Sibling buying beside us

[apriljuneandnovember]

How you would feel if you found out that a sibling had purchased a house in your estate?

And that they no intentions of telling you until after contracts were signed. Purposely told other family members to keep it a secret.

We find it bizarre.

But apparently we have no right to complain as we cannot dictate where anyone chooses to buy.

AIBU to think they should have given us a heads up?

FWIW I don’t think it’s healthy. I feel we spent enough time living in close proximity during our childhood. I value my space and privacy. I feel I am going to lose that.

Also said sibling isn’t the easiest to get along with

Obviously you can’t stop them from doing it, but it’s reasonable to be annoyed. You don’t have a close relationship and the fact they felt the need to hide it shows that they knew you wouldn’t like this and did it anyway.

I’d hate to live that close to my sibling so I can relate! There’s no benefit to me as I don’t like their company, and it would be annoying wondering whenever I leave my house if I’m going to have to chat to them.

shes looking for a pick up and drop off buddy so she doesn’t have to.

the secrecy would bother me. id have to ask her why she felt the need.

and say at that point “i don’t mind where you live, it makes no odds to me, it’s not as though i will be picking up or dropping off your kid as im not up for that responsibility so it’s all good with me wherever you choose to stay and i’m happy for you”

The secrecy is weird. It would have been good to have an open conversation that they were thinking of putting an offer in, they would love to be nearer, what do you think of the idea. But the privacy thing is ridiculous. They will see you on the school run, sure, but that’s hardly a secret!

I don't like my siblings but if they moved nearby it would t bother me. I can ignore them just as efficiently whether they are living 3 doors down or 100 miles away.

But then I'm from London so have a lifetimes experience of not interacting with neighbours beyond a cheery wave and taking parcels in.

I'd be really unhappy about this but there is little you can do in practice so it probably isn't worth saying anything. Get a plan in place for how you will react to certain scenarios.

I'd be worried they'd expect childcare - oh take Timmy to school would you, you're going that way anyway. etc etc. You could tell a family member you're moving. You're so excited blah blah and hopefully they won't buy the house. Then don't move.

But what would you have done if they’d given you a ‘heads up’ and said, ‘we are going to buy a house on X Road’?

Well they’re right in that you can’t dictate where they choose to buy. It is bloody weird of them though.

Then you start as you mean to go on and withhold any childcare help…….if they want to be secretive about where they plan on living then they have little respect for you as family.
Not saying that anyone can control where anyone lives…….but you can’t have your cake and eat it! They chose to ‘keep a distance’ with their house move……your choice now to live your own life.

I'd be knocking that on the head with a statement about it before they even move in.

YANBU, I wouldn't like this as you're not close.

All you can do is maintain your boundaries from the start.

Keep your doors locked
Put in blinds/voile curtains
Install a video doorbell and don't answer if they always want to drop in
Don't become their default social life
Say no to all childcare

Have you posted about this before? I recognise what you're saying, down to the secrecy from the family.

We bought the house 2 doors from my brother and his family. But, I asked both my DH and my DB/DSIL if they were okay with it. I’m close to my DB/DSIL and I really think that they would have said to me if they’d rather I hadn’t moved here. As it is, our houses sit on an angle so we never actually see each other without doing so on purpose and it’s been totally fine. If DB or DH wouldn’t have been okay with the close proximity then we wouldn’t have offered on the house.

(as a side note. I’ve another DB that I’d never want to live close to!)

I think it very much depends on the relationship. With my sister it would initially be a nice surprise, but she has form for inviting herself over, borrowing my stuff indefinitely and expecting childcare. The driving past etc. wouldn’t bother me unless I had worse relationship - e.g. not respecting boundaries at all, being controlling or being mean. So while I would find it weird that a sibling hadn’t mentioned it, no one else could really comment because they don’t know the relationship

This would drive me absolutely bonkers. But they’re right; they can live wherever they like. It would probably be enough to make me consider moving if finances allowed, but as you can probably tell, we’re not a close family.

No I wouldn’t like that feeling of being surveilled because they can see I’m in or not every time they go in and out.

family can come with the expectation that you’re in out of each others doors with no boundaries.
if they’re the type to constantly drop in because “they saw you were home” with no thought as to whether it’s convenient or just don’t want visitors. Then I’d find it very annoying.

im sure others will say family are not visitors and don’t need prior arrangements. But not everyone has or wants “we’re faaaaammmmly” type relationships with open door policies.

I would not like this at all. Luckily for me it's very unlikely to happen as my siblings and I all value our own space/boundaries and get on so much better because of it.

There used to be a sister and her two brothers near me who all lived in a row of houses next to one another with their assorted partners and children. It obviously worked for them and no doubt some people would love it too, but I found it a bit cloying.

How close do they live at the moment? I'd find it quite a change if mine moved to the same town, let alone the same estate

The oddness of buying the house depends on what else is available in their price range and with the same conveniences - I mean, you must have bought your house for a reason, perhaps their reason is the same?

And the secrecy - well it does sound odd, but maybe there are family reasons for keeping it quiet?

As to sibling wanting childcare - well that's entirely up to you as you can always say no.

My brother lives 5000 miles away. I'd bloody love it if he bought a house nearby.

But obviously that isn't the relationship and case here. It's super weird that they've kept it a secret, and I get why you'd be put out. Fundamentally though how much do you actually see your neighbours?

If be most concerned that they “purposely told the family to keep it a secret.” Why do you think they’ve done this?

If they aren’t the easiest to get along with, take advantage with childcare and are being secretive then I certainly wouldn’t be happy with this. Are they likely to keep coming round unannounced? Set some boundaries. Don’t babysit.

Technically it isnt your estate though, its just an estate where you live!
Maybe they happened to prefer the area or house to other options.
Maye they kept it quiet because they didnt want it to be a big thing and dont plan on living in your pocket....you wont know unless you ask!

"And that they no intentions of telling [us] until after contracts were signed. Purposely told other family members to keep it a secret."

I think I'd take this particular bull by the horns and go on the offensive. Telling the rest of the family to keep it secret from you means they have involved the rest of the family, so I'd involve them too.

A group message to the entire family along these lines:

Apparently we were not to know that Sibling&Family were going to be moving near us, and I can only presume the idea was to back me into a corner. I do not care for that to happen. So, in the interest of transparency (mine, not sibling's) let me say this loud and clear - I will at no time be providing childcare or transport for Sibling's children. It will not matter one whit that I am so near, they're no trouble, I'm going there anyway - the attempt at railroading can be seen from space, and I will not comply. Hope everyone is enjoying the good weather, love apriljuneandnovember.

Yes, it's a hand grenade. But I'd be furious, not just with sibling but with every member of my family who CHOSE to keep this a secret from me.

YANBU. You're anticipating them putting the thumbscrews on re school runs/babysitting so you're understandably irked. I'd guess they swore your other relatives to secrecy so you had no opportunity to try and dissuade them from moving there, so they anticipated you'd have the measure of them. If they thought you'd be delighted they'd have told you as soon as they thought about it, wouldn't they.

Exactly. Set boundaries but don't cut off your nose to spite your face. If your DC end up going to the same school or doing the same hobbies, you could save both families a lot of time by sharing drop offs and pick ups.