Sibling buying beside us

[apriljuneandnovember]

How you would feel if you found out that a sibling had purchased a house in your estate?

And that they no intentions of telling you until after contracts were signed. Purposely told other family members to keep it a secret.

We find it bizarre.

But apparently we have no right to complain as we cannot dictate where anyone chooses to buy.

AIBU to think they should have given us a heads up?

FWIW I don’t think it’s healthy. I feel we spent enough time living in close proximity during our childhood. I value my space and privacy. I feel I am going to lose that.

Also said sibling isn’t the easiest to get along with

I think it was meant to be a nice surprise.

Well, no wonder they didn't want you to know as they presumably predicted you'd make it into a drama. Privacy...don't you have walls?

Who told you this ‘secret’ and what did you say to them when they told you?

I think I’d contact them saying it’s a bit crap your whole family knew this and it was deliberately kept from you. I’d also say, I hope they aren't expecting any free childcare from me as that won’t be happening.

It wouldn’t be a problem for me but the secrecy sucks. They obviously know you wouldn’t like it.

Accept it now it’s a done deed but set boundaries early on and stick to them.

So are you expecting them to ask you to do school drop offs and pick ups for their children as well as your own?

Get on with your own life, and let them do the same.
You keep saying our estate you dont own it.
They are moving on to the SAME estate as you.
If child care comes up tell them to fuck off, you ain't no baby sitter.

However if any of my siblings moved near me I'd probably be the one doing a moon light flip.
I dont even live in the same town as my siblings.

Get a grip. I would find it a little odd they kept it a secret but no other issue. You dont get a say and no need for convo about boundaries set them when childcare requests come.

Put up something so they can't see in your window if you're bothered about privacy.

I’d love it and in fact did live next door to a sibling for a while.

but in your situation it’s not ok - the secrecy is weird and why live so close if you are not like the Brady Bunch?

Moonlight flip, I love that 😂

I get on famously with my brother and sister, but the fact that we live in different (but not far away) areas keeps it that way!

I definitely would not like either of them to move near me where they could (if they so choose) watch my every move, or like OPs sister have to pass by my house a few time a day on the way to and from places/school/shop etc. As OP said, sister keeps her privacy, but OP can't really. I would be uncomfortable about that TBH.

But it won't happen to me. None of three siblings would want that.

It is bizarre on behalf of sister, and I can totally understand OP's concern.

I don't know what she should do about it though! Other than put in an offer for sister's house and string them along or something, which is unfair to the seller. Oh dear.

It’s strange that they wanted to keep a secret from you but how close is their new home and how many times do you bump into other neighbours from that street? I (openly!) bought a house in very close proximity to a sibling and it worked really well with the children etc but I didn’t just bump into them anymore than I’d bump into other neighbours. It’s a bit sad they wanted to keep it from you.

Keeping it a secret is a bit odd and suggests they were worried they'd be pushed to change their minds rather than doing what they wanted. Seems they were determined to buy that house and didn't want you interfering.
I wouldn't mind if my sister moved next door at all. But then we get on with our own lives and I know she wouldn't interfere with mine.

OP, I feel your pain. When our children were young, my DSis lived in the other side of town. No problem, you say: children at different schools etc etc. We were both SAHMs in those far off halcyon days, and my DM, who lived about forty minutes away by car, would visit one of us one week and the other one the next. Without fail, there would ALWAYS be some reason why she had to drop in on my DSis, either en route to mine (which made DM late to mine) or on the way home (DSis exercising control to make sure DM didn’t stay five minutes longer at mine than she had at hers). It still rankles, and my beloved mother has been dead for more than twenty years. OP, You will have to be absolutely ruthless about establishing boundaries. YANBU - and yes, I would be mightily hacked off in your position.

When we were starting out my DSis bought her first house on my estate , 2 streets away, it made sense as it was a great place to live. We both had an our first DC within a year, and helped each other out from time to time. She moved away (next town) for a few years but came back to the estate for the school years. I don’t think she told until she had exchanged contracts, my mum had probably mentioned she was moving back but it wasn’t really any of my business where she lived.

We weren’t ever super close, argued like mad as children but get along ok as adults even it we have very different

Practically, the difference it might make is 6ish months of time off OP's search for another house! But more reasonably, communication is key to good relationships, so the secrecy, and in particular the asking others to keep secrets disrupts OP's relationships with family, her sister included.

Communication would have shown a willingness to rub along together well when geographically closer. We are social creatures and it is behaviour like this that makes getting along more difficult. It breeds distrust which makes for a less pleasant social situation, more guarded interactions and less willingness to help out.

Maybe OP's sister has or thinks she has good reason to put up barriers to an easygoing relationship, but it's not a move that's ever going to come across positively.

Get your for sale sign up before their contracts are signed 🤣

Move.

That is worrying and I am certain they are doing it in order to take advantage of you. Put your house on the market and move elsewhere. You don't have any right to stop them buying a house they want, but they don't have any right to make you stay. CFs of this level don't understand "no" - they will send their kids over to aunty april's house ALL THE FECKING TIME.

That’s exactly what I thought it might be - moving close to you so it’s hard for you to refuse childcare requests.

Practise your responses now.

Or you could start looking at houses - or at least tell them you are. Or tell other family members who you know will tell them.

I don't think I'd be thrilled as I'm not particularly close with my siblings. Having said that I would find it just as easy to not have anything to do with them if they lived on the same estate as I do now they live 5 miles down the road.

As for taking advantage for childcare, that's simple. You just say 'No, I can't do that' and leave it there. Politely decline invites to BBQs or whatever you don't feel like going to.

You don't have to see any more of them (or at least socialise any more; obviously you might see them walk past your house) than you did before.

I'm liking your style!

We kept our last 2 moves private even from our close dks, for several reasons. We had someone pull out after exchange of contracts,with a moving date. They didn't even tell us. I had a breakdown. It was awful, the man buying our property was the manager of an estate agents and was threatening me.I was superstitious. Also ,DH told someone he worked with he thought he could trust, he kept on and on and on. "Have you sold the house yet". We never had a for sale sign, luckily,there was covenants on the properties forbidding signs.

The secrecy thing is beyond childish - like you weren't going to find out? You don't have to see any more of each other just because you will be close by. My in laws (BIL & wife and SIL and DH) went on holiday together once. Fine - I'd never have gone with them even if I could afford it - zero issue with that. They didn't mention it/tell us. The day before they went, we were all in a small pub having Sunday Lunch for Fathers Day, for hours - talking about all sorts. They never said a word, which just isn't natural the day before you go on holiday - kids didn't either. Found out on Facebook of course. How pathetic of them. Mother in law mentioned it to her daughter who outright lied that she had told us etc. Why do adults pull this sh!t?

Presumably there’s still an opportunity to discuss the boundaries if that’s what you want to do?