Sibling buying beside us

[apriljuneandnovember]

How you would feel if you found out that a sibling had purchased a house in your estate?

And that they no intentions of telling you until after contracts were signed. Purposely told other family members to keep it a secret.

We find it bizarre.

But apparently we have no right to complain as we cannot dictate where anyone chooses to buy.

AIBU to think they should have given us a heads up?

FWIW I don’t think it’s healthy. I feel we spent enough time living in close proximity during our childhood. I value my space and privacy. I feel I am going to lose that.

Also said sibling isn’t the easiest to get along with

Someone driving/walking past your house doesn't affect your privacy. Unless they're peering into your house and taking notes on what you're doing, someone merely passing your house on the way to somewhere doesn't mean that you don't still have your privacy, so although I realise you would rather they didn't live near you, I think you need to try not to catastrophise too much here and try to stay proportionate, for your own sake.

You obviously really dislike your sibling and they've 'taken advantage' of you in the past, so I guess there is a lot more to this than you've explained in your thread (and I understand that you might not feel comfortable going into more detail about your relationship with them). Ultimately anyone can move wherever they want to, and I don't think that you can really refer to a housing estate as 'your space' and imply that them moving to a house on the same estate is equivalent to them living with you when you were children... but this is obviously causing you some significant distress and your sibling's secrecy is really odd, so I'm going to assume there is something much, much bigger at the heart of this than you've been able to tell us, so I'm sympathetic to your plight here.

the secrecy is weird but they are right you can’t dictate where someone else lives. You can set boundaries about visiting etc. my house and my house back onto each other and we have a gate between the gardens. It’s been amazing for us and my young children go between the houses daily. It’s great for popping to the shops, just send the 3 and 5 year old through the garden to nanas! But I get it’s not for everyone.

For what it’s worth we live round the corner from good friends and have to walk or drive past their house to get out the estate but still have zero idea as to when they are or aren’t in (unless we knock the door) and if their car is away have no idea where they have gone. We bump into them surprisingly rarely given we’re out loads with the dog and they run in the area. I just don’t think you’ll see them as much as you fear.

YABU because they can buy wherever they like and you don't own the estate.

However, I'd be putting boundaries in place straightaway if they tend to take advantage with regards to childcare etc.

But that only works when it’s reciprocal. We had the benefit of this with friends when DS was in boys brigade - the other dad took them and DH picked them up.

It sounds like OP has not had that type of arrangement from her sibling in the past.

I'd hate it. I value my privacy, so fair enough if my sibling bought at the other end of the estate I live on, but your sibling has bought way too close for comfort. And telling the rest of the family to keep it a secret? They clearly knew you wouldn't be comfortable with it.

What everyone else said about maintaining your boundaries from day 1. But it's going to be hugely difficult to refuse every request, so I know it's not that easy.

Id make sure they knew i knew with a healthy boundaries message, something like...

'Hey, I heard you might be moving nearby. I just wanted to say I hope the move goes smoothly. I also want to be upfront so we don’t run into awkwardness later, I keep a pretty private routine at home and don’t tend to do drop ins, childcare, or shared school runs. It’s nothing personal, just how I manage my time and space. I’m happy to catch up occasionally when we plan it though.'

Wouldn't be loving that. If you were both equally as cagey about each other, it would be fine. I could live right next door to my brother and know that we'd probably still only speak to each other twice a year. But if they're cheeky feckers for childcare and you'll see them on the school run AND they didn't tell you... Super weird.

Is it an option for you to move @apriljuneandnovember ?

Or don't you want to?

I would hate it if someone I didn't get on with moved close to me. I have a woman I dislike intensely who lives 10 minutes walk away (and her DH is a nob too,) and that is close enough! They walk past our house on their 'village walks' once a week or so, and I run into the house if I'm in the front garden or at the side of the house and I see them coming up the road!

Very odd to move near you. Feels calculated and sneaky.

You will have to be very very rigid about providing zero childcare if they have form for this.

Make it a blanket rule.

Kids not coming round without parents.

Parents not coming round uninvited/without warning.

Kids can play together when both sets of parents are there, and both use paid childcare if needed rather than them asking you all the time and taking the piss.

This works particularly well when OP isn't supposed to know they are moving there - so seems spontaneous

Prepare yourself now to lay out some hard, unflexible boundaries.

No, you won't do their school runs.
No, you won't have their children after school, even for half an hour, so they can work.
No, you won't have them on sick days.
No, they can't just drop them off so they can nip out.

I would be delighted… love my siblings (and thier kids who would also be closer).. I also like my in-laws - so hurray to all that.

if I win the lottery I have a fantasy of buying some land, and building us all houses near each other

Well there you go, that's why it was all a big secret! They will be expecting to use for childcare. But how can they take advantage of you say no?

I'd be pissed off - it's weird and creepy. Sounds like they enjoy pushing boundaries. I have a sibling like that. I wouldn't engage at all

Perhaps this is why they haven’t mentioned it ‘We are not telling aprilJune because she’s bound to put a dampener on it and act like it’s her estate, when it’s actually the best option for our family’.
It’s easy to agree blindly with an OP but could be your reaction wasn’t welcome during a really exciting time for them.

Alternatively, they may be buying a house in the hope that you’ll agree to unlimited childcare - seems a bit of a risk though.

In my experience, the closer people live to each other, the less they see of each other. It's strange but usually the case.

My sister, and my mum and dad both have houses on the same estate as me. However, we can’t see each others houses, it’s really convenient for getting to our horses livery yard, where we all have horses, and the estate has 3 entrances/ exits so none of them pass mine to get out, and my sister passes my parents place. We are very close in that we are all within 5 mins walk but it doesn’t feel like a privacy invasion.

This is your problem not theirs. They can live where they like. It's not their fault you can't set boundaries.

Omg I am NOT saying you are a troll but I am sure I read a similar story on mumsnet.

I think plan for the worst and hope for the best. The secrecy is the worrying bit. Book up all your weekend when they move in and start asking them to take your child to school. That might put any CFery on the other foot

The secret bit is strange and if you don't get on with them then a bit too close especially if they had the option to buy elsewhere for the same price. If they mention.childcare then you'll just need to put your foot down and say no.

I personally dont find it strange for siblings to live nearby. My brother lives 5 minutes walk down the road from us however we get on well. I usually drop in about once a fortnight/he pops in here. Or we meet for breakfast/shopping. We facetime most weeks. But we've always been close.

I would hate it, I like my own space and would not want family members living down my road!

And knowing about your inability to say no to childcare for them the secrecy isn't weird at all!

They are not next door.
they are right they can buy were they like. They might like the house, the estate, the area. It doesn’t matter you don’t own the estate: you can’t dictate where people buy a house

Time to lay out that you won’t be doing childcare favours anymore.