To refuse to see my BF’s friend again over text message comment

[Letws]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months now, and met one of his best friends for the first time on a double date at the weekend.

We had a lovely time, I thought he was really polite and appeared interested in me, asking questions etc.

In the taxi home, my BF’s phone went off and he said ‘oh F has messaged already’. I instinctively looked and the message on the screen said ‘Enjoy bending her over tonight mate 😜’

My BF was apologetic and said he expects his friend was joking. He’s 40 btw.

I’m not annoyed by my BF, but do find it a very disrespectful comment.

Would I be taking it too far to suggest I don’t want to see that particular friend again? I feel like that could make things awkward for my BF but I don’t want to sit across a table from his friend anytime soon.

YABU - you are overreacting to suggest that
YANBU - I wouldn’t want to see him again either

I’d be judging my boyfriend too, to be honest. That message didn’t come out of nowhere.

Yes that's right: OP now knows her bf and his friend are the type of men who put on a front of decency when they are in the company of women but voice their real derogatory and crude opinions about women in their men only conversations.

Personally I think using crass terms and phrases about the opposite sex IS being derogatory about them.

Men and women using crass or vulgar language about sex in single sex company and very limited company is a wide cultural norm in the UK, often for comedic effect and with no ill intent behind it.

But sure. Take it all to heart and feel offended by people liking sex and expressing appreciation for the idea of good sex as a positive thing because their language isn't fine enough. It won't actually improve your life, but it
will help you feel superior, which you may believe is the same thing.

This is a best friend too? He laughed at the comment. He doesnt challenge shitty behaviour. He surrounds himself with these type of guys.

Yeah this relationship is dead. Your BF has this guy as a best friend. You're already not wanting to see this guy again, 3 months down the line you'll have more problems.

So that's why he was nice to you.

It wasn’t just about sex though, it was specifically about her. He didn’t message his friend about the virtues of his dick.

This is a very skewed view. Almost as though youre excusing the comment because you would interpret that as a compliment?

" It sounds like he was telling your BF that he thought he was lucky to be with you.

By referring to enjoying bending her over? Its derogatory & demeaning, and shows how the friend (and his audience) talk and thinks about women (behind the scenes). Not in public where the behaviour would be called out and challenged. If OP does call it out, whos betting it'll be a case of "its only banter, he was joking, youre being too sensitive, oh youre a feminist, one of those, ey arr John youve got yourself one of those type"

Its not a race to the bottom. Its not a compliment

I think it’s a huge over reaction based on everything else you’ve said about his friend.

Then this is the cultural norm which could be challenged. I love sex and will openly discuss sex with friends. Not once did I use derogatory language to do so. It's possible.
You appear to have very low standards. The sort of standards which led to a man who bragged about "grabbing them by the pussy" elected as POTUS. I think we should be collectively raising our standards rather than excusing poor behaviour by parroting "boys will be boys" in its various iterations.

I’d probably assume all his friends were the same and what happens when the next friend comes out with something similar followed by all his friends?
I don’t think the friend is the problem but the company your bf chooses to keep.
I would walk away now because he is who he is and isn’t going to completely change because you don’t approve.
You will end up with him feeling he has to choose and if he chooses you he will end up isolated but he’ll still be the same person he is and it would never actually have been his choice not to enjoy the way he usually communicates with his like minded mates which will lead to resentment and even less respect than he already doesn’t have for you now.
Leave this silly little boy to it, there are plenty of men to choose from.

That says a lot about your low bar for relationships of all kinds.

Neanderthals and their friends are a turn-off for me. It’s good to see so many here find it disgusting too. These threads often attract the cool wivez who think this stuff is hilarious and just bantz and women are uptight by hating this misogynistic language.

Oh dear. Let me guess, you think wolf-whistling and catcalling are compliments too.

I’ve been described as a ‘cool wife’ on threads about opposite-sex friendships because DH and I both have close opposite-sex friends and find it completely unproblematic. Neither of us would think that kind of remark was remotely acceptable.

Very grim and immature.

You’re missing the point it’s not about language, it’s the fact that op is being talked about by her boyfriend and his friends as though she’s a piece of meat and he thinks it’s funny and ok.
This is clearly how he and his friends think of women and he is her boyfriend someone who she is meant to share values with and be supported and respected not made into a sexual object for his friends to joke about while he laughs.
That’s got nothing to do with liking sex, that’s their private life. (So she thought)

Why aren't you annoyed with your boyfriend? I expect there's plenty of other distasteful comments on that WhatsApp chat, it didn't come from nowhere. Raise your bar

It sounds like he was being crass and dehumanising.

And yes a lot of people say crass and dehumanising things about other people but the OP doesn't have to be OK with someome saying it about her. Or spend time in their company afterwards.

When I started seeing my partner, his mate said to him, "Punching a bit there aren't you, you lucky bastard? She's gorgeous."

Can you see the difference?

And yet, it's quite far removed from something nice, like "nice chick" isn't it? Why make excuses for Men who see and treat Women like objects? This is exactly the kind of shit talk we want Men to call out, and yet when OP is rightfully concerned about it, we say "boys will be boys". The violence against Women epidemic around the world starts with objectification and "jokey" comments. Surely at least we Women should be taking a no tolerance approach.
Good job OP for calling it out. You are doing us all a service 😘

Men and women talking in crude and vulgar terms about the opposite sex might be common in the people you know but I would question your belief that it is any way a normal , or acceptable way, to talk.

Reducing others to being sexual objects rather than human beings is pretty repulsive.

I don't think expecting respect from people for their sexual partners makes me superior.

How does a post like this automatically turn into ‘he obviously discusses your sex life’ ‘it says a lot about who he hangs out with’ the same with a thread the other day about a married man leaving turned into ‘has to be another women’ yet it turned out to be his mental health.

It was a bloke messaging a friend after meeting his partner. Could it have be worded differently, yes but it doesn’t mean these people are monsters and they sit and discuss sex lives constantly.

Have you women not ever met with a group of friends had some drinks and the conversation has moved to your partners and you all have a bit of a laugh about it or even a moan?

so many people on here think they have these perfect partners and lives.. you’re naive! Even if your partner isn’t like that now I sure as hell bet when they were younger they were exactly the same!

and as for ‘the bar is so low’ do you police your partners phone, friends, make sure they’re hanging out with the people who suit your ‘standard’.

the issue here has to be the OP partners reaction to that message and not what the friend said, what his friend messaged was out of his control.

It’s clearly how they speak to each other, so I’d really not be focused on the friend, more now be aware my boyfriend engages in that sort of talk.

youre behaving like this was nothing to do with your partner, it had everything to do with him.

Men and women using crass or vulgar language about sex in single sex company and very limited company is a wide cultural norm in the UK, often for comedic effect and with no ill intent behind it.

This. I wouldn’t write them off just yet.

this

I agree with this. That is clearly the way your BF and his friends talk to each other about the women in their lives. As is usually the case, you have a BF problem.