Sibling buying beside us

[apriljuneandnovember]

How you would feel if you found out that a sibling had purchased a house in your estate?

And that they no intentions of telling you until after contracts were signed. Purposely told other family members to keep it a secret.

We find it bizarre.

But apparently we have no right to complain as we cannot dictate where anyone chooses to buy.

AIBU to think they should have given us a heads up?

FWIW I don’t think it’s healthy. I feel we spent enough time living in close proximity during our childhood. I value my space and privacy. I feel I am going to lose that.

Also said sibling isn’t the easiest to get along with

Someone asked me how i’d feel if my brother bought a house on the new estate i’m moving to. I was horrified as I felt that they’d be asking for babysitting and hard to make an excuse when they can see if you’re home or not. You need to install some boundaries, early on. I’d be secretly annoyed but of course would not say anything, as I cannot dictate where they live, and neither can you.

YANBU. Some friends of ours did this and now I feel like a goldfish in a bowl - always being watched. They always seem to know what we’re up to (and comment / judge us for it!)

For the last 20 years my parents have lived next door to my dad’s sister. I don’t think they gave a heads up. I can’t remember but it’s gone really well. We live next door to my
cousin. All ok but we are very good at boundary respecting and don’t spend too much time together.

To answer a few Q’s for PP’s who might be still following:

I found out by chance.
I happened to be speaking with the EA managing the sale (as he also managed our sale) who mentioned that they had expressed an interest.
I then spotted sibling in the estate a few weeks later when they were going for a viewing. They purposely parked their car a good distance away so as not to be seen. Hood up and sunglasses on.

I feel us hearing from a 3rd party and then spotting them in the estate is a bit of an insult.

We tried to speak with sibling but they got defensive and then blocked us. DH has been trying to get in contact but they refuse to engage. This has been going on for almost 3 months now.

We spoke with DP’s who told us that sibling had sworn them to secrecy until contracts were signed.

Contracts were signed a few weeks ago. so it’s definitely happening!

I find the idea of them moving here quite suffocating and the way they’ve gone about it makes me feel very uncomfortable

And no, we can’t afford to sell just yet 😢

Sibling is highly likely to behave the same way!! I dread the idea of living this way.

Absolutely this. Cheeky bastards.

My MiL announced she was moving to the neighbouing town and I was pissed off enough (though the upside is shell hopefully never have to come and stay ever again 😁)

They've blocked you - return the favour so when they unblock you to ask for childcare they can't get through. Stop reaching out to them

If they've blocked you, you've nothing to worry about.

they know you wont like it.
That's why they're being secretive.
Which makes it worse.
This honestly would send me into a panic attack.
Sorry OP.
What's the situation on the house? Are vendors doing viewings?
Is there any way you could "gazump" them (with no intention to follow through) to sabotage the sale so they think they've missed out and go find somewhere else?
Terrible for your neighbour but.... I would honestly consider doing something like this if I was living in peace that was about to be disturbed.
Alternatively, "secretly" start looking for somewhere else to live if you're not that fussed on where you are and can afford to move.
Depends how bad the sibling is.
But honestly I would be having a panic attack. So, I get you.

If they've blocked you could mirror that back and duck out of all interaction. It's a bit all or nothing, but it sounds like this has been building for a while and you don't see a future where you and she positively impact each others' lives, so maybe it's your next step.

Block them, don't talk to them. Ignore them. Grow tall plants on your border with the road. Don't respond to requests for baby sitting. If your parents mention they've said something about you tell them they were sworn to secrecy and shouldn't tell you a thing sibling has said.

Do your parents live on the estate too, OP?

It's all a bit weird, I agree, but just as they have kept their business to themselves so can you.
There's no reason to feel you will have to do childcare, school runs, babysitting or whatever or live your lives any differently to how you do now. Boundaries firmly in place, 'that doesn't work for me/us' is a complete sentence. They can 'comment and judge' all they want, what anybody else thinks of you is none of your business unless they try to make it so.
But save hard and move ASAP!

If they've blocked you for three months Op surely they're not expecting everything to be back to normal when they move in?

It doesn’t sound like you like each other or would be wanting to spend any time together.
when you talk about privacy, you said you won’t have any - but what about all the other residents who also have to drive or walk past your house to get out of the estate? You don’t really have privacy anyway if that’s the case.

This just wouldn’t have happened in our family, everyone knew when my brother was moving because we all meet up and enjoy spending time together every now and then and we share our news, he said they were looking at moving and that there were a few places, one over the road from us which is where they’ve actually ended up living. He’s been there a couple of years, it’s been really nice but we do like each other!

Block them too and keep it that way :)
No need to interact with them ever again.

Imitate them and buy sunglasses and a big hat.

So you deserve privacy on your school run but they don't deserve the privacy to buy a house without advising you first?

Your reasons for them letting you know in advance of the purchase don't make sense. You don't need a heads up. If you want to talk boundaries you can do it after the sale has gone through.

You need to think carefully now about what you will and won’t put up with eg childcare requests etc., so that you’re prepared when they do get in touch and you’re not put on the spot.
Have a response ready now so you can have it ready and be able to deliver it firmly.

If it was my bro - great. If it was my sister, I would be moving to the moon.

This is going to be so hard - but necessary.

It might be worth asking first - several times. If they dodge/refuse, it’s easier for you to say no too.

Outrageous that the estate agent told you. And it sounds like your sibling doesn’t want to spend time with you either so you’ll be fine with the boundaries.

Just because she'll be living on the same estate doesn't mean you'll have to see each other all the time. She probably knew you would feel uneasy, hence her not telling you in advance. Having said that a lot of people don't tell where they are moving until it's finalised because they feel it might jinx the procedure and it will fall through.

No doubt she and her husband found just the right house on your estate. Moving is a big issue and nobody wants to make a mistake.

It's not going to hurt you. People can live around the corner and you never see them unless you want to.

OP, yanbu.
But you have a choice now in how you respond.
Avoid them as much as you can.
Certainly do not allow them into your home under any circumstances.
Get a video door bell installed and make sure your front door is locked and you have a secure gate to your back garden.

They chose to be weird, you can choose your firm boundaries now.

You do not owe them any additional contact or interactions.

I consider their behaviour extremely weird.
You can't change what they have done, but you can guard your privacy.

Keep anyone in the family who will pass on your business on a firm information diet.

Hopefully they will keep their distance.
They have blocked you?
You can choose now never to respond to them again.

Never entertain any requests re childcare etc.

When family are weird, best to keep your peace by keeping your distance.

A few years ago my friends pain in the arse brother that she avoids like the plague, a complete wind bag know it all, moved 10 minutes from her, too close, and decided that they will now take to visiting unannounced.

She spelt it out so clearly the first time it happened.
She was not interested in any additional contact to the aannual polite contact when they might cross paths and she wouldn't tolerate any interference in her family life.

He tried to act offended, but in 20 years she has had very very little contact, very deliberately.

He's 8 years old and she has never liked him, so she simply refused any effort to up contact.

He tried to act surprised with her parents but they knew well what he was like and said it was nothing to do with them.

5 years on it's strictly a nod and wave if they very occasionally meet.

I said I value my privacy. Not that I deserve privacy more than they do.

So are you honestly saying that wouldn’t find it strange to hear via a 3rd party that your sibling intended on moving to the estate you live in? And that they had family sworn to secrecy?

BS!!!!!

It sounds like it’s going to happen so just set your boundaries very early on. No taking the kids to school even for ‘it’s a one off.’ No picking up and dropping off for them. If they come over unplanned don’t let them in. It might be they really like your estate but could well be they are doing it thinking it will make life easier for them with school runs etc. Make it very clear straight away that won’t be happening.

The estate agent shouldn't have told you private confidential information about a client.
If they are going to be on the same estate then likely to be the same school. Hope they don't give your details as an emergency contact.
If you don't like each other , which it sounds like with them blocking you, then block them back and ignore them if you see them.

It wouldn’t bother me at all. What is strange is the not telling you.

There is obviously a weird dynamic to your relationship.