agrees.

Just put your foot down OP. It is ridiculous to keep a large room free apart from 4 days out of the month.

Id just sit DP down and explain it to him. You can keep all your office stuff in one of those wheeled under desk cabinets and move that out when she comes to stay but she will need a desk for homework at 13 surely anyway.
Id make it clear to SD that if she ever changes her mind and wants to visit more than you'll revisit the conversation but she must see the logic behind not leaving the room waiting.
Id also ask SD why it is shes against it. Presumably she wont be keeping anything private in there if shes only there ever other weekend, maybe if you can ask her to reason why you can explain/work on the solution together.

DP needs to realise that you need your own space for working and whilst he cant be to blame for getting cancer, this is something that needs to happen to make life workable in a smaller place.

This is such a sad and stressful situation for you OP. Not sure why some posters dont understand that. You are being very fair lets be honest how many people would give the ex partner £600 of their hard earned money you could prob cut a day and be in same position. Having wfh and hated you defo need some space. Everyone has to compromise here. You tell your partner its the box room shared or she keeps her bedroom in current house as sadly he cant afford to psy for her. Whats best a shared room or literally on breadline? Then to be kind you let sd decorate however she wants and maybe your desk could have a make up mirror with lights around. If you only use a laptop its hardly much of an office. I rxpect her anxiety not helping more changes. It work out i think she does need to know a little about finances though she old enough. Can you have a word with her mum you sound on good terms smd explain a bit more. Surely she see sense snd bsck you and help tslk her daughter round.
honestly they all lucky they got you.

I work in insurance critical illness cover is expensive and only cheap when you take it out when young and that point in your 20s with a big mortgage who wants the cost of the product when things like cancer really wont happen to most. It doesn’t cover that much for the cost i dont personally think. Obviously a god send if does happen but most people need till mortgage almost paid and kids sre adults. My DD just quoted £50 a month which pay put 50k she doesnt have it spare at cost of some form of social life.

This - you are very kind OP, your SD will need to get used to having a desk in her room, she's very young and must be difficult for her to understand but you need to be able to work. I wish your DP a speedy recovery

Honestly this is what is wrong these days ideas like yours. My parents owned the furniture in my room I was simply using it. And no it isn't a red flag at all. Child services see it as a normal view. Only woke people don't.

Honestly if she is only there for 4 days a week I would use the space while she isn't there as whatever and not tell her a thing. The desk stays as the house is small and she can use it or not. But honestly she has a choice. Also mum sounds like she would be a good support if she needs to have things explained to her. Your doing a great job. My daughter would be snotty but if I said we cant have a roof over our heads without my job she would understand. Honestly I would see if you can convert a garage or any other space as well. and save up and have that done.

I had it, plus income protection and high-tier health insurance. I felt safe. These were all great and affordable while I was averagely healthy and earning well. Then all of a sudden I wasn't. I found out I'd been paying for an illusion of safety. It took less than two years (including dispute time) for every single 'protection' to stop paying out. My mortgage lender assessed me as a high default risk and tripled my interest rate.

I lost everything - I could've hung on longer, perhaps, had I received better advice - I thought I was going to recover - but, realistically, that would only have meant a slower and bumpier fall than the precipitous crash I experienced.

I am a reader of small print. You try comprehending the full implications of every clause and sub-clause of insurance policies, which are written by teams of specialist risk assessors and their professional setters of legal traps.

I'm not criticising the insurers and lenders (well, maybe some of the lenders ...) It's their profession, just as mine was media planning. I'm taking advantage of this sub-thread to remind everyone that insurers are in business to make money, not to keep you safe.

ETA: I've been uninsurable ever since! Since Brexit, I can't even afford to leave the country due to the extreme cost of travel insurance. No dental insurance for me, either, and definitely no credit security. I'm a pensioner now, thank god, but despite the excruciating poverty of years on minimum benefits, I thank fuck that we have a welfare system.

Never kid yourself that commercial entities will take care of you when you need it. Why should they?

Rotten to put your son who lives there full-time in the box room. Use that as the study/SD occasional bedroom.

I think your solution is the only way tbh. If she is 13 and only visits at most every other weekend, it's not that much is it to try to monopolise the room for the rest of the time? Plus as she gets older, wants to spend more time with friends, or maybe a potential boyfriend at home, goes off to Uni etc... You arn't icing her out, but you have to make the most of more limited space now, and it's related to her dad's health so she is old enough for you all (especially her dad) to have that conversation with her about it

Exactly this. And OP has already said DSD doesn’t store many belongings there. OP is picking up £600 of CMS payments on behalf of DSD’s dad, who can no longer afford them. This is entirely for the benefit of DSD so that her home circumstances with her mum are not reduced. Expecting OP to incur more expense on top of that because DSD is having a strop enabled by her dad is utterly batshit. MN loses it’s collective mind when it comes to step kids.

He’s four. The size of the room won’t matter to him at the moment. When he gets a bit older OP can swap things around because DSD will be older and moving on with her own life. At the moment l think she’s taking enough shit from posters about DSD , so she doesn’t need a pile on about her son as well.

One opinion that you disagree with is not a pile on.

This is her sons’ only home. What is he supposed to do while OP is working and he can’t access his own room ? DSD is only home four days a month so it makes perfect sense to use the room in her absence. Posters bending over backwards to avoid this fact simply because it’s a step child is plain ridiculous.

Oh, well, in that case, that makes your total failure to grasp the situation as a whole perfectly fine 🙄

I’ve reported this poster several times for personal attacks. If you look at the conversation string ‘loaning’ a bed was never even mentioned - they got hold of completely the wrong end of the stick and this odd diatribe was the result. That this poster is involved with any kind of child/young adult support is really concerning given the opinions expressed here.

Oh my god, who appointed you the thread guard dog? You must have posted 40 times arguing with people. A one-woman pile-on!

'thread guard dog' 😆That made me laugh.. we need a guard dog emoji.. or maybe not...😻