Sibling buying beside us

[apriljuneandnovember]

How you would feel if you found out that a sibling had purchased a house in your estate?

And that they no intentions of telling you until after contracts were signed. Purposely told other family members to keep it a secret.

We find it bizarre.

But apparently we have no right to complain as we cannot dictate where anyone chooses to buy.

AIBU to think they should have given us a heads up?

FWIW I don’t think it’s healthy. I feel we spent enough time living in close proximity during our childhood. I value my space and privacy. I feel I am going to lose that.

Also said sibling isn’t the easiest to get along with

Closeness- great.
Secrecy- very odd, but perhaps understandable in your case given that you're being a bit weird about it. They're moving to your estate, not your spare room.

I would be delighted, but I understand there are different family dynamics. I would be delighted if my sister surprised me by moving close but I know she wouldn't appreciate it not being her decision to live close so I would never do that without checking with her if that makes sense? She knows she could do it to me though, I'm the golden retriever in our sibling relationship.

I understand why you would be unhappy, they should have at least told you.

Obviously they're right, they can live where they choose, but that's really odd and I'd be concerned too.

What difference would a heads up have made? YABU.

It is bizarre, but without knowing the full circumstances, they may or may not be being unreasonable. I would assume it is the best home they can buy for their family, for probably similar reasons you bought there.

Is it beside you as in next door? Or on your estate, maybe several roads away?

I’d absolutely hate for either of my siblings to live next door. At the moment they’re both a few hours away (in opposite directions) and it’s close enough.

I wouldn't be delighted about this tbh.

I wouldn't understand the secrecy but I like my brother so it would be fine.

If it were my mother I'd have a For Sale sign up by the end of the day though.

Doesn't bother me and I've got several family members plus 2 of my siblings on same estate and the rest in same town, we don't live in each others pockets but are always there for each other

I wouldn't have too much to do with them tbh, probably family meet ups, the usual stuff but it wouldn't coffee every morning and shoping together couple times a week. I'm anti social and lguard my own space.

The secrecy is concerning. Details would matter. How close? Would you/they drive past the house?

A heads up shows a basic level of consideration for us/our space, which we feel we deserve

Also would have been a good opportunity to discuss boundaries (they have a history of taking advantage when it comes to childcare for their DC)

The bit about the childcare makes it all
make sense!

I would be very clear that I wasn’t providing childcare and also very firm
with boundaries. No “just this once”’or “just for an hour” or “you’re going anyway”.

Weird to keep it a secret. Nothing you can do about it. Just say no to child care, pop in visits and anything else youre not interested in with them. They'll soon get the message

A communal green area separate us. They will have to walk/drive by our house every time they want to leave the estate. We have no reason to be over their side (so they retain some privacy, we don’t)
We will have similar schedules- school drop off in the mornings for eg so will bump into them or pass them on the road each day

But they are not invading your space. They have bought a space as did you.

And you set your own boundaries - they can only take advantage of you if you let them.

Personally I am very glad my sister lives in a different country because she is a nightmare. But if she moved next door to me tomorrow it's none of my business.

A sibling moving to the same estate wouldn't bother me, but them being secretive about it would.

One of my siblings I’d be delighted, and would assume he kept it secret so I wouldn’t be too disappointed if for some reason the purchase fell through.

One of my siblings I’d be surprised by the need for secrecy, but overall happy to see a bit more of him.

One of my siblings - if they bought so close to me I’d move house, so I’d want to know asap.

So really I think it depends on the wider dynamic. I can see why people who don’t know your dynamic would say you shouldn’t feel upset tbh, as so many people would be pleased to have a sibling close by.

You’ll get more understanding from other people in your life if you say you find the secrecy weird, rather than suggesting that there was some kind of obligation for them to tell you.

In terms of privacy, boundaries etc only you can decide how much you want to let them in.

You cant dictate where they buy but you can impose your boundaries!

I suppose they could say that you won't be thrilled.
At the same time, if they like the area, they probably don't have that many choices, so your dislike is irrelevant.

There is no difference in "discussing boundaries " before or after they move.

The secrecy is odd. If it were my sister, I would have asked why she felt the need to keep it secret.

Otherwise, if your sibling oversteps, or starts plaguing you with request for favours, when it’s always one way, just remember that famous MN saying ‘No is a complete sentence’.

I should have mentioned - they did have 2 other options. Similar type houses within their budget.

But they chose our estate…

@apriljuneandnovember you can stop them. However you can stop them coming to your home un invited.
The secrecy is weird . They have set the standard though gives you a reason to keep them at arms length .

My initial thought was that I’d be delighted, but that was on the assumption that they’d be a few streets away. With the set up you have described even I would be reticent, and I adore and spend a lot of time with my sibling.

But practically, what difference would it have made?

It's not a done deal yet, so you'd have had all of the angst, perhaps unnecessarily.

Do you think you would have changed their minds, especially as they aren't easy to get along with?

They didn't ask your opinion, so it clearly isn't particularly valuable to them.

Could their spouse be pushing for the move or is the school catchment making it worth risking your ire?

Don't get me wrong, I would side-eye their decision, but I still don't see how a heads up about a potential move would have helped.

Seems odd they didn't tell you, but need it change anything? How much time do you spend with your other neighbours and why will it be any different for these particular neighbours, that you just happen to be related to?

So unless they push their DC out of the car on the way past your house and disappear off into the sunset, I don't see an issue. Most people would see it as an advantage that someone they already knew lived close by. You'll be able to help each other our, keep an eye on each other's houses when you're away, share tools etc.