To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Sounds fine. All you're doing is working in her bedroom when she isn't there. And that's the way I'd phrase it, rather than speaking of it as multi functional or a shared room. Get a nice desk that works with the room and somewhere to tidy your stuff out of sight when she's there and I can't see the problem.

Because its supposed to be the SD's room. It's private. Not shared with the woman her dad is now married to. The SD didn't ask her dad to marry this woman and move into a house in which she's a 2nd class citizen.

It's madness - but very telling, that people can't see it from the SD perspective. Blended families are usually anything but. They're like this shit show - arranging the kids to fit the adult's lives.

But thats her private sleeping place for when she is with her father so her basic human need will always overrule and outweigh OP's need to have a desk in the SD's room specifically and wont consider anybody else's

What about the holidays? Surely SD spends week day time with you then and spends time in her room? Could you spend more time looking for a more suitable house? I work from the living room due to the layout of the room and DH keeps the DCs out of the way once they finish school.

I had not envisaged she would often be working when the son was asleep.

But the reason I suggested that was that then the younger child, who is there more often and presumably uses floor space more gets a bigger room as well. And younger children are less particular about their own space.

Your post was very aggressive actually. the point of a thread is for everyone to be able to say what they would do. It might not be what you would do. Direct questions starting with "so" and words like ridiculous come across as quite short-tempered...

Its because most here see themselves a s the wife who would be having to assert their authority and mark territory to keep this little girl in her place .

No.

Might be different if SD were there permanently but we've always had a desk etc in the 'spare room'.

@Worrying34

Work at kitchen table - not feasible with other family members around

Work in your bedroom - why should the OP work in her own bedroom when there is an empty room in her house during her working hours

Find a local office space for rent / hotdesk - why should the OP pay to work somewhere when there is a free room in her house

Find a new house that better meets the family's needs - presumably they’re downsizing due to less income coming in following her DP’s illness

is this honestly a sane response? “Pay to work somewhere else, OP, rather than use the room in your house that is free either 20 or 24 days a month”

it’s baffling! If the OP’s SD was her own daughter but away at uni and coming home at weekend’s, would people still be coming up with these ridiculous suggestions?!

The idea of you putting your desk in your son's room (big or small) is completely bonkers, no idea why anyone would suggest that.

It's fine to have a desk in SD's room. If you have some storage you can easily put your working things away at the end of the week and design the room to her taste so that it doesn't feel like she's sleeping in an office.

Second best idea- a desk in your own bedroom.

I’d be giving the box room to SD as he will soon outgrown the small room and it is his permanent room/home - DSD is only in it 10 or 11nights out of 14. By giving the bigger room to DS he can have all his toys in there and room for a desk when he gets to secondary school; and then I would set up a fold away desk/cupboard either in your shared bedroom or the lounge, depending up on where DH spends his day.

I work from home and simply work with my laptop on my lap, moving to the kitchen table or elsewhere if I need to lay out documents and textbooks. My DH does use a dedicated study as his meetings/calls are confidential, so if this is a factor then using DSD’s room as an office space for 10/12 days she is not resident makes sense. As you say, you are the breadwinner. She can put a lock on her wardrobe/cupboard as can you, if you have a filing cabinet/documents.

If you use a full PC can you change to a laptop/notebook to make it easier to move between rooms if your DH’s health requires using the bedroom rather than the lounge or vic versa?

I don’t have a spare 10k to build a garden room, and I’m not spending 50hrs a week in a cupboard under the stairs when there’s a perfectly good room sat empty!

Don't get me wrong, I sometimes take my laptop upstairs and finish off emails in peace, but I don't think it's a healthy way to live. You can't switch off from work, it follows you everywhere. Having a pile of papers in my inbox glaring at me as I tried to sleep would not be fun.

And it is the SD’s room while she is there. She will have her own space while at the house, it is her bedroom.

when she is not there, the OP will be working from a desk in that room. The OP won’t be sleeping in her bed or going through her things!

and I say this as a step daughter myself!

My colleague does this. They have a room for his son from a previous relationship who comes most weekends but not all. My colleague works from home Mon-Fri so uses his sons room as his office. Moves out Thursday night or night before the son comes and works from the dining table I think when the son is due to be there, so the son knows he has his complete own space to go to when he stays.

Works completely fine and they are all very happy with the set up.

I’m with you OP.
I WFH. Luckily, we have a spare room/office.
I could work from the dining room IF no one was home, but that’s obviously not the case come afternoon and school holidays.
My bedroom is a good size, but we have a super king bed, so there’s no room for a desk. My dressing table isn’t large enough to work from, and it’s that size for a reason.
I also wouldn’t want to spend 18 hours in the one room.
At an absolute push, I’d be able to work from my daughters desk in her room….which is exactly as you are describing, except it would be more of an imposition to my daughter as I would be in her space at a time when she would also like to be.
I cannot see the problem. It’s not as if you plan to have a huge office set up in there, where she’d have to manoeuvre filing cabinets each time she came back.

This
Your SD would feel like a spare part if she doesn't have a room in her dad's house.
Imagine if your child was in this situation

So what is the plan when she is there? Where is OP working in the school holidays? What if SD increases her time given Dad is around more?

I think you've misunderstood what the OP said.

She said "DP is only working minimal hours so he looks after DS".

You've understood that to mean that he only works minimal hours in order to look after DS, but what the OP means is that he can look after DS because he works minimal hours because of his health.

At least that's my clear understanding of what she wrote. I suppose she could have made it clearer if she'd used therefore rather than so.

Plus she explicitly said in the OP that "... unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore..."

Your last two responses don't make any sense.
Number one, I get.
Number two, agree.
Number three. It's not too much to expect to have a quiet room just because your 4-year-old is in the house. Maybe the dad plays with the child. Most jobs don't end at 3:30 p.m.
Number four- which part of what she said is controversial?? A room that is not in regular use is a more peaceful haven to work in.

Is it that you are resentful that your partner is ill and unable to work as much, so now you think his daughter should have less privacy and living space in your shared home with her father as punishment to him for not being the provider you expected?

It's not baffling.

I think most of us in the western world in this day and age see the value in children having a safe space of their own in their home.

It's arguably even more important to prioritise this with blended families.

It's not 'free' 20-24 days a month, it's a child's room with all their belongings which they want to know is safe and private, and most importantly THEIRS. They don't want to feel that they're staying in their Step mother's office.

It would be different if it was an adult child at University, especially if it wasn't a step child.

Lots of people whose homes aren't suitable to work in use a local hot-desking space. They're very common and not as expensive as you would think. That's definitely what I would do in this situation.

I can tell you now exactly what will happen if OP makes her SD's room her office, the girl will come to their home even less or possibly stop coming completely.

Exactly. Have a caddie or bag/ rucksack, and every Friday evening when finishing work, stuff everything into it and that can be your mobile office if you need to do anything over the weekend. On Monday morning, or Sunday night, depending on when SD has left, bring your rucksack in and set up shop.. as a bonus, as you say, she gets a desk when she is at yours.

It's you alone who is buying the house, so you can choose the layout.

do you expect OP to stay out of the room completely? Never to step foot in it?
OP will be working in it when it’s empty, not taking forensics

Well working from the kitchen obviously isn’t going to work if the house is being used as a family home at the same time, eg after school, when child is sick, school holidays etc

That’s a silly suggestion.

Would a desk in your own room not work?

I came on to say YABU but actually if you are very good at clear desking, just use a laptop and no additional screens, don’t keep any papers etc in there, it might work. In the same way as hot desking at work, if you can leave the desk completely clear when not working, and then DSD can use the desk for her homework/ feel the room is completely hers, it’s not too bad an idea.

But it would have to be ok this basis I think - nothing left lying about to make her feel like she’s sleeping over in your study/ a spare room. Maybe set up some shelves/ drawers in your own room so had to have a place to keep your stuff when she’s there/ you’re not working.