AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

I understand your predicament but in reality you are going to mix with many people who don’t support same sex parenting. It’s probably not worth attempting to filter all of these people out of your lives. Accept that people hold views on it, and I agree with a PP to kill them with kindness. They ma change their views, they may not, but ultimately as long as they’re respectful and pleasant to you and your child then I’d carry on as normal.

You say this as if this the fault or problem of marginalised groups who face bigotry every day and not the people who are cunts to and about them.

This is probably a more positive move then my initial suggestion...

I wouldn’t go on the play date and I would tell them why. No need for any avoidance or awkwardness (oh your part). I’d emphasise that YOU are the ones who are disgusted by them, and if she doesn’t approve of you that’s not really relevant.

”Hi, I’m not sure if you realised but X has two mums. I’ve seen from your likes/comments on (Facebook page name) that our values really don’t align. I’m not comfortable with my daughter being exposed to your views, so we won’t be attending the play date.”

I've said this above, I've got no issue with anger towards them. Its the wide statements arising from it

Similar to in the wake of any other violence, terror attack or whatever. Its fine to be horrified by it, but not to suddenly be posting/ liking all muslims are backward, its inevitable if you allow that scum in, slurs, they should all go back etc.

If you are of the demographic they are talking about it worries you. Even if they are probably referring to the "other" Muslims or maybe you're okay because you're the right type of immigrant.

In my view if you immediately resort to slurs then you're probably not that far off on a normal day. I can be annoyed at someone cutting me up, I can't shout a slur out the window

No one is batting an eye if you are saying they are scum (they are) my concern came from the "they are all scum"

The posts I'm talking about are aimed at at least all gay men, but also lots of use of lbgt as a catch all, some specifically saying all same sex couples and some are generic "wokeism" "dei" type thing.

I think you're right to be cautious op. I think I'd go to the playdate because I think exposure is the best 'cure' to these types of mentalities, if not for the parents at least for their kid. I also think a lot of the time kids end up being more liberally minded than their parents. I know i was always much more open minded than mine (again exposure). Equally, your child is unfortunately going to come across people with this mindset and I'm not sure that I'd start off with an avoidance approach because you're not the problem so why should your child miss out on opportunities to spend time with a friend. For me there's something in there about walking unapologetically through life to model that for your kid.

But, that's what I'd personally do- it's not your job to educate anyone so I think it depends on how you and your wife feel personally and if you decide you'd rather prioritise protecting your peace then that's completely valid. Equally if you feel it would be to your child's detriment or you just would prefer to protect energy and don't want to have to worry about preempting awkwardness then again, you're fully entitled to protect your emotional bandwidth. You know the dynamic better than anyone on here so I think trust your gut. You don't owe anyone anything and as others have said the kids are only little so not old enough to notice if that's what you decide to do. If you're busy and she follows it up then I'd either meet or I'd make a comment like "oh I'll need to check with my wife if we are free" so you're making her aware before and then she either comes in good faith or she bows out.

It isn’t a play date for you, it’s a play date for the children. Just because a child is raised by people with certain views doesn’t mean the child will share them, especially if they meet and get to know people that their parents may otherwise disapprove of.

I'd feel wildly different if a play date didn't involve me but because of the age it's a parents sit and chat thing while the kids are nearby

I wouldn’t want to socialise with a parent like that. Kids can be friends at nursery. Play date at this age IS socialising with parents too. I wouldn’t want to deepen the friendship either

I probably would be mysteriously busy though

I can see that OP might want to confront this other mum at some stage if she began making comments directly or there was some kind of incident.

But at this early stage, OP doesn't really know her and doesn't owe her any explanations, I think that's getting too involved with this person.

I have seen a lot of the comments on this horrific case, and unfortunately I think the gay parent community will get a lot of shit on the back of this, although I suspect it will be mainly gay men rather than gay women who get it the most. I have even seen some official Reform pages suggesting that gay couples are prioritised over straight couples for adoption because of woke ideology being promoted (which we obviously know is not true).

As others have suggested I would do a message like, Hi just so you know I saw your comment on Facebook about this. Just so you know little DCs mother and I are a gay couple. I just wanted to let you know as this has made us feel a bit uncomfortable and we aren’t sure if we should proceed with this play date.

Leaves the ball in their court and they will ideally back down and apologise, and at least if not you know you have tried for the sake of DCs friendship without putting yourselves in an awkward position. I would also ideally get a screenshot of her comment to pass onto the nursery to explain the situation if it gets slightly ugly.

I also don’t agree with same-sex couples being allowed to adopt or have children. I’m entitled this view.

Hard no.

screenshot the comments

text them and say you are no longer available. no need to explain

That. People's views only moderate if they actually get to meet the subjects of their bias, and realise that they're actually just people, and they actually have stuff in common.

Having been in a vaguely similar position before, I would give the people a chance. You never know what just your great personality and good vibes will do to slowly do to broaden their minds about certain topics. You never know, you may or may not click on a human level, your children
may not either, I would start with that first.

The Preston Davey case is grim and is going to unfortunately raise tensions for the gay and lesbian community. I really feel for you and your family.

I think you need to feel safe where you go. But equally nothing will change if you hide away. I would want the social group to get used to things quickly rather than a big fuss made when they ‘find out’ later and their kids hear upsetting things that they might repeat to your dc.
if you want to go say ‘child would love to come, not sure yet if it will be me or my wife /gf /her other mum Susan taking her or perhaps both of us if there’ll be space?’ Give her a chance to get used to it before you arrive. Knowing you might change her mind!

Just to put this to you from you child's perspective: your child is really unlikely to remember this child in 3 years time. Cancelling will have zero impact on them.

Also, this person you're describing would not think too much about cancelling plans with you if they knew you were a same sex couple (and they truly believed what they "liked" on facebook).

And yes, with the benefit of 9 years of parenting experience, I DO avoid arranging playdates with kids who's families I don't like very much, or where I've ascertained he's had uncomfortable experiences with (very controlling parents, for example).

You’ll either have to dance around being same sex parents, „expose yourself“ and risk being berated or your DC being exposed to homophobia… I wouldn’t want to do that.

but you (and your wife) have to decide for yourselves what‘s right for your family.

I'm not saying you can't hold that view, but that it might influence my thoughts about you spending time with my family who has the exact set up you dont agree with.

I don't want the woman rail roaded out of nursery, banned from Facebook or hung up in the village square. I'm just contemplating if I want to specifically spend 1:1 time with her at a play cafe thing

Kids learn hate from their parents

Personally I'd not be wanting anything to do with that woman and if not want my child to have anything to do with theirs

For me it would be a situation I’d have to deal with head on.

’Sorry June, I have to cancel the play date next week. I saw your Facebook posts regarding same sex adoption and parenting and given I am in a same sex relationship I feel this is for the the best’

It doesn’t need to be more than that.