AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

The only way you will change minds is by going along and being a completely normal mum.
If they then choose not to accept you, then that is their problem, but excluding yourself and your child is denying yourselves a social occasion and not giving them a chance.

I'd go.

Is her comment about same sex parents or men? I dont think anyone is looking that story and thinking lesbians are the issue. Its yet another case of the "system" not protecting children from men. That baby died in a sadistic, perverted manor and it has made people emotional.

I'd probably go and make a point of picking them up on it if the topic happened to come up somehow. Not go out of my way to bring it up, but be ready to make them squirm if I got the chance!

Saying that it's pretty difficult for me (and the presumably majority straight user base here) to understand how you feel and any struggles you've had in your life due to your orientation, etc, and give truly reasoned advice.

would they prefer a child went to a home then where there was a mum and dad but they were cruel and abused and killed the child
It's down to the individual parents not whether they are male or female.
Do they not read the news and see that most baby/ abuse murder cases are between two heterosexuals?

Can't they talk about something nice instead of being judgemental and contraversial. Tell them to lighten up sing a song or tell a joke

Whilst I appreciate it isn’t your job to educate these people- maybe it’s a learning opportunity for them 🤦‍♀️🫣

Do you have a problem with adoption in general or just relating to gay men?

Definitely this. Go and be open honest and positive. And if it doesn't go well, don't arrange to meet up again. Or make a choice that not going is in the best interests of your family.

OP - Unfortunately this is part of being a parent. People will judge based on anything from your age to your job, your partner (or lack of one) to how many children you have to how well your child does (and this can go both ways, we are currently getting snidy comments as my oldest is very sucessful both sports and academics). The best bet is generally not to get too involved or hung up on what other parents think or say (unless it directly impacts your child) and focus on whether a friendship is positive for your child or not - is that child kind and respectful towards your child etc.

Urgh. That case was horrific, but there's plenty of heterosexual parents that have done horrific things to their children as well, whether biological, step or adopted.

I'll admit on a visceral level I want to hurt anyone who abuses kids, but on a intellectual level I don't, I'd prefer life imprisonment but that rarely happens.

There was a man in New York who found an abandoned baby boy and who, along with his (male) partner, adopted him. That boy is now a teenager and seems fairly well adjusted despite having a bit of a rough start in life. If I was feeling brave I'd post about that as a counteraction.

I socialise with people who have different views to me, but that's my choice. I'll need to teach DS about my views as he gets older, because there's a lot of right wing people in my social circle whereas I'm left wing (although I don't seem like a socialist according to one of my friends.)

wr have a national crisis when it comes to protecting babies and children from men and women gay or straight.
You just keep hearing about cruelty.

lessons are never learned and the dots are never joined up between the services.

I fully expect that these people are using the term 'gay' to mean homosexual men. As in only men.

I am straight and I wouldnt be taking my kids to playdates with those types of parents.
I wouldn't actively discourage friendship, but I wouldn't be helping it along either.

It's almost always men. Not all men, but almost always men.

What exactly is my “bubble”? Can you elaborate?

I'd come up with some reason to text her before the meet up and casually mention something about your wife. The ball's then in her court. She can come up with a reason not to meet if she feels very strongly about her homophobic beliefs. If she doesn't try to cancel, then maybe there's some room there for educating her...

Life is too short to hang out with dick heads and it isn’t your responsibility to educate people. I’d swerve / give a wide berth cos I wouldn’t want to spend time with them.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. You're not obligated to facilitate every friendship of your child's regardless of the parents' views. You're also not obligated to the be the world's teacher just because you're from a specific demographic. You're allowed to choose who you share space with socially.

In an ideal world adults would be able to navigate social situations with people they don't align with but that's easier said than done depending on who holds which view and it's completely up to the adults in question. My daughter has a good friend and even at 11 they have worked really hard to maintain their friendship through some challenging times but I suspect the mum would cut that friendship off in a heartbeat if she knew one of my specific views. I don't agree with her view but I've opted to keep both my view and my disagreement to myself and facilitate the friendship because the friendship means a lot to my daughter. Their respective parents' politics is irrelevant. In this area it's not by a long shot the only time I have been or will be with parents I don't agree with politically. That's life.

But in this case it's about actively putting yourself in a situation with people who are opposed to you, your relationship, and potentially your family set-up. You don't owe anyone anything.

In your position I would be cautious about enabling this friendship outside of nursery/school. By all means do this first playdate, but I would be busy for future offers.

In your post you've written about perhaps waiting until your child is old enough to go independently, but it is the going independently which would worry me the most, and is why I would shut down play-dates at this stage. My kids have a wide variety of school friends, and their parents have shared some pretty batshit views with them over the years.

So, I would be very very cautious about knowingly allowing them to a house which is homophobic when they have same sex parents. Young children are a bit of a law unto themselves and if they pick up homophobic slurs or attitudes it is going to be excruciatingly awkward to deal with that when you're in a same sex relationship!

these abhorrent people KNOW their views/actions are wrong/illegal.

No amount of education is going to prevent racism/misogyny/child abuse/discrimination or hate crimes.

it’s not the “job” of gay people/minorities/whoever to educate them, the the rest of us who need to keep showing them that the views they hold are wrong. Like we’re trying to suggest that normal decent men need to call their mates out if they’re displaying unacceptable behaviour, it’s not for the victim of their hatred to negotiate with them.

I agree. @Jesstica cancel the play date. You’re not under obligation to support all social activities for your children.

just decline and be busy.

Women allow it in alot of cases though.
They don't kick them out or take the baby to a place of safety.
They put the men first.
Occasionally women join in too. Re Arthur Labinjo Hughes, Starr Hobson.
There's too much of it around

It's too easy for anyone to just have a baby today and let anyone in the home around the child. Alot of relationships aren't stable and drug taking is often there in the background too.

Major problem. Too many scummy and violent people around today.

I can see why you wouldn't want to go based on what she's been happy to publicly say. But honestly I think a lot of the time people have strong, narrow minded views about groups of people simply because they don't know any. I would be willing to bet she doesn't know you are a same sex couple. So I would just go along and be lovely and nice and normal. And when she does find out, she'll hopefully reflect on her own stupid narrowmindedness. She might not of course.

I'm going to bet she has no idea about your family set up.
Frankly I'd give it a miss...but I'd tell her why. For quite a while you'll be accompanying your child on play dates so why would you want to spend time with someone who holds those views?

I would keep this person at arms lenght, maybe give it time and see if the comments die down. It would be telling if she follows these posters.

I've found that if people are narrow minded or intolerant about one thing.. they are the same about more than just that. the odd ones i met through school were politically intolerant and wanted to convert people to their extreme view points and always had a beef about many different groups in society.

However, if its a bigger group than just her they won't all be like that then I would go and be present and suss it out, but don't get too involved. Edited to add

If it was more of a public playdate lke at a park with a larger group of other mothers. I wouldn't want to go to her house with just one or two other people there, at least until I knew how she would behave.

You'll make other friends.

As a parent of kids who have two mums myself there’s no way I’d be going. If it was a political viewpoint I simply disagreed with but wasn’t reflected in my personal life it wouldn’t bother me, people are allowed different opinions. But this parent’s opinion is deeply offensive to me personally so I wouldn’t be willingly putting myself in a room with anyone with such hateful and ignorant beliefs. You also have to think about your kid. What if she mentions something about being against same sex parents in front of your child (she likely has no idea of your family set up)? That could be deeply damaging for them