AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

The children should be your priority

As is everyone, good or bad.

They’ve all
got “views” right or wrong!

In your shoes, I would cancel. Life is too short to spend precious time with bigots. The children can play together at nursery, no need for "play dates" with people who have shown you who they are.

Two mum family here as well, and when DD was at nursery I'd probably have gone along and had an awkward time. These days I'm much more confident and would message her to cancel and tell her why. Along the lines of "Hi Barbara, I was scrolling through FB earlier and saw your enthusiastic support for the idea that all same-sex couples are unnatural deviants and shouldn't have families. You're wholly entitled to hold that view but given that I'm married to a woman and Tabitha has two mums I think a playdate would be very awkward, so I'm going to cancel it and spend the time doing something deviant, like the laundry. All the best."

OP, I genuinely admire you for your restraint in this matter. If it were me in your situation then I would have immediately called out her behaviour. Not in really confrontational way but id let her know that I had seen her views and given her the option to cancel. Probably signed off by 'dont worry, I won't tell all the other parents youre a bigot, see you monday'

The people you deem acceptable the people who share your views, and only your views. An echo chamber if you will.

Oh that’s lovely. Very cohesive.

If my 'bubble' is filled with friends who think my mother is allowed to be my mother (or in OP's case, that she is allowed to be her child's parent) I'm okay with that.

I think we all are very well aware of the bigots around us, but that doesn't mean we need to invite them into our social lives.

Why should the OP have to do that though? If she wants to then great and good on her, but it’s not the job of gay people to go around putting themselves in uncomfortable situations and educating bigots and seeking approval from ignorant people. It would be especially confusing and upsetting for her child considering it’s likely, at nursery age, they’ll be in earshot. At that age the kid still has the luxury of believing his family is completely normal and no one would think there is something “wrong” with them. He/she is too young to have that illusion shattered because they can’t possibly understand why people are bigots

I have absolutely no idea who you associate with. It certainly comes across that they either share your opinion unilaterally or theyre out. Same with lots of frothing comments on this thread. It certainly explains to me why we’re all so fractured at the moment.

Your point has already been made. Up to everyone to educate themselves. Not your job. Not your business. Noted.

And where exactly did I say anything of the sort?

Now I’m going to assume you’re a woman. Would you be prepared to hang out with a man who was liking posts that said women only belonged in the kitchen and should put up and shut up? Or that all women deserve to be raped? Would you spend your time trying to “educate” such a man in order to ensure you don’t exist in an echo chamber? You don’t want to be tribal after all!

They were in response to the news story but the OP has repeatedly said they weren't about MEN they were about all same.sex couples....

The extent to which parents "curate" their children's friendships and activities today is depressing. Our parents very rarely intervened in such matters, We fell in and out of friendship and toughed it up when we were abandoned and bullied. Having your parents organise everything is very poor preparation for the harsh world we live in now.

Sigh. And if the OP wasn’t actively taking her daughter on play dates and get together her daughter would just hang out at home and follow her mother around while she did laundry and washed the dishes. I grew up in an era of hand’s off parenting and it wasn’t always a win. This post is about a ‘nursery’ aged child who certainly isn’t going to go sort out her own play dates.

Why on earth would anyone do this? The poor kid has years of nursery/school etc they'll have a terrible time if their parents fire off arsey messages to anyone who likes posts that they find offensive.

I wonder if it's worth just messaging the Mum and saying. "Hey, we're looking forward to the playdate on Saturday. For the avoidance of awkwardness, just wanted to check you already know that Maggie and I are a same sex couple?"

If she's horribly homophobic, she might then claim her child is ill or something and cancel. If I received a message like that I would be so keen to reassure the parents how welcome they were.

I wouldn’t be wanting my child to be friends with kids whose parents had such dodgy values regardless of whether I was in a same sex relationship or not!
If your kid is at nursery they are still young enough that you absolutely can have some control over who they are friends with outside nursery.

This would be ideal! I think it would be no harm for these people to realise that when they broadcast views on SM there will be a consequence for their child. One less kid at a play date won't harm them but they could in time be ostracised because of this. It also gives them the chance to correct you if it was misinterpreted somehow, although this looks unlikely.

And why should the parent have to lie about the reason they don’t want to go to the bigot’s house? Might actually make the mum think about the effect the hateful opinions she spouts for all to see, have on the people around her. If she’s just ignorant and not hateful it might cause her a bit of well-deserved shame and, if she likes the OP it might result in her changing her beliefs once she sees not all gay parents are monsters who are going to fuck up their kid. As for the kid having a terrible time - they’re in nursery. Neither child will know anything about it. I’d encourage doing this even more if the kid were older - I guarantee it’ll be the bigot mum who comes off worse in the eyes of other kids and young people, and, most likely other parents. Thankfully the majority of people don’t think like her these days.

Why? What is it you think you’d do to the child if you married someone the same sex and adopted? Why are you safe to have kids in a heterosexual relationship but not a gay one? If you found you couldn’t conceive with your husband, would an adopted child be safe with? If not, why not?

You want consequences for the children of people who broadcast views you don’t agree with on social media ? Sounds quite sinister, are you a Labour voter?

I saw the grandad post you’re talking about. What you described isn’t what happened. He was upstairs in the bedroom with her, deliberately kept the toys she liked up there, while the grandson played with other toys downstairs, and insisted on closing the bedroom door while they were in there together. On other occasions he insisted on taking her to the toilet despite plenty of female relatives being present and offering. There were red flags all over the place. It wasn’t cos she “didn’t trust any man she wasn’t related to!”

I literally talk to anyone and everyone. I’m absolutely sure some of the people I engage with and have engaged with are Reform voters. Im not scared of them. They are hard working people who really care about their family and country. I’m sure you would absolutely HATE them. They’d be disgusting and vile.

I see people as multi faceted and interesting. I even dare to try and change their minds if I think their politics are misguided. I have well thought out dialogue with them and are informed enough to make interesting counter arguments. No one falls out. I still like them afterwards, because I can usually understand why they feel the way they do. Walk a mile in a man’s shoes.

Of course if I found out someone had some depraved criminal record i’d dump them like a sack of sick, but I haven’t knowing conversed with someone like that yet.

😂