To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Maybe suggest you'll take the box room as an office and she and DS can share.

My DD is away at university and I WFH at the desk in her room. When she comes back for the weekend my laptop is away. When she comes back for holidays I work in my bedroom.

Your SD won’t even know you’ve been using the room (although now obviously she does know you’ll be using the room!)

Regardless of who’s paying, space in the house should be used to best suit everyone. Your family needs your job to pay for the house, therefore you need to have proper working space to do that job. Not the kitchen table, not a corner of your son’s room.

So after school or after bedtime when mum needs to catch up on an email or do a quick teams call her son can’t use his bedroom or is woken up? That’s ridiculous when another room is empty in the working week.
she should use the step daughter room and just not consult her about it or talk about it or let her work and work stuff impact that room at all on the weekends.

They are being ridiculous. At 13, I assume she might well need a desk in her room anyway for homework? So you use it during the week, take your work stuff out on the weekends when she’s there.

Sorry I also think it’s a bit rich of your husband who is not bringing in income to dictate to you that you need to have an uncomfortable work space when you’re the breadwinner now!

Yes exactly.

It's language like 'staying over' that makes step children feel unwanted. Step children don't ask their parents to split up, they don't ask to have to spend time shunting between two homes and every little comment making them out to be an inconvenience is just one other hurt. This is a 13 year old girl who needs to feel wanted by all the adults in her life. The language by you and some others on this thread make me so sad.

So do you think women who dont bring in much income should have less of a say in their marital homes?

OP isn’t married.

On another point, SD doesn't have a double bed, you and DP have a double bed in the room she uses when she stays over (assuming it was your house he moved into rather than his 🙄)

Of course it's her bed. When my kids go to their dads (he lives with his gf now) they stay in their bunk beds (in the living room no less). It's not bunk beds they have and let my children use. It is their beds. (not my eldest though, he gets the sofa)

It's that female thing where they would be ensuring the stepchild knew that she is only welcome as long as they (the SM) tolerates them. They want her to know that her dad is part of this new family, not his old one that includes her. In the wild, they'd probably slaughter the cubs of the previous mate to hoard resources for their own offspring.

sorry op this shouldn’t even be a discussion. You need a room to work in and you can easily move out of it when she stays. They are both being really entitled.
please please put the new house in your name only if you’re the one funding it and don’t marry him.

I’d put the desk in your room, give DS the 2nd biggest room and SD the box room

Totally agree. Your plan sounds fine to me. You are not married, you are financing this, and she has her own space when she is with you

I agree.

I don’t think anyone is being hugely reasonable here. I know lots of people who have a desk in their room or work from the dining room table without issue. Surely you’d rather work from your own bedroom than from a teenagers bedroom purely for the change of scene?! If your bedroom is large enough I honestly think it makes the most sense for you to have your desk in there, DS has the second biggest room and DSD accepts she cannot have a double bed and has the box room.

Its not that i think hes lying about the health issues as such, its more that he has given two reasons why he can't work full time (health) and that his hours need to be minimal (due to childcare).

There's a big difference between not being able to work FT due to health and needing to work minimal hours (for childcare) and he needs to be clear which is which as they are different.

Is that a sufficient explanation?

That is irrelevant. So do you think if a woman is partnered with a man but brings in less money, she should get less say over their joint home? And does this extend to the children, too? Does dad get to choose the school over mum because he earns more? Does he get to decide whether they give a dummy or not because he brings home the bacon? Or is it just who gets what room?

Could he put her kid from a previous relationship in a broom cupboard, while his kid has 2 bedrooms, just because she doesnt work as much?

I'm just wondering how this all goes?

If a man was providing for me while I went part time, I would make sure he had a comfortable quiet room to work from if there was an empty room available on his working days I wouldn’t dream of expecting him to work from a living room or bedroom instead - that’s bad for his wellbeing and bad for the households financial prospects if his job is affected. I would deal with my own child’s feelings separately and would ensure they knew the room and their stuff was theirs.
when I was on holiday as a teen or at uni I didn’t mind if my parents used my bedroom to work or to host guests or to do the ironing during the week I wouldn’t dream of trying to dictate this to them.

No she said he works fewer hours because of his health. Then because he works fewer hours than FT, he does childcare. He doesnt work minimal hours for childcare reasons, he works few hours due to his health.

Oh piss off, I'm a step daughter and I was very much staying over at my dad's every other weekend. We're exceptionally close and I take my stepmum out for mothers day because we're still very much family. People like me don't need your word hurt sympathy when we have had actual problems from being in a blended family.

Step kids always get a rough deal don't they. Kids always come last. No wonder there are so many messed up kids - then adults. Her mum and dad brought her into the world. She didn't ask to be here. Then they split up. She didn't ask for that either. So she has to spend her time across 2 homes. Then her dad starts living with another woman and has another child. Then her dad and step mum and half brother, move to another house, where she doesn't have her own room. She has to share it with the step mum. Poor girl.

You should have a desk in your bedroom.

And I would expect my DH to back me up and say ‘sweetheart she needs a place to work she is literally paying for the roof over all of our heads and the food on our table’ if my child was being entitled about the spqce

I don’t understand the issue with working from your bedroom?

We still have all adult kids at home (some will be moving out as renovating a joint but to move into, but others will stay). Due to the number of us, working in common areas is not feasible for those that work from home, so we ALL work in our bedrooms. I do so as well, even though DH and I ‘pay’ for the house, although that is such an arsehole argument. No idea why this is a problem and can’t be done.

ETA - I do have one that does not do any wfh, so theoretically their bedroom is useable while they are out at work each day, but it would be a cold day in hell before I set up camp in there to work. And no, they don’t pay rent/board, but even so I would find it really inappropriate, especially in the basis of ‘I work to pay for this house’.

Most people suggested working in their own kid's room.