AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

One of the less pleasant obligations of being a parent is putting up with the parents of our kids' friends - just as our kids have to put up with the kids of our friends. It's not your job to educate people, but just by interacting with these people, whom you wouldn't normally choose to socialize with, you will hopefully expand their perspective.

Isn't this all her problem? You just turn up and be yourself, if she doesn't approve of your relationship hard luck on her you shouldn't have to pretend you are not who you are. And you might as well get it over with she will find out at some time and then she will have more ammunition that you pretended you weren't gay to mislead her. I would drop something into conversation early on, 'my wife and I... She might be fine about it anyway, what you theoretically think about some type of people (sexual orientation, race, religion) doesn't always hold up when you actually meet some.

Thing is op all parents will have views that you don't agree with. If their kids appear happy and well cared for then you make a decision based on that imo.
We had parents in one dcs class who were very pro trans. It never occurred to me that when I liked gc stuff on X it might have marked my card.

It's nursery, it's all about kids socialising and enjoying themselves not their parents beliefs. So either go to soft play or whatever with them or don't but I think in a free country we must accept that others will have different views to us.

I’d be giving that a big ole swerve. It’s not just ‘her social media’ like you don’t like her posting videos of her cats. She is expressing support for a belief system that is totally anti what your family is. There are so many lovely open minded families out there to be friends with. I would have no interest at all in this one.

If this was a white family supporting racist propaganda on Facebook, I would hope no one would be like, it’s fine, it will be a great learning experience for your black child!

Ah ok fair enough. Sorry I didn't see. In that case I'd give them a wide berth if you do get the impression they're prejudiced against same (female) sex parents. Though I guess maybe the thing they liked or commented on was through ignorance and getting to know you would make them remove their prejudice? But I can see why your DW would rather not chance it.

How upset would your DC be if you cancelled? I don't think I'd be encouraging friendship with a homophobic family like that. I'd probably be honest too.

I think it would be odd to send a child of gay parents into the home of someone who hated gay people and thought gay couples shouldn't be parents.

Why not go to the play date and change her mind. People have all sorts of ideas about all sorts of things that are different to their own lives. I certainly have some prejudice when it comes to gay men using surrogates. I find surrogacy problematic but it doesn’t make me a hateful bigot.

People are far too quick to pigeon hole everyone based on one thought or political view. We are intelligent enough to hold lots of thoughts at the same time and some of those thoughts will be in direct conflict with another. I can hate Trump’s war on Iran whilst also believing the Iranian people have a right to democracy. I can hate that women’s right to single sex spaces have been horribly eroded, but still think that everyone has the right to live authentically as themselves.

Views can cross over and your friend might have agreed with the notion that the country has gone too far with everything being a DEI box ticking activity whilst also being delighted to have you and your wife as friends.

School is a place where you will have to interact with families who have very different lifestyles or views to your own. Strangely enough, the most right-wing, conservative families tend to be extremely nice in real life and you will never suspect they hold those views. Most of them know how to blend in very well with societal standards and a lot of right wing beliefs align with the stereotype of a "good" family. They usually have well-behaved children, strict rules regarding screentime, routines, food and bedtimes and clearly split labour roles such as SAHM vs working father.

There are a few very conservative mums who are extremely active in the school community and PTA. Schools cannot really ban families from volunteering based on political or religious views. To be honest, the best way to deal with these people if you really don't like their ideological beliefs is to distance yourself without making a fuss. School friendships are incredibly transient and even if you go on one playdate, it doesn't mean you're forced to socialise with them forever. If the playdate has already been fixed, just go there and maybe reciprocate but at that age it doesn't mean you've committed yourself to being best friends with Nazis or something.

Another thing is that being performatively woke or "ethically correct" rarely ends up well in the school environment. Things like gossiping about other families, deliberately excluding parents with certain beliefs or making them feel like they're not wanted doesn't solve anything. It will certainly not make them change their views on a certain topic (eg Palestine, Israel, vaccines or immigration) and it will only end up causing unnecessary or sometimes even harmful drama between children.

Why not go to the play date and change her mind. People have all sorts of ideas about all sorts of things that are different to their own lives.

This is a terrible idea tbh. School parent friendships are more like work colleagues and you need to maintain a polite distance at all times. You cannot lecture a colleague on their political or religious views and expect them to change. Even starting a conversation about a controversial topic is not good etiquette. Amongst close friends or family members yes, but trying to get into political topics with colleagues or parents of your children's friends, definitely no.

I would not be socialising with them, I hate opinionated bigots and don’t give them my time.

Hold your head high and tell them why if they ask why you’ve cancelled.

They might come out with the “I didn’t mean you, you’re ok” trope, but I’d give them short shrift on that.

In your circumstances I would cancel. You don’t need people like that in your life.

There’s a horrendous court case going on ATM. A 13 month old baby in the process of being adopted by 2 gay men. They were both SA him. Some are saying gay men shouldn’t be allowed to adopt. They aren’t just gay men they are also pedophiles who slipped through the net. One of the men was a secondary school teacher a man who people trusted to be around their children.

I would go, be yourself, talk about your wife and gauge her reaction. If she's weird about it, don't meet again. I have acquaintances with lots of different perspectives than my own. You can't protect your kid from weird views once they are at school, all you can do is counter it at home. I've had to have sooo many talks with my DC about how boys can love boys and girls can love girls, because of weird hetero-normative ideas they've picked up at school.

I'd be minimising contact with them because their values are at such variance with yours

I'm sorry you're in this situation - I wish we lived in a world where this just wasn't an issue and you didn't have to worry.

Gay people have enough to contend with without being expected to “educate” all and sundry.

I’d be suddenly busy honestly. You shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with these people and I’d be concerned the types of messaging they share with their children. Play at nursery fine but you have ultimate control over the social networks your child makes outside of that setting.

I'm sure they don't have an issue with women looking after / parenting children. Lesbians or not lesbians. They probably have an issue with 2 men adopting a child as there have been news stories about the subsequent sexual and other abuse of said child/ren. The one in court this week in the UK (male headmaster raping his 1yr old adoptive son, to give him internal injuries that helped lead to his death), and there have been others. Just a few examples below.

Obviously these are all men. Women straight or gay rarely abuse a child. So I expect their issue is with men abusing their adoptive children. Much like men abuse their children and other children and women all over the world. That's why 95% of prisoners are male - and a similar percentage of sex abusers are male.

It's disingenuous to say men aren't an issue the data tells us other wise. Pretty sure they wouldn't have an issue with 2 mums.

https://www.voxnews.al/english/kosovabota/shokuese-ne-britani-ifti-homoual-abuzoi-ualisht-me-foshnjen-1-i114869

https://www.dailymail.com/news/article-11102057/Gay-couple-accused-sexually-abusing-two-adopted-sons-recording-vile-acts.html

https://news.sky.com/story/adopted-boy-sexually-abused-by-gay-fathers-10441302

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9676497/

I'd decline the invitation and I'd say why OR I'd ask if she is the same Jane Bloggs if there's any query and if she says yes, I'd simply say that I don't think our views are compatible and it's best that we don't meet on X date.

Life is too short. The more I see of people on social media, the more I despair at the level of critical thinking.

was it because of case in the paper at the moment about little Preston who was murdered by 2 men who adopted.
Emotions will be running high ATM.

I think your wife is right, I’d probably be busy too. It’s not your responsibility to educate her…

I would tackle it head on, and message her saying you have seen her comments, wasn’t sure if she knew you were in a same sex relationship but thought you should inform her if not, so that if it is going to be an issue for her, you can cancel the play date and keep the children’s friendship to nursery hours only.

Yes,
Again I'm not talking about the generic lynch them, violent stuff aimed at that specific couple

But the more general comments posted because of it about all gay couples

In the same way If a perpetrator is Muslim, I wouldn't be talking about the "let me stab him" type comments but the "this is the problem with letting backwards Muslims in" "all Muslims should..." type comments

Well that’s fine then isn’t it. Stay in your bubble. Tribalism has been shown to work very well and we are seeing the results of that play out in society right now. Look how cohesive we all are 👍

I’d probable feign illness and let the ‘friendship’ drift. I don’t have time to waste on people who actively dislike me or my family - I’ve had similar issues recently with my friends sharing their reform views, despite knowing my husband and kids are the people they protest about.

I'd base your decision on whether or not you think your DCs enjoyment of the playdate will be worth any potential awkwardness. Bearing in mind there might not be any. Don't let ignorant people stop you doing things with your DC. There will presumably be other parents in attendance who don't share her views.

I say go for it.