To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

We downsized a couple of years ago and I worked from dd's room when she was at Uni. It's a poor use of less space to have a room practically unused.

Why should she. she is the breadwinner and making it work within their budget. You think getting a bigger house vs a room sitting empty in a smaller and affordable place is the smartest idea?
or is it just because it’s a step parent ?

stuff that op, she doesn’t get to decide and neither does your dh. You using it during the week affects NO ONE during the week. Not one person. Yet using another room in the house makes your work situation, the money funding everyone difficult

I never understand ppl who expect a bedroom to sit empty for use one or two nights a month.
Boxroom with desk, DP can always get a house himself to accomodate his DD

When ex-DH and I split up, I could only afford a smallish two bedroom flat. DS was 17 so was pretty much doing his own thing anyway but I still wanted a space for him to stay over when he wanted to. I bought a folding desk and small office chair which could be put away when he stayed the night. It worked absolutely fine for both of us.

Your DP is being very unreasonable. It’s utterly ridiculous to have a room unused for all bar four days a month when you need somewhere quiet to work. What would happen if you lost your job because you were unable to concentrate properly whilst working in a kitchen with all the usual family hustle and bustle going on. Then you’d all be fucked.

How long have you and DP been together, OP?

Who owns the house you currently live in?

Based on your situation - ill DP, can't afford current house, have to downsize, you have to wfh full-time, SD there every other weekend at most - then compromises have to be made.

It makes no sense to keep a bedroom empty 86% of the time when it is the best solution to use it as your work space Mon-Fri.

SD could choose the decor of the room, so it feels more hers...

I would stick to your guns re this, OP, and DP can either agree, or you can each find something that works for each of you. (How much equity have you got?).[

I don't think the solution is completely unacceptable but I think the OP could have phrased it much more delicately. 13 year old girls who live between two homes can be very unsettled. She is still a child and has at least 5 more years of living between two homes. I can understand why she and her father want her to feel that your home is also her home and that she is not a 'guest ' when she is with you. As soon as you use terms like 'multifunctional' you are sending a clear message that you do not consider the SD as a full member of the family. I think a desk in your bedroom would be a better option.

Its a non issue. Won't the room have some sort of desk/dressing table that you can just use anyway? I use my children's rooms when I have to wfh and can't use communal space. I take my laptop away at the end of the day and that's that.

We have a similar set up- SD's room is used as an office when she's not around and this works well because she's doing her GCSEs and benefits from having a desk set up to use. I've always said to SD that if she ever wanted to move it with us, we'd immediately rearrange things so that she has her own space that we don't use, but as she's only here a few weeks a year we're not leaving a whole room empty.

I wouldn't negotiate on it, just tell them that's what's happening.

I agree maybe you weren't as sensitive as you should have been if you said multifunctional. Emphasising its her room and you respect that is important. And will probably help you get to the outcome you need.

You’re just going to have to put your foot down.

Though I think it’s crap that she would get the bigger room and your son the box room when she’s only using it twice a month!

Succintly put 👍

Can't you just find a house with a bedroom big enough for a desk in your own room?

Why would you use the childrens rooms and not your own, just curious?

I dont think being the breadwinner is relevant at all. I think you should share with your son or put the desk in your room or work in the kitchen. DP will have to keep sonny boy out your way while you work

Can you be specific about your partners actual number of working hours and reason for them?

You start by saying he can't work FT due to medical need but then go on to say he works minimal hours to be home for DC. I wonder if he's baffling you with bullshit for why he can't work more and why he seems to not need to come up with a plan, just barriers, to get what he wants.

The new house is unsuitable if he can't compromise. So can an agreeable compromise be found or do you need to write it off?

Prepare some actual questions and after talking to him you should write down the response to keep it straight in your mind (because I think he's just saying whatever suits him and easier yo see that for what it is and not be gaslit).

On another point, SD doesn't have a double bed, you and DP have a double bed in the room she uses when she stays over (assuming it was your house he moved into rather than his 🙄)

Once you've got DP to understand this is the only practical option (grrr to him expecting you as the sole breadwinner to fit round everyone else!), this can be got round with careful choice of furniture...either an office in a cupboard that's not even visible (and is lockable) for when SD is using her room, or she gets the smaller room and you fit a small double bed into it (if that's doable?), and you and DS share the bigger room. Could you run to one of those beds that tips up into its own cupboard to reveal a desk underneath?

Exactly this. If she we there during the week it would be different. But she’s not so she wouldn’t even know any different and still has her own space and privacy when she is there.

I wouldn't want to work in my own bedroom. Gives off all the wrong vibes.

I think it's OK as long as:

1. The room is big enough for a desk.
2. Your SD needs a desk anyway
3. You clear all your stuff off the desk when she visits.

Have you already bought this house? It doesn't sound like it's entirely suitable.

Whatever solution you come up with for the home working aspect, like FUCK would I be prioritising someone who's only there twice a month for bedrooms over the child who lives there full time.

I slept in a single bed 'til I was 31 and it was fine. Unless she's > 6ft tall, double vs single bed for a teenager falls firmly into 1st World Problems category.

Yeah I missed OPs post where she said she doesn't want too, it's fair enough.

Whilst I agree that the box room should be used for the office and SD's room, option 3 would be having an office in your bedroom. I currently work at my desk in my bedroom and it doubles up as a makeup vanity area as well! All I have to do is put my laptop away at the end of the day.

That's what I'd do.

Don’t agree with this at all. So step mum and dad both have a cluttered room and disturbed sleep cramming three things (two people’s sleep and one persons work) into one room? While another sits empty?
I would work in step daughters room during the week but husband clears out your computer things on her weekends and set them back up again for you (perfectly) on Sunday evenings so she fees it’s truly hers when she stays. As a compromise.
I don’t think she should be consulted about this to be honest, but she should be reassured her drawers and wardrobe are left alone privately.

Why would you think he is lying about his health issues? Can you point to what makes you think this?