AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

Kill 'em with kindness 👍
If that doesn't work, mash 'em with militancy, or wanker them with wokeness 😀

Hmm, not that is ok but I'd suspect given the recent case (reported this) of the little baby who was adopted and brutally murdered by a gay male couple. It was reporter this week this is more of a reactive response to that rather than indicative of any true problematic views. People are reacting very strongly

I wouldn’t go ahead with the play date.
You don’t owe any person your company, if their views are prejudice against you. The sooner society stops tolerating homophobia / sexism / racism, the better.

Agreed. I had my son telling me his classmate said people need to marry people with the same skin colour. He found this confusing and upsetting as we’re a mixed ethnicity family and he only in year 1. It happens fast and young.

I agree with you @Jesstica

Why would you want to be socialising with someone who is openly against your family set up.

I think it would be different if her reactions were specific to the incident and people being discussed but if I have understood you correctly, she's interacting with more general negative comments and opinions relating to same sex parents.

Depending what time of person you are, i'd send a message and say this is a bit awkward but i've seen on socials you are interacting with negative posts that relate to our family set up, X other parent is also female, and to save you and me both being uncomfortable i think it's best we cancel the playdate.

Lovely
Care to explain why

The more you explain and the more unhinged posts I see on this thread the more I think you should prioritise your mental health and wellbeing and - possibly - safety, and focus on spending time with people who don't hate your family. You can be an example or a model or whatever else during all the hours and hours of time your children already spend together, without having some odd conversation over a coffee while your children mostly ignore each other. Nursery playdates are for the parents more than anyone else and this doesn't feel like it would be a particularly fun time.

A friend of mine has a toddler and had just immigrated here before getting pregnant so has been very desperate to find friends and make connections. One of the women in her NCT group was a massive anti-vaxxer. My friend thought they could have a parent relationship and just never really talk about it. Turns out not so much - it was absolutely the topic this woman wanted to raise given any excuse. So she dropped the friendship and moved along. I just can't see where this would go for you that would be any more of value really - it's not like you're going to be friends, your kids are too tiny to care and you are already a bit anxious about it.

In my opinion it's borderline neglect letting your children hear that drivel then taking it to school

I'm so sorry your little one had to hear that and got so confused

How lovely for you. Would you therefore set up a playdate with a family who was a same-sex couple? Or lecture them when you found out? If it was reversed and you found out during a playdate what would you do? Might actually be useful to the OP to know what bigots do when confronted by actual people.

(Being 'allowed to have children' is a bit chilling. You're aware that you are talking about eugenics? How on earth would you prevent people from having children?)

I am in a same-sex relationship and we have a 4-year-old, and there are two things I would say regarding this situation.

Firstly, never feel like you have to hide who you are or your relationship. What message does that send to your child? I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve wanted to just blend in and avoid awkwardness, but my daughter has proudly introduced her two mummies more times than I can count. Every time, I choose to smile and stand tall—because I want her to grow up feeling proud of her family and where she comes from.

Secondly, this woman sounds unpleasant, to put it politely. Regardless of whether this situation involved a same-sex or straight couple, I’d still steer well clear. Some people just aren’t worth your energy.

I'd be tempted to put the ball in her court. Message her saying 'Hi X, I've just seen your posts on FB (or wherever). I'm not sure if you know that (DC's name) other parent is also a woman. Let me know if you want to cancel our meet up next week as I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.' Depending on how pass-agg I was feeling I might add on 'given that you think [insert her exact comment].'

i.e. basically kill her with kindness by being perfectly polite but making it clear it's a her issue. Either she has to reply cancelling and admitting she's a massive homophobe OR might shock some sense into her that she isn't just spewing hate into a void but is making ignorant comments about people she knows in real life and who can see what she is saying. Personally I think she'll probably reply making up some random excuse that she's forgotten she's double booked that day or similar. To be honest it hardly matters, the main thing is you avoid the awkwardness of telling her on the day - why should you have to sit there wondering how she will react if you accidentally refer to 'my wife' or DC mentions 'mum and mummy' or whatever.

If you do what DW says you'll just face the same issue when she tries to reschedule so I'd just sort it now.

Hetero woman here. I would not want to spend any time with this woman purely because she is a bigot. Heterosexual couples abuse and murder kids. Ergo, hetero couples should also not be able to adopt? 🤔

You are aware mixed sex couples also hurt harm and kill babies

In fact they do it more frequently

Are you aware the OP and her wife are women? What a strange post.

It doesn’t really matter what her views are, you are entitled to choose who you spend your time with.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who had discriminatory views.

Ew, absolutely grim. I’d probably avoid too, to be honest. It’s either that or you having to be stuck in a potential conversation where you’re constantly holding back parts of yourself, which isn’t great either.

I guess the problem is if the kids have picked up on some stuff there’s a chance they may say something to,your dc. How would you feel if your kid was told something like “my mum says it’s wrong that you have two mums”? If you could see it as a teaching moment, that some people are prejudiced, etc and that sort of attitude is not kind then maybe have the play date. Personally i wouldn’t in your shoes.

if your kids were older they’d be able to process that sort of stuff better, but not so much at their age. Plus I wouldn’t want to spend time with the parents.

THIS.

WTF?

I presume you want to ban all adoptions then given that children died in the hands of heterosexual adoptive parents too? Heck, what about just generally having children?

That would be perfect if it was me that actually reported those posts, I actually responded in a reasonable way? You just keep replying to yourself.

As before I don't believe conversations shouldn't be had. As a mother of an adopted kid, it does genuinely horrify me and I'm really not immune to the failings of social services. Homophobic Facebook comments aren't the way to sort it

Similar to we can have conversations about religious extremism etc but calling all Muslims scum, slurs etc in a comments isnt reasonable response to something involving a Muslim no matter how horrific

And? OP isn’t trying to deny you your rights.

But she has the right to not spend time with you or the other child’s mother and to cancel the play date.
Or do you disagree with that as well?

But that isn't the view the OP is referring to.
The OP has clearly stated multiple times the issue is in reference to same sex couples (irrespective of gender) being allowed to adopt (no surrogacy) children and having access to children.

It's a completely different scenario

Hi OP, adoptive mother here. Id say theres no right or wrong decision here but its about your capacity at the time. I dont always want to be the educator of people who dont understand our family dynamic and to have to delicately navigate their clumsy questions so everyone can save face. Also my delicacy can sometimes be on a timer 😂. Its ok to say no just because you know its going to be hard work and the capacity isnt there. At such a young age, id say hanging out at nursery is enough, no playdates isnt going to stop them being friends at nursery.

If the play date was at your home, I'd probably cancel, purely because your home should be your safe space and therefore not a place who someone who is fundamentally against your families existence.

But I would still consider attending a play date at a neutral place. You can either choose to chat with the other parent and get a sense of what type of person they are, or you can just keep a polite distance from them while your children play happily.