AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

I'm in a heterosexual marriage of almost 26 years and I wouldn't meet up with a bigot like that.

I wouldn't tell her why, I'd probably be evasive if I could but if pushed, I'm not shy of my views and I wouldn't want my children to be around people like that. If she's putting these views on social media then she'll not be shy of saying them to your face. At the least you can expect a whole load of "immigrants should be sent back on the boats they came" crap

I think you've got 2 choices:
Go in boldly or
Avoid

So sorry you have to deal with this bloody archaic BS.

Personally I wouldn’t want to hang out with people who felt that way and so would probably cancel. Like you say the kids can hang out at nursery you just don’t need to be involved. These sort of opinions are becoming too normalised. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to ostracise people because they are homophobic.

Yes if someone is making actual posts that you find offensive you'd notice but to scroll through the likes, really?

That is the most abhorrent and barbaric thing i have ever read. Poor, poor baby. Absolutely awful and tragic.

I think it's fair enough to avoid a play date for any reason really, there's no need to justify it in great detail. Many people will hold similar views (or other views that you disagree with) but not be active on SM and keep their views private, so you'd have no idea. But tbh play dates at nursery age are a bit of a waste of time, they do plenty of free play at nursery so I don't see the need for it, and in our case we weren't building up future friendships as all the dcs went off to different schools and quickly got forgotten. We preferred to spend non-nursery time as a family and with extended family as those relationships are more enduring.

I totally get why you would want to bail, but in your shoes I think I would go ahead and be over the top friendly - smother her with kindness and make any awkwardness her problem. More likely than not, she’s ignorant and doesn’t know any same sex couples.

But I’m quite generally quite up for a bit of confrontation meets education, and I appreciate it’s not actually your job to make people not be bigots. So you’d be reasonable either way.

I absolutely feel the pressure to be SUPER DUPER NICE and SUPER DUPER NORMAL when I'm around people I know aren't used to Jewish families. Unfortunately I'm not particularly nice or normal so it can be a challenge lol

Appreciate the support for the OP from you that if she doesn't want to be a representation - it's exhausting and not always a great experience - that's also fine.

Life it too short for dealing with that shit. Politely decline.

You have different values, so whilst I wouldn’t discourage a friendship with their DC at school, I certainly wouldn’t be actively encouraging one. I wouldn’t have the play date.

I would go as the only way to change people views are to break the stereotypes and educate the ignorance. I’m not saying go in all guns blazing and lecturing but allow a relationship to form beyond the fact that you’re a same sex couple.

I’ve seen the case you’re talking about and it was truly horrendous, still I have to say when I read the comments I was truly shocked. I thought we’d come on further than this, people are still so bigoted. I wouldn’t go mostly because I’d just see her as unintelligent and not someone I’d get along with! Your child will have plenty of play dates hopefully with parents with a few more brain cells.

Some people may have a problem with two men adopting but wouldn't have issue with two women doing so, as statistically men are far likelier to be physically/sexually abusive. On that reasoning a FF couple would be the safest option then MF with MM being the riskiest.

In general I would try to ignore something like this for the sake of the kids and I would assume they wouldn’t bring topics like up in conversation. But if it was specifically about people like me/something I am then I think I would struggle to hang out with the person without thinking about what they truly think of people like me

I wouldn't encourage my child to play and bond with a child whose parents have these attitudes. Unfortunately they will likely be passed onto the child plus is the parent someone you really want to spend time with?

Also peoples family set ups are nobody else's business. One of my kids friend's had 2 mums. I didnt think anymore of it than I would have done than any other family set up. When dc excitedly told me his friend had 2 mums. I think i answered "thats nice" and we carried on reading a story.

Straight men and woman have murdered there own kid's before as have biological parents.

You may find she has an issue with gay men rather than gay women. Some people are blurgh

As an aside, my son has a good friend at school who isn't allowed to come to his birthdays or play with him outside of school as we are Jewish. It hasn't changed their school friendship at all which gives me hope for the next generation! So there's a lot of different options for how this could play out in future if it comes up again when they get older.

Have you got a “proud gay parent” t-shirt … that is what I would be wearing.

The emboldened knuckle-draggers can fuck right off..

I think a lot of people have no problem with two mothers. It's two men raising a child with no mother figure that can be problematic.

i think in your position i would have to address it with the other mum before the play date. Not in an accusatory way, just a calm actual "I saw this... my child's other parent is my DW... if this is something you take issue with, we won't be meeting"

That's horrific, I'm so sorry

I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying go and be super nice and show her how lovely and normal you are - it's not your job to educate bigots or to prove yourself to anyone.

I really don't think it will massively impact the kids either way, and I wouldn't really want to hang around people like that so I'd just cancel. Life is too short - there's loads of children your child can have play dates with, or she might not have any until she's a bit older and that would be fine too. Most of the play dates I did at that age were at least half so that I could speak to other parents and have some company too, and I would only want to do that with someone I could see myself liking or enjoying their company.

If you still want to go and think it will be nice for your daughter then it's also fine to go and not bring it up, be politely distant and not feel the need to put on some great show of how normal and lovely you are and how valid your family set up is - you really don't have to and she's going to think what she's going to think regardless.

I wouldn't go
It's not your job to educate the ignorant by being a example of a gay parent

I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. I would probably do the meet up as a little experiment where I would be very nice, open and friendly, without mentioning politics. Just the practicalities of parenting as usual. It might be an important drop in her ocean. And might be interesting to find out who she is beyond her social media likes. “Helping to overcome polarisation one play date at a time” haha.

Otherwise, I hope you get to play with some positive people too.

I agree. Not in a same sex marriage but I am an ethnic minority and no way would I want racists in my home. By all means explain if you must but don't feel you have to - they may or may not cop on down the line if they ever see you and your partner together. I'd go as far as inviting other kids to playdates so your little one branches out to other friendships. Sure it's not their child's fault their parents are bigots but again, why invite the drama to your home.

If you do choose to go ahead with it, absolutely don't let your wife hide away. It's her home, it's your family home. Let them squirm and feel awkward. That's on them.

I'm sorry I'd be busy this time and see how the land lies a bit over time as to her views. I wouldn't want my kids round this backward thinking shite.