To refuse to see my BF’s friend again over text message comment

[Letws]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months now, and met one of his best friends for the first time on a double date at the weekend.

We had a lovely time, I thought he was really polite and appeared interested in me, asking questions etc.

In the taxi home, my BF’s phone went off and he said ‘oh F has messaged already’. I instinctively looked and the message on the screen said ‘Enjoy bending her over tonight mate 😜’

My BF was apologetic and said he expects his friend was joking. He’s 40 btw.

I’m not annoyed by my BF, but do find it a very disrespectful comment.

Would I be taking it too far to suggest I don’t want to see that particular friend again? I feel like that could make things awkward for my BF but I don’t want to sit across a table from his friend anytime soon.

YABU - you are overreacting to suggest that
YANBU - I wouldn’t want to see him again either

Yeah, don't see him again. Pervy prick.

tbh I’d judge my bf if his friends thought it was fine to text him things like that. It says a lot about him, what is normal to him, and the people he chooses to socialise with.

Agreed. No one’s going to send that kind of text to a friend unless they know how it will be received.

Especially if he then did nothing to challenge his friend about the comment.

I agree with pp.

It sounds as though your bf has been discussing your sex life with his friend.

It’s not great but I couldn’t get overly het up about it, so YANBU to feel offended but YABU to refuse to see him again if he’s your boyfriends best mate - that’s not going to work out well.

The comment is grim but you can't really be saying you will never spend time with one of your boyfriends best mates a few months in. If a boyfriend told me early on in the relationship they wouldn't be spending time with one of my best friends the relationship would be over. You need to either move on from the comment or move on from your BF.

Who we associate with is a reflection of ourselves. Best friend, you say? 🤔

That's grim and really immature for a 40 year old! I would feel less than friendly towards him after that.

I'm another one confused about why you're focusing on the friend and not your boyfriend here. He obviously talks about women (or you specifically) in that way with his friends.

This!

Agreed.

That is the type of comments they share.
I wouldn't want to see either of them again.

Don't be silly enough to think he made that comment in a vacuum. He knew his audience.

He sent that to your bf because that’s how they talk. Do you honestly think it was a one off and you just happened to see that one and only text? Think what else you haven’t seen.

I wouldnt be seeing the bf again this is revolting

Exactly, sadly.

Sorry, I am going to disagree with most posters. There is a pile on here that says "bin the BF" because he has a mate that has sent an inappropriate text after probably a few drinks. It has made a noise in the taxi, and looking at it maybe wasn't the best thing (for BF or you). But it is probably a bit unfair on the BF to just bin him off because he has a stupid mate - give him chance to sort the situation. I completely get where people are coming from, but I think you need to decide whether BF (and friendship circle) is worthy before you just call time on it. But yes, you are not unreasonable to not bother with friend again, unless real apologies and amends were made. One stupid text from another party should not completely ruin what was or is a "good relationship" when they did not send the text in the first place.

There is no one my husband knows would send something like this, no the BF is not to blame for what a freind sends but this kind of wording would not be used in isolation, you honestly think this text is a total one off and not a regualr exchange of these types of comments?

There has never been any history/input previously from the BF

They are best friends for several reasons.

If you want to bin one you should bin both.

As the saying goes, you are the company you keep. They’re friends and know each other well. This man wouldn’t have sent this vile joke to your boyfriend if he knew it wouldn’t land well. It speaks volumes about who they both are and how they usually talk to each other about women.

Grim - it says a lot about your boyfriend too. At least you know early on !

I would met with him again then ask why would he text such a comment.
This sort of crap ame from the friend who at 40 is kind of sad so let him explain and react.
How embarrsing

I would go with the idea of asking the BFs friend outright if he thinks that is a reasonable and mature thing to say about his friends GF. Put him on the spot and see how he reacts.
I would want him to see that I find that sort of 'banter' unacceptable.
What the outcome is will make you decide how you see your BF going forward.

I doubt he’s used that language unprovoked? It must be how they speak with one another. Only you can decide if your happy with that.

I think you are over reacting. Friends (male and female) often use crass terms and phrases about the opposite sex that can be appreciative rather than derogatory. It sounds like he was telling your BF that he thought he was lucky to be with you. The texts were meant for your BF's eyes only. He wasn't saying them to your face or trying to humiliate you to others.

40 going on 15🤮
As pp have said you've been discussed.