AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

I'd be very interested in the reasons behind why you have formed this opinion, if you'd care to share, please?

I am sorry you have come across these viewpoints on here. I would absolutely be cancelling and be really nervous about what things might be said to my child via theirs. Alternatively go and just say something about your wife don’t hide it, it’s just if you want to put yourself in a situation where you could possibly face hatred. I can’t believe this is still an issue in 2026!!! It is mad isn’t it.

The comments the person made was in response to the news story with the 2 gay men abusing and murdering an adopted baby. It's an horrific read. Judging someone's response to that specific incident doesn't mean this person hates women who are gay and have a baby! You can have different views on gay women having babies and gay men, I do, in fact I don't think single straight men should be allowed to adopt, it isn't actually about being gay it's about being a man and caring for a non biological child without a woman present. Abuse is far more likely.

There was a post on mumsnet the other day where a woman didn't want her fil to be upstairs playing with his granddaughter even though it was the child's grandad, she just didn't trust any men who weren't related to her with her daughter alone. This had lots of replies saying she was right, even though she said she'd be happy for her own dad to play upstairs alone with her child (the other grandad).

Yes this exactly, sending a Muslim child to Tommy Robinson’s house like this might help him not be Islamophobic

I don't think you do want to go? Unless you're relishing the idea of proving her wrong somehow, or hiding who you are, it sounds like it's going to be a stressful and weird playdate. You child can certainly manage without it. Outside of nursery hours, the friendship is going nowhere fast!

Troll off.

I couldn't be in their company. And while I wouldn't be bothered about my children associating with them at school, I would be vigilant about any bigoted comments that might be made in or around my children and I would contact the school at the very first suggestion of homophobia (or racism, sexism etc).

I really think people like this need to understand their choice of freedom of hate speech and prejudice and discrimination has consequences. Sad for their children, but...

Im in two minds about this. Yes.. you absolutely should be able to not hide and you should be able to tell people... but I wouldn't tell someone with extreme views that I'd been reading their facebook posts.. If she's in any way prickly.. she will take immediate offense and it could add to her prejudice. I say this because if it turns out that she's one of those bully parents, then she doesn't deserve any information about OP and I wouldn't put myself in her headlights.

If OP cancels... and stays clear, the other mum will probably drop the invitation naturally or find another person to meet up with. Happens all the time at nursery.

They'll be at nursery a while, there's no need to rush. They'll pass each other at pick up and drop off and will get used to each other. It may give OP time to observe and get a better picture of what this person is really like and guage the right approach.

You can have your view. Racists have views too. As do rapists.

Everybody you know will have all kinds of views you may agree or disagree with and you will likely never even know. It’s a losing battle to try to engineer your child’s social circle based on this. Heck, your child may even have different views to you as they grow. It takes all sorts.

I think it's really difficult as a lot of safeguarding is based around someone already having been caught doing something that can be flagged. Maybe we need to devise new methods of safeguarding. I know adoption is already a very heavy process, as is fostering - but that's as it should be. We've already had governments fucking about with adoption processes and safeguarding should always be subject to improvement.

Rather than stopping men from adopting, imo the starting point should be how do we do this as safely as possible. That this baby was able to suffer for that amount of time suggests failings or flaws in the process.

It's not about different views and engineering your child's social circle. It's about who you want to spend time with based on the evidence you have. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who had publicly said they don't think fat white middle aged women should leave the house, because I am one and I would be leaving the house to meet them and wouldn't want to explain myself or feel I had to apologise for doing so.

Quite apart from any of this, you can decide you don't want to hang out with someone for any reason you like and you don't have to ask permission off mumsnet either. In some cases it might limit your life (like if you decided you didn't want to hang out with fat white middle aged women) but in others like this one it would probably improve your enjoyment of that day if you cancelled.

I’d cancel the play date and tell them why. Will your child go to school with the other child? If not they won’t even remember them in a few years.

I would go. They might have never met a same-sex family and have some pre-conceptions that will be challenged by meeting you, and at the minimum you'll be giving their child an opportunity to see that there's more than one type of family. You can always leave if it's awkward. If you cancel then you're reinforcing the idea that lesbians are unfriendly and antisocial in her mind.

Of course, you don't have to, it's not your job to educate her or her child, but it might be an opportunity for her to challenge her beliefs.

If someone is vocal with hatred about a demographic that I or my children are part of, be that religion, ethnicity or sexuality then no, I would not encourage playdates with that person at all. It's up to use to protect our children from harm and that includes hearing remarks that may make them believe that there is something wrong with them or their family. I would politely decline each and every request for a playdate with this person.

What's wrong with being woke lesbians? Make the bloody waves I say and no I wouldn't be having play dates or encouraging this friendship.

I disagree, I'm afraid. I think cases like this give people with problematic views an excuse to air them. Of course, it's an absolutely appalling and devastating case (though I should note that neither member of the couple accused has yet been convicted). But the vast majority of gay couples who adopt children, or have biological children don't abuse them.

OP, in your position - which I'm not - I'd cancel the playdate for now with a vague excuse and then turn up to a nursery event with your wife. You will probably learn a lot from that, and you will be safer in numbers. (I'd hope this woman wouldn't use a softplay as a site for a homophobic rant, but honestly, you never know.)

There is a parent at my DC's school who I know to be homophobic. I wouldn't stop my DC attending his kids birthday party. I wouldn't let my DC go to their house unattended.

Personally I would be cancelling. i couldn’t sit and make small talk with someone knowing they hate the whole essence of me and who knows if they air those views in front of their DC and then they then repeat those things to your DC.

Yes you can’t control what children say to eachother when you are not around, but you can try and limit contact.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the friendship, your DC is still in nursery, so still very young and friendships are still very fluid at that age.

I don't think it's really about that though. This person is coming out, on a public page, and saying the OP's family is somehow less genuine or worthy than another family. At nursery aged playdates, the parents are hanging out - often much more so than the children. I wouldn't want to spend my precious free time with someone I know disapproves of my entire life. I am 100% aware that my children have a rich and varied social life with all sorts of people (including a friend of my son's whose parents fully disapprove of the boys' friendships as my son is Jewish) and I don't do anything to control that. But I wouldn't go have a coffee with that mum either.

I think you should text something like

my wife just reminded me we have something already happening so will have to cancel but would be great to arrange another time. Sorry

2 mum family here - you owe them NOTHING. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, as they say!
I wouldn’t go. Cancel. I wouldn’t bother talking to them about it unless they ask why you do t want to meet up.
My kids are now teens and I can tell you that most people will be lovely about your family, and you shouldn’t waste one second of your attention on those who aren’t. NOT ONE SECOND.
You’ll have endless opportunities for your kid/s to have play dates with people who aren’t homophobic arseholes.

PS there’s nothing ‘woke’ about not spending time in the company of homophobes when you don’t have to!

I’d Just make an excuse and not go, I wouldn’t make a big deal of it. We had to do a similar thing with a family who supported the education taxes

Indeed. We’re doing it anyway. Lots of us. 😀 but your comments are noted. My old neighbour didn’t think people should marry outside their ethnicity. He was also entitled to his view, the racist old bastard. I wonder why he died alone, estranged from family, scowling at the world.

I think it depends on the level of risk you perceive and how you want to be involved in helping combat homophobia. If they're the kind of rabid homophobes who might kick you out of their home or even assault you, for instance, then no way would I go there. If they're lazy homophobes who believe trash on SM then it depends whether or not you want to be bothered with trying to change their minds.