Sibling buying beside us

[apriljuneandnovember]

How you would feel if you found out that a sibling had purchased a house in your estate?

And that they no intentions of telling you until after contracts were signed. Purposely told other family members to keep it a secret.

We find it bizarre.

But apparently we have no right to complain as we cannot dictate where anyone chooses to buy.

AIBU to think they should have given us a heads up?

FWIW I don’t think it’s healthy. I feel we spent enough time living in close proximity during our childhood. I value my space and privacy. I feel I am going to lose that.

Also said sibling isn’t the easiest to get along with

What makes you say that? That the kids friendships will end up infiltrated? You’ve sent a shiver up my spine!!! 😩

Moving house doesn't make sense and as you said is unaffordable.

What you need to do is set your boundaries very quickly and very FIRMLY.

No popping over whenever she wants to dropping her kids or trying to make you respond to her neck and call. The earlier you and your DH stand your ground and push back the better if not you will end up dancing to her tune and building resentment.

Are your parents/family afraid of her? Why did they agree to keep it a secret from you?

Don't bother trying to engage and argue with her. You can't stop her from buying the house and she obviously has issues so leave her alone but as I said in my previous post set your boundaries quickly and firmly. And frankly it doesn't seem like you have close relationship so I don't think you're losing anything.

Well, if your relatives have children in the same age range as yours, and are living on an estate where there is a (I think I recall your phrase correctly) nice gang of kids - implying that they are friendly (and I'm thinking footie on the green, meeting up at the skateboard thing).

Then surely your relatives' kids will get involved in that. At the very least, the relatives will befriend the neighbours.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spook you, but your relatives aren't just moving into your physical location; they are moving into your social space.

Edited to move some extraneous words

This will be their 4th property in approx 10 years.
With that history - ignore for 2.5 years, then she'll move away again.

Yes this is likely. Both they and their DC are quite outgoing. I wouldn’t expect that they will keep themselves to themselves or not integrate with the estate/community.
We aren’t exactly off to a good start so will need to figure out how we protect both ours and DC’s friendships/relationships around here.

That’s what DH said 🤣

"We spoke with DP’s who told us that sibling had sworn them to secrecy until contracts were signed."
I would be completely fucked off with my parents if they did that to me.

Except - they would never have dreamed of keeping me in the dark. They'd have told my sibling to get a grip, and probably have told me the next day of sibling's demand request with a roll of their eyes.

Why did your parents agree to this, @apriljuneandnovember ? Is your sibling the Golden Child who can do no wrong? The type to threaten grandparents will never see grandchildren again? Or are your parents as batshit as your sibling?

They played dumb as though they couldn’t see an issue with it. But I know for a fact that neither of them would have liked living close to any of their own siblings. Nor would they be ok with the secrecy if it were them in our position.
I think they are afraid of her. She’s difficult and quite volatile at times.
It is also rather convenient for them having us all living beside each other….probably think that we can help her out instead of her asking them all the time. Which won’t be happening btw!!!!

It is weird. Hopefully you can maintain boundaries, though.

I hate the idea of living in the same country as my sibling.

Set your boundaries from the start, e.g. no "emergency" childcare for them (whatever sob story or emotional pressure they use), don't let them in if they knock on the door if the timing doesn't suit you etc and, above all else, don't give them a key (or accept to look after a spare one of theirs).

OP, your husband shouldn't be pleading.

Respect their decision to block you and block them back.
That will stop them being able to ask for anything.
Remain polite if you bump into them.
Absolutely no invitations into your home and don't accept any.

You can say "lets keep things civil and the best way to fo that is minimal contact".

And stick to it.
Pretend they don't exist.
If your children are happy, use that as motivation to stay civil but very distant.

Wow are you massively overreacting. I can see now why they didn't tell you.

There is little evidence to suggest that your sibling is moving to the same estate you live on because of you and all you can offer. Your living there is incidental. Problematic but not insurmountable. She may wish you lived elsewhere. But the reality is that you don’t.

You don’t get on. She didn’t want you to know her family was moving to the same estate. Wider family would not have kept it secret unless they believed you would kick off unreasonably.

And they were right - my estate, protect my DC and my friendships and relationships against their integration into the community. Why would you want to stop the family from integrating? This is not rational.

There is no evidence that they want to use you for childcare or school runs. You don’t block people who you may rely on for support. They’ll probably just ignore you and build other networks of mutual support with other parents

You may meet at family gatherings so you really need to find a way to live with this that you are comfortable with and move on. Given there was no abuse, childhood sibling rivalry is not a hill to die on.

I get why they wouldn't tell you. You seem nosey, and kind of creepy about them daring to live in the same neighborhood. They chose the house that works for them and their children the best.

Yes massively overreacting. Secrecy and cloak and dagger behaviour amongst siblings is no big deal at all. Totally normal 🤣

I would HATE this!
You can’t do anything but maintain a boundary and hope they don’t f**k it up for both of you.

i'm sorry you've received so much flak form other posters. I'm with the PPs who think that your sibling is seriously weird. Take on board all the tips about boundaries. Go with the PP who said: "if your sibling is true to form, they'll move in 2yrs". But, at the same time, start saving into a "moving to another part of the same estate" fund.
Good luck, OP. Don't let 'em grind yer down.

I get that people don’t really kniw their neighbours. However I think it’s a bit different if you already know someone, especially if you have some meaningful connection.

I moved after my DP left me pregnant for another woman. Two years later that OW moved to my estate. Even though we had zero contact it was horrible and it would bring back those sad times every time we drove past each other or I had to walk near her road.
There’s always the tension that we might have to meet at some local event.
It’s weird anyone would chose to move near to people they don’t like but have connection with.

They can only take advantage of you if you let them. Stay firm.

All of this pointless cloak and daggery seems manufactured to create drama, not stop it. Did the sister think that if she didn’t say anything and just turned up in the house opposite that all would be calm and straightforward? It’s bizarre. If the OP was unreasonable about not wanting to be near her sister before this, she certainly isn’t now!

I have been taken advantage of my whole life (firstborn of 7). If one of my siblings pulled this trick I would move away as far as possible.

I don't blame you at all and I can't help wondering WHY they chose to live next to you since they're so happy to block you.

I'd block them back and completely ignore them. Obviously they plan to rope you in to childcare. I'd also be furious with your parents for playing along with this.

While your situation was obviously incredibly hurtful, the OW moving nearby is hardly comparable to your sibling that you have a perhaps slightly strained relationship with.

They didn't seem to have major issues with each other before, only now OP has created one as the sibling wasn't respectful enough to consider moving to the same neighbourhood and asked family to keep the possibility a secret from OP and her DH.

My gosh that is horrible. Did she know that you lived there before she moved in? That’s it, it’s going to feel tense and I know I am going to find that really difficult.

@peony1985